Smashed The Mt.Iron Walk (in my awesome new The Replacements tee!)

Hat.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR HAT WHEN YOU GO DRINKING WITH TEENAGE CANADIAN CHICKS...

Article in upcoming YAWP Comedy Mag (Due out Feb 20th)

PREVIEW OF UPCOMING KITE FAMILY SHORT (ENTITLED: I'M A POSITIVE PERSON)

Donnie explains how Jack can solve the problem of falling asleep on the couch but staying awake all night in the bed....


Jack's reponse of why he'd never do this....



(WRITTEN BY DAN BRADER/ART BY ED BAUERIS)

SYDNEY GIGS

NEW SOUNDCLOUD CLIPS BELOW FROM SHOWS:

KITE FAMILY SHORT: DOROTHY THE DRUNK

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

SHORT FEATURE: DOROTHY THE DRUNK

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack sitting on the couch with a grumpy looking facial expression he’s pointing the remote control at the Television, Happy is sitting beside him. There’s a couple of empty bottles of wine on the table and Jack’s glass of wine is all but empty. Donnie has just entered the room and is approaching Jack. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man has she gone to bed already? It’s only ten past seven!”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Christ she started drinking at bloody five on the dot!”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack who is gesturing with his hands and has his head turned towards Donnie who is now seated on the couch with him. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I was willing to let it slide for a bit....I sympathised with her being stressed about you being home....But this has been going on for too long!”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah....I dunno.....She doesn’t like her job at the newspaper so....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack, glass of wine in hand, dismissive facial expression. His speech bubble reads: “Christ....She complains about every bloody job she has....Me I just get up in the morning and get on with things....”

PANEL FOUR: Jack walking back towards the couch, a new bottle of wine in his hand. Donnie on the couch, he now has a packet of chips he’s just got from the cupboard, his neck is craned to the left as he talks to Jack. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “This is why I should buy a business....Then she works for me and she’s got no reason to get pissed every night...”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah...I don’t know....I think she likes her independence....And you’re a bit...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack looking a bit pissed off, gesturing with his hands. His speech bubble reads: “I’m a bit ‘tightly wound’ and ‘anal’ that’s what Dorothy told me you said....She said she agrees with ya....So when I’m away on business that’s what you do is it? Poke fun at Jack!”

PAGE TWO:

PANEL ONE: Shot of the two of them. Jack looking frustrated as he points the remote at the TV, glass of wine in the other hand. Donnie looks a bit awkward, his eyes downcast as he grabs some chips from the bag.

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie, gesturing with his hands. His speech bubble reads: “I dunno...I just think maybe she wants a different job....She’s been looking anyway....They really treat her like shit at the newspaper”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack about to sip from his wine. His speech bubble reads: “Well you and her will be happy to know the bloody arts store is a dead loss....Doesn’t make any money...So she doesn’t have to work for me....I try to help people and.....Jesus....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of the two of them. Jack looking frustrated and worn out. Donnie with his eyes downcast looking awkward. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Don’t know why I bother coming home on the weekends....I should just put some money in your accounts....That’s all you two want from me anyway..”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man don’t say that.....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack walking into the bedroom, hand over his head looking unimpressed. Dorothy is lying on the bed in her T-shirt and underpants. The sheets are all over the place and there’s a bag of chips beside her and a plate on it with half eaten cheese and crackers. There’s also a glass of wine on the bedside table. Her mouth is half open and she’s drooling slightly. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Jesus.....Christ....I can’t handle this.....”

PAGE THREE:

PANEL ONE: Jack is sitting in his car. Donnie is leaning in to talk to him. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Sorry about everything.....Hope next weekend is better....”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “It’s not your fault....But it’ll be more of the same....Christ she can’t even get out of bed to say goodbye to me....”

PANEL TWO: Similar shot. Donnie looks a bit unconvincing as he tries to explain, Jack still looking frustrated. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “She said she’s feeling sick...Reckons she’s got the flu...”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah yeah....Anybody would feel like sick after all that..”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack who is looking a bit emotional. His speech bubble reads: “Can you please try and talk to her? If she hates her job she can quit..I don’t want to deal with this shit every weekend.”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie scratching the back of his head looking a bit awkward. His speech bubble reads: “I’ll try but I mean she’s getting drunk on the weekdays even and....”, speech bubble off screen reads....”Jesus....I can’t believe this....”

PANEL FIVE: Front on view of Jack driving off. He looks noticeably upset.

PAGE FOUR:

PANEL ONE: In a caption at the bottom of the screen it reads ‘TUESDAY, 6:45PM’. We can see Dorothy collapsed on the couch, an empty bottle of wine at her feet.

PANEL TWO: In a caption at the bottom of the screen it reads ‘WEDNESDAY, 7PM’. We can see Dorothy collapsed on the couch again, a big bag of potato chips on top of her, Donnie is approaching her with the phone. His speech bubble reads: “Jack’s on the phone”. Speech bubble from the phone reads “Christ...I can hear her snoring from here....I can’t believe this shit!”

