DAN BRADER: COMEDIAN/WRITER/MOOCH

Article in upcoming YAWP Comedy Mag (Due out Feb 20th)

2012-02-14T17:20:00.000-08:00

PREVIEW OF UPCOMING KITE FAMILY SHORT (ENTITLED: I'M A POSITIVE PERSON)

2012-02-13T00:28:00.000-08:00

Donnie explains how Jack can solve the problem of falling asleep on the couch but staying awake all night in the bed....

Jack's reponse of why he'd never do this....

(WRITTEN BY DAN BRADER/ART BY ED BAUERIS)

SYDNEY GIGS

2012-02-12T00:13:00.000-08:00

NEW SOUNDCLOUD CLIPS BELOW FROM SHOWS:

KITE FAMILY SHORT: DOROTHY THE DRUNK

2012-01-30T01:40:00.000-08:00

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

SHORT FEATURE: DOROTHY THE DRUNK

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack sitting on the couch with a grumpy looking facial expression he’s pointing the remote control at the Television, Happy is sitting beside him. There’s a couple of empty bottles of wine on the table and Jack’s glass of wine is all but empty. Donnie has just entered the room and is approaching Jack. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man has she gone to bed already? It’s only ten past seven!”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Christ she started drinking at bloody five on the dot!”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack who is gesturing with his hands and has his head turned towards Donnie who is now seated on the couch with him. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I was willing to let it slide for a bit....I sympathised with her being stressed about you being home....But this has been going on for too long!”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah....I dunno.....She doesn’t like her job at the newspaper so....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack, glass of wine in hand, dismissive facial expression. His speech bubble reads: “Christ....She complains about every bloody job she has....Me I just get up in the morning and get on with things....”

PANEL FOUR: Jack walking back towards the couch, a new bottle of wine in his hand. Donnie on the couch, he now has a packet of chips he’s just got from the cupboard, his neck is craned to the left as he talks to Jack. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “This is why I should buy a business....Then she works for me and she’s got no reason to get pissed every night...”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah...I don’t know....I think she likes her independence....And you’re a bit...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack looking a bit pissed off, gesturing with his hands. His speech bubble reads: “I’m a bit ‘tightly wound’ and ‘anal’ that’s what Dorothy told me you said....She said she agrees with ya....So when I’m away on business that’s what you do is it? Poke fun at Jack!”

PAGE TWO:

PANEL ONE: Shot of the two of them. Jack looking frustrated as he points the remote at the TV, glass of wine in the other hand. Donnie looks a bit awkward, his eyes downcast as he grabs some chips from the bag.

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie, gesturing with his hands. His speech bubble reads: “I dunno...I just think maybe she wants a different job....She’s been looking anyway....They really treat her like shit at the newspaper”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack about to sip from his wine. His speech bubble reads: “Well you and her will be happy to know the bloody arts store is a dead loss....Doesn’t make any money...So she doesn’t have to work for me....I try to help people and.....Jesus....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of the two of them. Jack looking frustrated and worn out. Donnie with his eyes downcast looking awkward. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Don’t know why I bother coming home on the weekends....I should just put some money in your accounts....That’s all you two want from me anyway..”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man don’t say that.....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack walking into the bedroom, hand over his head looking unimpressed. Dorothy is lying on the bed in her T-shirt and underpants. The sheets are all over the place and there’s a bag of chips beside her and a plate on it with half eaten cheese and crackers. There’s also a glass of wine on the bedside table. Her mouth is half open and she’s drooling slightly. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Jesus.....Christ....I can’t handle this.....”

PAGE THREE:

PANEL ONE: Jack is sitting in his car. Donnie is leaning in to talk to him. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Sorry about everything.....Hope next weekend is better....”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “It’s not your fault....But it’ll be more of the same....Christ she can’t even get out of bed to say goodbye to me....”

PANEL TWO: Similar shot. Donnie looks a bit unconvincing as he tries to explain, Jack still looking frustrated. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “She said she’s feeling sick...Reckons she’s got the flu...”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah yeah....Anybody would feel like sick after all that..”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack who is looking a bit emotional. His speech bubble reads: “Can you please try and talk to her? If she hates her job she can quit..I don’t want to deal with this shit every weekend.”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie scratching the back of his head looking a bit awkward. His speech bubble reads: “I’ll try but I mean she’s getting drunk on the weekdays even and....”, speech bubble off screen reads....”Jesus....I can’t believe this....”