PANEL THREE: Dorothy is on the computer. She is fiddling with the mouse and looks drunk and frustrated. Beside her is a glass of wine and half empty bottle of wine. Her speech bubble reads: “Bloody stupid thing! Donnie! Donnie! Come here!”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie is flicking a switch on the Webcam. Dorothy is about to sip from her wine. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man...It’s pretty obvious....You have to turn the webcam on if you want to use it!”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “I’m sick of pushing all these bloody buttons!”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie heading towards the door, still looking a bit annoyed. Speech bubble off screen (Dorothy's) reads: “I’m gunna talk to Aunty Rachel....What are you doing?”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “I dunno....Maybe write more of comic.."

PAGE FIVE:

PANEL ONE: Dorothy is collapsed at the computer snoring. Donnie is beside her, Donnie now dressed in T-shirt and underpants, a comic book in his left hand, he’s trying to wake her with the other hand. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man....Wake up....You can’t fall asleep drunk in front of the computer....Fuck!”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Dorothy pissed off talking to Donnie, who has his arms folded. Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “I’m not drunk! I’m bloody tired! I’ve been working all day unlike you!”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah whatever.....Man...Get your act together!”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Dorothy looking pissed off. Her speech bubble reads: “Piss off and go to bed! I’m talking to Aunty Rachel anyway!!”

PANEL FOUR: (LARGER PANEL) Close shot of the computer screen, Dorothy collapsed in front of it drunk, Skype is on, we can see Aunty Rachel also collapsed drunk and snoring with a bottle of wine beside her too....

PREVIEW OF NEW UPCOMING KITE SHORT FEATURE (ENTITLED: COOL KENNY'S MOVIE MADNESS)

HERE'S SOME PANELS FROM A NEW 'THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY' SHORT FEATURE ENTITLED 'COOL KENNY'S MOVIE MADNESS' SCRIPT BY ME/ART YI LANG CHEN


Donnie wants Jack to rent American Splendour but Jack doesn't want to wait in line and thinks he can find something better to rent....




Now.... Jack explains his reasons for renting "American Ninja" over Donnie's recommendation of "American Splendour"

KITE FAMILY: IF NOTHING ELSE

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

SHORT FEATURE: “IF NOTHING ELSE”



PAGE ONE:


PANEL ONE: Jack is driving along in his car we can see him turning the wheel. Caption below reads: “On my way home again....Four hours....Phone hasn’t rung once....You’d think they’d call but....”


PANEL TWO: Longer shot of the car heading around a corner...Caption below reads: “Then I have to make the dinner....I mean I don’t mind that I suppose...But...”


PANEL THREE: Tight shot of Jack’s tired face....Caption below reads: “Donnie just makes funny of me.....Dorothy’s always pissed by the time the meal’s ready....Christ....”


PANEL FOUR: Shot of a much younger Jack sitting at a table with his parents and his brother and sister....They all look really happy....Caption below reads: “My family....Totally different story....We all sat the dining table...Talked about our days...”


PANEL FIVE: Tight shot of Jack’s Mother laughing as she’s about to put a fork full of steak in her mouth....Caption below reads: “We all loved one another....Never any real arguments....Nobody got pissed and caused a scene...”


PAGE TWO



PANEL ONE: Shot of Dorothy eating a steak with her fingers, Jack has hands over his head and looks appalled....Donnie is putting at Dorothy and laughing....Caption below reads: “We don’t even sit at the bloody dinner table....Dorothy sometimes doesn’t even use a knife and fork....Jesus...”


PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack sitting in his little spartan, undecorated flat with a glass of wine looking a bit morose...Caption below reads: “I’d stay in my little flat but I’d be bored shitless....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack pulled over by the side of the road....He’s pissing in a tree....Caption below reads: “Bloody 65 years next year....So I’ll have to retire....She’ll be drunk every night....Donnie will move away again but for how long.....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack zipping himself up as he walks towards the car...Caption below reads: “How did my life end up like this? Christ....”


PAGE THREE


PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack driving again.....Caption below reads: “I should never have gotten back together with Dorothy....But then again if I get divorced now....Christ....”


PANEL TWO: Tighter shot of Jack’s face....Caption below reads: “I’ll have no bloody money and I’ll be lonely as shit....I’m not going to meet a woman now....Not at my bloody age....”


PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack sitting at a restaurant with a woman in her mid thirties, he looks disinterested as she speaks using her hands to express herself....Caption below reads: “Christ...The women I met when I split from Dorothy....Bloody flakes....”


PANEL FOUR: Jack back at the wheel...Caption below reads: “They didn’t know anything about wine....Good restaurants.....Hadn’t even left the country....Small minded....Uncivilised people....”


PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack hanging up a nice painting, Dorothy to the left of him guiding him....Caption below reads: “At least Dorothy has some sophistication and appreciation for the finer things in life...”


PAGE FOUR


PANEL ONE: Jack back at the wheel....Caption below reads: “Then again....It’s where you live isn’t it? If I had the money I could relocate to Sydney maybe or London even and....”


PANEL TWO: Similar shot but now tighter on Jack’s face....Caption below reads: “But the house prices in places like those and I can’t get the pension and I’m too old to start a new job and....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack pulling into the garage....Caption below reads: “I guess you just have to accept your life....Nothing else you can do is there....”

PANEL FOUR: Jack walking up the stairs.....Happy is running towards him....Caption below reads: “Little Happy.....Always pleased to see me....”

PANEL FIVE: Jack is holding on to Happy who is trying to lick him....Jack is smiling as he wards off her advances....Caption below reads: “At least there’s that.....If nothing else.....”

KITE FAMILY SHORT: OPERATING ON A HIGHER LEVEL

KITE FAMILY SHORT: "OPERATING ON A HIGHER LEVEL"

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Jack is sitting on the bed in his hotel suite on the phone, his speech bubble reads: “You see the difference between me and Dorothy and well you for that matter....”

PANEL TWO: Tight shot of Jack’s smug face, his speech bubble reads: “Is I exercise a great deal of self control...You see right now I’ve got a bottle of wine....”


PANEL THREE: Shot of the half empty bottle of wine, speech bubble on screen reads: “I’ve drunk exactly half of it....I won’t drink anymore....And I don’t need to put it away in a cupboard”


PANEL FOUR: Move in tighter on the bottle of wine, speech bubble on screen reads: “It can be in my line of vision the entire night.....But will my will power is so strong.....I won’t be remotely tempted...”


PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack holding up a glass of wine to his face, his speech bubble reads: “I can make one bottle of wine last three nights if I have to....”


PAGE TWO


PANEL ONE: Tight shot of Jack’s hand as he holds the glass of wine, speech bubble reads: “ Whilst that Dorothy....Chugs through one....Sometimes two bottles are night....It’s obscene....”


PANEL TWO:Shot of the floor of the hotel room where we can see Jack’s briefcase and his overnight travel bag....Speech bubble reads: “And you....Well you go out and every time you get pissed....I guess you’re only a binge drinker but still....”

PANEL THREE: Tight shot of Jack’s smug face, his speech bubble reads: “I don’t understand why people can’t exercise self control....I guess I sometimes forget I’m operating on a higher level than most people...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of the bedside table where we see Jack’s fancy watch....His wallet which is open....We can see inside a “ Mastercard Gold” and an “Elite Traveller’s Card”....There are a bunch of coins spread out on the table too ....Speech bubble reads: “So in many ways I’m being unfair to even make the comparison....”


PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack opening the mini-bar in the hotel and getting out a bottle of water...Speech bubble reads: “ But I must admit that sometimes....It makes for a lonely life....I feel like I can’t relate....”


PAGE THREE


PANEL ONE: Shot of the bottle of water....There are tiny droplets of water dripping down the side of the bottle....Speech bubble reads: “I mean.....Andy and Dick are out now....At the hotel bar....Getting pissed....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack turning off the main light switch....Speech bubble reads: “I suppose I’m in my mid sixties now so....But no....Even in my forties I’d still be here in my hotel room....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack lying on the bed flicking through the channels on the TV with his remote...His speech bubble reads: “But again that shows that...You see I’ve never been bothered by solitude....Some people need to be around people constantly but....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of the TV screen....We can see a news presenter on there.....Speech bubble below reads: “Which again is a weakness....The mentally strong can go for hours without contact....You see they have so much going on in their brain....”


PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack putting the phone in the charger....He is now dressed in his pyjamas....Some time has elapsed...


PAGE FOUR:



PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack now in bed the covers pulled over him...He is still awake however...There are speech bubbles coming from outside the door....The speech bubble reads: “Mate....That Kite...He never comes out....He’s a bloody hermit....”

PANEL TWO: Tight shot of Jack’s face he is squinting as if slightly annoyed

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack sitting on the edge of the bed....The bottle of water in his hand

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack reaching down for his phone

PANEL FIVE: Shot of the face of Jack’s phone which reads “No New Messages”

Vinnie's Depressed....

Vinne's depressed on Jersey Shore....

And we're told it's because he suffers from anxiety (that's why he's wearing his glasses, people!!) and he misses his family....that's why he's always in his room...and not at the night club...I mean surely going to the same night club with the same group of people every night would never get old? Right?

Vinnie's depressed on Jersey Shore...and it's got nothing to do with the fact he's living with a bunch of people who have happily become walking punch-lines; who exist in a weird state in which they are some kind of bizarre self parody of their former selves.

It' a self parody in which they are never allowed, or perhaps unable, to recognise the fact that their whole existence is to remain in a state of perpetually-arrested adolescence. To remain in a blissfully-hedonistic state in which the only things they are meant to care about are gym, tanning, laundry, alcohol and sex. To remain wilfully ignorant of the changes impacted on their lives by being filmed everywhere they go and not being able to live any kind of "normal" life.

The acknowledgement of such would burst the illusion of the show’s “reality” and reach a level of honesty which doesn’t constitute “television”. It's too real for reality TV. And besides we know this is all real because every now and again we see a grainy, washed-out looking shot which must come from a camera the cast is, like, totally unaware of!

And hey Vinnie and co, you can’t look at the camera and acknowledge your fraudlent life. You can't do that because you’d miss out on getting paid ten million dollars (or whatever it is) to say “GTL” and “MVP” while thumping your chest and grinning mindlessly at the camera, counting your money and not your ennui.

But oh no none of that would make you depressed.... none of that would make you go crazy at all...It’s all because you haven’t eaten Mom’s pasta in a couple of weeks. Eat some pasta, get your cheeks pinched by your fat aunts and everything will be okay!

Or take some more pills. That'll help. Become a spokesman for depression and anxiety. There's dollars in that and it further fosters the believe that it's unnatural to have negative emotions. I mean c'mon every sane person in America would want to be on Jersey Shore! Think of the money! Think of the fleeting, barely credible fame! Anyone who thinks it'd be a nightmarish, stifling existence in which you're trapped into a persona and set of goofy catchphrases and not allowed to grow mentally to the point where all this gym, tanning and laundry just seems kinda of stupid because there's other things going on in the world and maybe I'd like to make a difference maybe I could go back to school and...SHUT UP AND TAKE A PILL AND COUNT YOUR MONEY AGAIN! LOOK AT IT ALL THERE! THERE'S MILLIONS OF DOLLARS THERE AND YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT PERSONAL GROWTH? WHAT ARE YOU?? IT AIN'T MVP ANYMORE BRO IT'S MP!!

AND HEY....

Everyone else on Jersey Shore is having fun Vinnie....Hell Pauly D and The Situation would probably do the show until they were 85 and wouldn't think that banging different 19 year olds every night and tanning everyday is something you grow out of. Ronnie and Sam are happy having the same argument over and over again and Snooki and Deanna - they can get drunk every night of the week for their whole lives!!! TEAM MEATBALL WILL NEVER DIE!! JUICEHEAD GORILLAS HERE WE COME!

Seriously Vinnie what's depressing about that?

EVERYTHING..

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

ISSUE ONE OF MY COMIC BOOK SERIES 'THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY' IS NOW ON SMACK JEEVES WEBCOMICS AND WILL ALSO BE RELEASED AROUND AUSTRALIA AND NEW ZEALAND VIA 'FIST FULL OF COMICS'

http://theadventuresofthekitefamily.smackjeeves.com/comics/1404784/the-adventures-of-the-kite-family-cover/


SHORT FEATURES:http://kitefamilyshorttwo.smackjeeves.com/comics/1404982/page-1/

Idol

American Idol and it's ilk proves that anyone, yes anyone, can achieve their dreams* if they just believe!!!


*That's if your dream is to be marginally famous for about six months and write and record mindless, forgettable music which you had little or no control of! Blow what money you make in your "career" on unnecessary material possesions and "status symbols" and wind up being that borderline alcoholic, bitter guy/girl at the pub who sometimes does karaoke and is really, pretty, alright and used to be on some TV show a while back I reckon? But mostly just mumbles to him/herself incoherently about 'how fucked' it all is.

The Blanket Man

A well known homeless guy just died in Wellington.

There's been a barrage of Facebook status updates venerating him as some kind of iconic patron saint and a handful writing him off, using him soley as cautionary tale for what can happen to drunken drivers (he took to living on the streets after killing a friend in a drunken driving accident).

Being a well known, harmless homeless person is no real achievement and anybody trying to find some kind of saintly quality in him is blinded by the sentimentality of death.

Let's be honest here. He was: a figure of fun, a cautionary tale and a benign and harmless person (post accident).

The truth is far more complex than bland platitudes or dismissive write- offs of an entire life for one mistake.

Time Travel

I’m 30 years old and I have no money and no real career prospects.

But I do have wealthy parents.

That shouldn’t even enter my head but it does....

Sometimes I’ve laid awake at night and rather than thinking of how I can become self sufficient and get my life back on track again I’ve found myself thinking if only I had access to some kind of time travelling portal....

Like the guy in the latest Stephen King’ novel....He finds a time portal and goes back in time to stop JFK from being shot....

So would I go back in time to prevent myself from making the mistakes that lead me to this point in my life and maybe while I’m there stop 9/11 from happening or something?

I’m pretty sure the terrorists boarded that plane early in the morning and I’m not really a morning person so....

No.....

If I had access to some kind of time portal...I’d travel twenty years into the future so I could avoid sorting my own life out and collect the inheritance from my parent’s death and hopefully by then they’ll have invented a pill that wipes regrettable memories from your mind so I can live guilt free.....

This is why I’m not a best-selling novelist.

This isn’t a story for everyone.....It doesn’t have mass appeal....

You can turn this into a movie or sell lunchboxes with images from it to kids.....

‘What’s that you’ve got on your lunchbox there little Timmy? Who’s that a picture of?’

‘Oh that’s just Dan from the movie...He’s in a high class brothel about to have a three way with a couple of eighteen year old blonde twins...You know, to celebrate having used a time machine to travel twenty years into the future to collect a hefty inheritance from his parents death....If only time machines existed right? But no we have to sit around and wait for our parents to die....Boring huh?’

KITE FAMILY SHORT: PHOTO ALBUM

(Art by Yi Lang Chen)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

SHORT FEATURE: PHOTO ALBUM


PAGE ONE

PANEL ONE: Jack is sitting on the couch with a photo album on his lap

PANEL TWO: Jack taking a sip from his glass of wine

PANEL THREE: Jack smiling as he looks through the photo album

PANEL FOUR: Jack filling up his glass of wine

PANEL FIVE: Tight shot of an image from the photo album...It is an image of Donnie aged five dressed up in a Superman outfit....A younger Jack is holding hands with him

PAGE TWO:

PANEL ONE: Tight shot of Jack’s smiling face as he looks at the photo

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie by the doorway, walking towards Jack....Donnie is wearing old shorts and T-Shirt and no shoes

PANEL THREE: Donnie now seated next to Jack....Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Man...Why are you looking through these?”...Jack is taking a sip from his wine

PANEL FOUR : Tight shot of a photo of Donnie, aged around nineteen, he has long out of control looking hair and is trying to look cool as he stares at the camera. There’s a speech bubble at the side of the panel (Donnie) which reads “Man....Look at my hair there....Fuck....”

PANEL FIVE: Jack flicking the pages of the photo album....His speech bubble reads....”This is a better one...”

PAGE THREE:

PANEL ONE: Tight shot of an image of Donnie (aged five) dressed in a posh school uniform...Blazer....Shirt and tie and a little hat.

PANEL TWO: Tight shot of a smiling Jack as he reminisces, his speech bubble reads: “Your first day at Redberry School…You had to wear a tie....I had to help you tie it...I used to shine your shoes every morning before I went to work…”

PANEL THREE: Shot of a smiling, happy Jack, now with his arm around Donnie (who looks a bit awkward), his speech bubble reads: “Do you remember? Your first day at school here Donnie…God...I was so proud!”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie’s face, he looks a bit embarrassed and dismissive of the photo...His speech bubble reads “Man...Wearing a blazer and a tie at five years old...What a pretentious school...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of the two of them....Jack is taking a sip from his wine....Donnie is flicking through the photo album....

PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE: Tight shot of a photo....This one shows Jack in his thirties...He is wearing a t-shirt and little beach shorts....He is very skinny and has legs which almost go straight up and down and big knees sticking out. Speech bubble (Donnie’s) to the side of the screen reads: “Look at this one... You at the beach..I’ve never seen you wear shorts! Now I know why!”

PANEL TWO: Jack taking the album away from Donnie....Donnie is laughing in the background...Jack’s speech bubble reads “Christ....Photo albums are about recalling fond memories not ridiculing one another!”

PANEL THREE: The two of them on the couch...Flicking through the photo album

PANEL FOUR: Jack taking a sip from his glass of wine

PANEL FIVE: Jack looking happy as they look through the album....His speech bubble reads “This one...This is a favourite of mine...” Look at you…In the bath...And me wearing the Sailor’s Cap....Playing with your little steamboat...Christ you were cute...”

PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE: The two of them....Jack still marvelling at the photo....Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Yeah...Alright...Turn the page...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of the two of them....Jack with his arm around Donnie....His speech bubble reads “You know I used to sing to you when you were in the bath...”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah...Yeah I know...You’ve told me before...”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack’s smiling, sentimental face...His speech bubble reads: “There’s your little steam boat there....I used to do little noises for it...’Toot...Toot’!”

PANEL FOUR: Jack about to sip from his wine glass...His speech bubble reads....”I think we’ve still got that little boat...I saw it in the garage...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie’s embarrassed face...His speech bubble reads: “Man....This is so corny...Can we talk about something else?”

PAGE SIX:

PANEL ONE: Jack getting up off the couch....His speech bubble reads: “Wait there...I’ll go find it....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack rummaging around in the garage...He’s looking through a big cardboard box that has written on it “DONNIE’S TOYS”

PANEL THREE: Jack sitting next to Donnie again...He has the old, toy steamboat in his hands now and he’s also wearing a faded, old sailor’s hat...His speech bubble reads “I found it! And the hat... I’d never throw this away...All those memories of me bathing you....Christ you were cute...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie getting up off the couch...Jack is imploring him, gesturing with his hands, to sit back down...Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Man...I can’t handle this...I’ll talk to you tomorrow when you’re not all drunk and sentimental...”, Jack’s speech bubble reads “C’mon Donnie sit down! I want to talk to you!”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack now alone on the couch, still wearing the sailor’s cap....He is fiddling with the little steam boat....He is staring forlornly into space, a small tear running down his cheek....His speech bubble reads “Toot...Toot...”

KITE FAMILY SHORT: 'JUMBO POPCORN'

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY
SHORT FEATURE:“JUMBO POPCORN”

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: We can see a younger Jack Kite (in his forties) using a payphone in the lobby of a cinema....Beside him is a young Donnie Kite (around ten years of age)....Donnie is holding a large cup of coke and a bag of sweets. Jack’s speech bubble reads “So you’re telling me we should pay for these “Smith And Windsors” pricks meal!”

PANEL TWO: Tighter shot of Jack’s angry face, still on the phone. His speech bubble reads: “Christ....I remember when I went to England with you and when it came time to pay the bill those wankers waited outside!”

PANEL THREE: Similar shot of Jack, his speech bubble reads: “So why should we pay for their dinner!”

PANEL FOUR: Similar shot of Jack now, looking even more irritable than before, his speech bubble reads “Yeah....Yeah I suppose...But this is the last time we pay for them!”

PANEL FIVE: Jack, looking down at his watch as he approaches little Donnie. Donnie is sipping from his drink. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “ Sorry about that… The movie’s probably starting now…Let’s go..”

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE: Shot of little Donnie, he is fiddling with his thumbs and he looks at the ground...His speech bubble reads “Aw okay...I just thought....”

PANEL TWO: Jack leaning down to little Donnie...His speech bubble reads “You thought what? Do you need to use the toilet?”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “No...I just wanted....I really wanted...”

PANEL THREE: Jack starting to look annoyed....His speech bubble reads “What do you want Donnie? Christ....We’ll miss the movie!”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “It’s okay...Don’t worry about it...”

PANEL FOUR: The two of them walking off....Donnie is looking back at The Candy Bar...We can see a big advertising display for popcorn...It reads “Try the new JUMBO POPCORN!!”

PANEL FIVE: Jack leaning across to Donnie, his speech bubble reads...”What is it Donnie?”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Umm...I just want...I really want some popcorn!”

PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE: Jack is putting his hand over his head, he looks like he’s about to get angry...His speech bubble reads: “Christ...So you want some popcorn do ya? I got you some sweets and a drink! It’s always something else isn’t it!”

PANEL TWO: Jack shaking his head as he heads towards The Candy Bar....His speech bubble reads “Alright then...I’ll get you a small thing of popcorn”

PANEL THREE: Little Donnie looking excited....He is pointing to the popcorn ad...His speech bubble reads “No....I want the JUMBO POPCORN!”

PANEL FOUR: Jack and Donnie. Jack is rubbing his forehead....Looking exasperated...His speech bubble reads...”I’m not getting you that! Christ! It’s seven dollars...You’ll never eat it...I’ll get you a small one!”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie’s disappointed face....He is kicking a bin nearby...His speech bubble reads “I want the Jumbo Popcorn!!”

PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE: Tighter shot of Jack who is looking really annoyed now...His speech bubble reads: “I’m not payin’ seven stinkin’ dollars for popcorn! Jesus...You’ve got chocolate and drinks! We went to the movies yesterday too! Christ!”

PANEL TWO: Little Donnie is stamping his feet, his speech bubble reads: “I want the Jumbo Popcorn! The Jumbo!”

PANEL THREE: Jack with his hand on his forehead.....His speech bubble reads “Jesus....I can’t believe this...”

PANEL FOUR: Little Donnie tugging at his Father’s arm...His speech bubble reads:”Please! please!…I won’t ask for anything else all day I promise!”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack leaning down....His speech bubble reads “Yeah alright....I’ll get you your stinkin’ popcorn!”

PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE: Jack is waiting in line now at The Candy Bar, with Donnie beside him....He is looking really annoyed

PANEL TWO: Jack handing his son the Jumbo popcorn as they walk off...

PANEL THREE: Donnie is greedily eating the popcorn as they walk off...Jack’s looking really annoyed...

PANEL FOUR: Jack leaning down to Donnie, Jack has his wallet out and he’s pushing a bunch of cards into Donnie’s little chest...His speech bubble reads: “You don’t want anything else do ya? Chips....Ice cream....Christ...Why don’t you just take my whole wallet....Take my credit cards....Here....Take them! Take my golf membership card too...Go play nine holes!”

PANEL FIVE: They’re sitting in the cinema now....Donnie is now crying.....Jack’s is consoling him....His speech bubble reads: “I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to get wild at you....I’m sorry Donnie!”

PAGE SIX

PANEL ONE: Jack with his arm around little Donnie who is wiping his face with a handkerchief....Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I’m sorry....Okay...Let’s just enjoy the movie now...Please...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of them watching the movie....Donnie is laughing and smiling...Jack is looking lovingly at little Donnie...

PANEL THREE: Jack getting out of his seat....Turning to little Donnie...His speech bubble reads: “ I’m gonna go to the toilet…Do you need to go or are you alright?”

PANEL FOUR: Close up of little Donnie who is absorbed in the movie....His speech bubble reads “I’m okay...Can you get me another drink though?”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack looking as if he is about to lose the plot

PANEL SIX: Shot of the two of them watching the movie...Donnie’s drinking from his new drink....Jack looks on shaking his head....

Comic Book Resume

On a recent "The Adventures Of The Kite Family" (a comic book series I'm writing) script I posted on my blog I received the following comment:

"I was searching for the information on the same topic and now I am here. So much information, really well executed blog. This is really informative and I will for sure refer my friends the same. Thanks. The Resume Writing Service. Randall K Lawson."

Which I assumed was misguided spam...

But then again perhaps the reason I've been struggling to get a day job is I was handing out CVs maybe this whole time I should have been handing out comic book scripts.....

"We're totally crazy"

"We're totally crazy! Men's shirts! Short skirts! Woahha! Man I feel like a woman!", screamed the Shania Twain "tune" from the speakers at bang on midnight at a shit pub, which sent the crowd into a frenzy....There's nothing remotely crazy or eccentric about wearing a man's shirt and a short skirt...It's a stock slutty outfit...What is crazy however is jumping up and down in amazement about hearing a song you've heard a million times before....You've rung in the new year like you have every other day of your life...Blindly eating the shit the world serves you with a smile on your dumb face.

KITE FAMILY SHORT "I'M A POSITIVE PERSON"

(PAGE ONE ART BY EDWARD BAUERIS)


THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

SHORT FEATURE: ‘I’M A POSITIVE PERSON!’

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack sitting watching the TV...There’s horse racing on in the background

PANEL TWO: Tighter shot of Jack who is yawning

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack dozing on the couch....His face collapsing in his left hand....

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie entering the living room

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack sitting bolt upright, trying to appear casual though like he’s been awake and alert the whole time and was just scratching his face....

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE: Donnie sitting on the couch next to Jack, Donnie has a can of coke in his hand....Jack is studying his Horse Racing Digest, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Man...That horse racing’s so boring you’re falling asleep”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Eh? What the hell are you talking about?”

PANEL TWO: Tighter shot of Donnie’s face, Jack in the background, looking at him with a slightly annoyed facial expression, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “You were asleep just a second ago...”, Jack’s speech bubble in background reads “Christ...You didn’t get out of bed until twelve!”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie’s cheeky face, his speech bubble reads “Yeah....It’s the holidays....So what....You’re always falling asleep on the couch....Can’t you sleep at night?”

PANEL FOUR: Jack’s irritable face, his hand is rubbing his brow in frustration, his speech bubble reads “Christ...I’ve told you this a million times before...You know I have trouble sleeping in that bed...For some reason I can snooze on this couch though....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of the two of them, Donnie is gesturing with his hands, Jack has his head titled on an angle, looking annoyed. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “I’ve got an idea....You could move the couch upstairs! And move the bed downstairs! That way you wouldn’t fall asleep during the day and at night....You could....”, Jack’s speech bubble reads “Yeah....Very funny Donnie....Very funny..”

PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE: This panel is shaped differently to indicate this is part of Jack’s imaginings and is not happening, underneath the image in a box is Jack’s dialogue. The image is of Jack, sweat coming from his brow, lifting the couch up the stairs....Jack’s dialogue box below reads “Problem with that is...You’re bloody lazy... So I’d have to lift everything and Christ....I’m 65 now....It’d probably give me a heart attack!”

PANEL TWO: (Imagining again/different shaped panel) We see Jack clutching his chest as he is falling on to the bed he has just lifted downstairs into the lounge room in front of the TV....Jack’s dialogue box reads “Knowing my bloody luck....I’d have it on the bed.....Christ....Be the only way I could ever sleep in the stinkin’ thing....”

PANEL THREE: (Back to reality now) Donnie looks amused, and he is laughing as Jack buries his head back into his Racing Digest. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man you’re so pessimistic...It’s classic...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack’s irritated face, his speech bubble reads “Christ...I hate it when you say that! I’m a positive person.....I’ve got a job I go to every morning and....”

PANEL FIVE: Larger panel. The two of them, Donnie is rolling his eyes at Jack and looks amused, Jack is gesturing with his hands, still annoyed. Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Having a job doesn’t preclude you from being negative....You always look at things negatively....You must know that....”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Christ....I’m realistic....You don’t want to do half the jobs out there cause you think they’re beneath you or you don’t like the work....Now that’s bloody negative....”

PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie, amused at Jack....His speech bubble reads: “I don’t know what that’s got to do with anything....It’s the holidays now anyway....Remember Dorothy said I might be able to work at the bottle store because her friend....”

PANEL TWO: Jack is back to his Racing Digest....His speech bubble reads :”Yeah yeah....We’ll see...But you’re attitude is negative...I would never have allowed myself to be unemployed for over two years...”

PANEL THREE: Donnie looks a little hurt but he’s still trying to make a point....Jack is still looking at his Racing Digest....Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah I guess... But you know my CV is patchy as shit and I made a real effort this year but nobody would hire me in Dudstone....Least I got money from gigs and my writing....”

PANEL FOUR: Jack has now put the Digest down again, Donnie is listening....Jack gestures with his hands...Jack’s speech bubble reads “Yeah I understand that....And I hope this bottle store thing comes to fruition but the point is I’m a positive person who gets on with life but you on the other hand....”

PANEL FIVE: Tighter shot of Donnie amused...His facial expression reads: “Positive!! The other day you were talking about how you don’t even want a retirement party and then you said you’ll have to find some kind of work straight away otherwise you’ll die....”

PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE: Tighter shot of Jack, rubbing his forehead, looking irritated...His speech bubble reads: “Again....Realistic....Research shows that a high percentage of men my age die shortly after they retire if they don’t get involved in something else....The fact I want to get involved in something else shows I’m positive because....”

PANEL TWO: The two of them....Donnie amused, gesturing with this hands....Jack with his arms folded....Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “But the retirement party....You said you don’t even want one...You just want to walk away and then you said nobody would remember you in a couple of years time anyway and....”

PANEL THREE: The two of them, Jack is leaning in closer to Donnie to make his point, Donnie amused and unconvinced....Jack’s speech bubble reads: “You know I hate ceremony and again that’s just being realistic...People move on.....Christ...You’re pissing me off here...I read books about successful people all the time....I get up every morning at five am...I’m a positive person!!”

PANEL FOUR: The two of them again....Jack leaning in closer....His speech bubble reads: “The other day you were reading about that loser Kurt Cobain...He killed himself....I’m reading about Warren Buffet....Richest man in the world...So who’s the negative one!!”

PANEL FIVE: Jack standing up looking smug and slightly triumphant....Donnie is rolling his eyes....Jack’s speech bubble reads “Christ....Warren Buffet wrote that if he sees a coin on the ground he always picks it up....Because he’s not wasteful and he appreciates the value of money...So now I do the same....”

PAGE SIX

PANEL ONE: Jack is walking off towards the kitchen he has an empty wine glass in his hand....Donnie is getting up off the couch to follow him....Jack’s speech bubble reads: “If I’d been doing it my whole life who knows....It all adds up....But a guy like Kurt Cobain...What do you learn from him? How to blame the world for your own problems....”

PANEL TWO: Jack is filling up his wine glass....Donnie beside him gesturing away....Donnie’s speech bubble reads “You can’t compare Kurt Cobain to some business tycoon....And picking up coins off the ground...What kind of crap advice is that!!”

PANEL THREE: Jack looks exhausted, his hand over his head, he is walking away from Donnie who is still gesturing with his hands and talking....Donnie’s speech bubble reads “And okay maybe Cobain was a negative guy buy at least he made a difference in the world with his music those business guys....All they care about is money and....”

PANEL FOUR: Jack is heading outside....He is putting on some gardening gloves....Donnie trails behind...Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Man where are you going I haven’t finished yet....”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I’m sick of this shit....Going to trim the hedges....”

PANEL FIVE: Jack outside leaning down to trim the hedges, an annoyed facial expression....A caption below acts as Jack’s thoughts it reads: ”Positive person....I’m out here working....What’s he doing....Laying on the couch probably....Christ”

PAGE SEVEN

PANEL ONE: We can see the hedges are trimmed with bits of hedge all over the ground, Jack is sweating and clutching his back in pain....

PANEL TWO: Donnie on the couch reading a comic book with his feet up....

PANEL THREE: Jack walking inside clutching his back, Donnie getting up off the couch....Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Are you okay?”, Jack’s speech bubble reads “Yeah...I’m fine...Just hurt my back a bit...”

PANEL FOUR: Jack now sitting on the couch....He is holding an ice pack to his back....Donnie is back reading the comic....

PANEL FIVE: Donnie getting up, a cheeky facial expression as he talks....His speech bubble reads: “I bet Warren Buffet doesn’t get a sore back from doing the gardening...Had all that practice picking up coins...”, Jack looks irritated and is shooting Donnie a dirty look....

CAKE

I'll have my cake. I'll eat it. Then I'll write a lenghty critique of it followed by a self loathing rant on my method of eating.