PANEL FIVE: Front on view of Jack driving off. He looks noticeably upset.

PAGE FOUR:

PANEL ONE: In a caption at the bottom of the screen it reads ‘TUESDAY, 6:45PM’. We can see Dorothy collapsed on the couch, an empty bottle of wine at her feet.

PANEL TWO: In a caption at the bottom of the screen it reads ‘WEDNESDAY, 7PM’. We can see Dorothy collapsed on the couch again, a big bag of potato chips on top of her, Donnie is approaching her with the phone. His speech bubble reads: “Jack’s on the phone”. Speech bubble from the phone reads “Christ...I can hear her snoring from here....I can’t believe this shit!”

PANEL THREE: Dorothy is on the computer. She is fiddling with the mouse and looks drunk and frustrated. Beside her is a glass of wine and half empty bottle of wine. Her speech bubble reads: “Bloody stupid thing! Donnie! Donnie! Come here!”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie is flicking a switch on the Webcam. Dorothy is about to sip from her wine. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man...It’s pretty obvious....You have to turn the webcam on if you want to use it!”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “I’m sick of pushing all these bloody buttons!”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie heading towards the door, still looking a bit annoyed. Speech bubble off screen (Dorothy's) reads: “I’m gunna talk to Aunty Rachel....What are you doing?”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “I dunno....Maybe write more of comic.."

PAGE FIVE:

PANEL ONE: Dorothy is collapsed at the computer snoring. Donnie is beside her, Donnie now dressed in T-shirt and underpants, a comic book in his left hand, he’s trying to wake her with the other hand. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man....Wake up....You can’t fall asleep drunk in front of the computer....Fuck!”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Dorothy pissed off talking to Donnie, who has his arms folded. Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “I’m not drunk! I’m bloody tired! I’ve been working all day unlike you!”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah whatever.....Man...Get your act together!”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Dorothy looking pissed off. Her speech bubble reads: “Piss off and go to bed! I’m talking to Aunty Rachel anyway!!”

PANEL FOUR: (LARGER PANEL) Close shot of the computer screen, Dorothy collapsed in front of it drunk, Skype is on, we can see Aunty Rachel also collapsed drunk and snoring with a bottle of wine beside her too....

PREVIEW OF NEW UPCOMING KITE SHORT FEATURE (ENTITLED: COOL KENNY'S MOVIE MADNESS)

2012-01-26T21:10:00.000-08:00

HERE'S SOME PANELS FROM A NEW 'THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY' SHORT FEATURE ENTITLED 'COOL KENNY'S MOVIE MADNESS' SCRIPT BY ME/ART YI LANG CHEN

Donnie wants Jack to rent American Splendour but Jack doesn't want to wait in line and thinks he can find something better to rent....

Now.... Jack explains his reasons for renting "American Ninja" over Donnie's recommendation of "American Splendour"

KITE FAMILY: IF NOTHING ELSE

2012-01-24T02:36:00.000-08:00

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

SHORT FEATURE: “IF NOTHING ELSE”

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Jack is driving along in his car we can see him turning the wheel. Caption below reads: “On my way home again....Four hours....Phone hasn’t rung once....You’d think they’d call but....”

PANEL TWO: Longer shot of the car heading around a corner...Caption below reads: “Then I have to make the dinner....I mean I don’t mind that I suppose...But...”

PANEL THREE: Tight shot of Jack’s tired face....Caption below reads: “Donnie just makes funny of me.....Dorothy’s always pissed by the time the meal’s ready....Christ....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of a much younger Jack sitting at a table with his parents and his brother and sister....They all look really happy....Caption below reads: “My family....Totally different story....We all sat the dining table...Talked about our days...”

PANEL FIVE: Tight shot of Jack’s Mother laughing as she’s about to put a fork full of steak in her mouth....Caption below reads: “We all loved one another....Never any real arguments....Nobody got pissed and caused a scene...”

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE: Shot of Dorothy eating a steak with her fingers, Jack has hands over his head and looks appalled....Donnie is putting at Dorothy and laughing....Caption below reads: “We don’t even sit at the bloody dinner table....Dorothy sometimes doesn’t even use a knife and fork....Jesus...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack sitting in his little spartan, undecorated flat with a glass of wine looking a bit morose...Caption below reads: “I’d stay in my little flat but I’d be bored shitless....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack pulled over by the side of the road....He’s pissing in a tree....Caption below reads: “Bloody 65 years next year....So I’ll have to retire....She’ll be drunk every night....Donnie will move away again but for how long.....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack zipping himself up as he walks towards the car...Caption below reads: “How did my life end up like this? Christ....”

PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack driving again.....Caption below reads: “I should never have gotten back together with Dorothy....But then again if I get divorced now....Christ....”

PANEL TWO: Tighter shot of Jack’s face....Caption below reads: “I’ll have no bloody money and I’ll be lonely as shit....I’m not going to meet a woman now....Not at my bloody age....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack sitting at a restaurant with a woman in her mid thirties, he looks disinterested as she speaks using her hands to express herself....Caption below reads: “Christ...The women I met when I split from Dorothy....Bloody flakes....”

PANEL FOUR: Jack back at the wheel...Caption below reads: “They didn’t know anything about wine....Good restaurants.....Hadn’t even left the country....Small minded....Uncivilised people....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack hanging up a nice painting, Dorothy to the left of him guiding him....Caption below reads: “At least Dorothy has some sophistication and appreciation for the finer things in life...”

PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE: Jack back at the wheel....Caption below reads: “Then again....It’s where you live isn’t it? If I had the money I could relocate to Sydney maybe or London even and....”

PANEL TWO: Similar shot but now tighter on Jack’s face....Caption below reads: “But the house prices in places like those and I can’t get the pension and I’m too old to start a new job and....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack pulling into the garage....Caption below reads: “I guess you just have to accept your life....Nothing else you can do is there....”

PANEL FOUR: Jack walking up the stairs.....Happy is running towards him....Caption below reads: “Little Happy.....Always pleased to see me....”

PANEL FIVE: Jack is holding on to Happy who is trying to lick him....Jack is smiling as he wards off her advances....Caption below reads: “At least there’s that.....If nothing else.....”

KITE FAMILY SHORT: OPERATING ON A HIGHER LEVEL

2012-01-24T02:20:00.000-08:00

KITE FAMILY SHORT: "OPERATING ON A HIGHER LEVEL"

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Jack is sitting on the bed in his hotel suite on the phone, his speech bubble reads: “You see the difference between me and Dorothy and well you for that matter....”

PANEL TWO: Tight shot of Jack’s smug face, his speech bubble reads: “Is I exercise a great deal of self control...You see right now I’ve got a bottle of wine....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of the half empty bottle of wine, speech bubble on screen reads: “I’ve drunk exactly half of it....I won’t drink anymore....And I don’t need to put it away in a cupboard”

PANEL FOUR: Move in tighter on the bottle of wine, speech bubble on screen reads: “It can be in my line of vision the entire night.....But will my will power is so strong.....I won’t be remotely tempted...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack holding up a glass of wine to his face, his speech bubble reads: “I can make one bottle of wine last three nights if I have to....”

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE: Tight shot of Jack’s hand as he holds the glass of wine, speech bubble reads: “ Whilst that Dorothy....Chugs through one....Sometimes two bottles are night....It’s obscene....”

PANEL TWO:Shot of the floor of the hotel room where we can see Jack’s briefcase and his overnight travel bag....Speech bubble reads: “And you....Well you go out and every time you get pissed....I guess you’re only a binge drinker but still....”

PANEL THREE: Tight shot of Jack’s smug face, his speech bubble reads: “I don’t understand why people can’t exercise self control....I guess I sometimes forget I’m operating on a higher level than most people...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of the bedside table where we see Jack’s fancy watch....His wallet which is open....We can see inside a “ Mastercard Gold” and an “Elite Traveller’s Card”....There are a bunch of coins spread out on the table too ....Speech bubble reads: “So in many ways I’m being unfair to even make the comparison....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack opening the mini-bar in the hotel and getting out a bottle of water...Speech bubble reads: “ But I must admit that sometimes....It makes for a lonely life....I feel like I can’t relate....”

PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE: Shot of the bottle of water....There are tiny droplets of water dripping down the side of the bottle....Speech bubble reads: “I mean.....Andy and Dick are out now....At the hotel bar....Getting pissed....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack turning off the main light switch....Speech bubble reads: “I suppose I’m in my mid sixties now so....But no....Even in my forties I’d still be here in my hotel room....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack lying on the bed flicking through the channels on the TV with his remote...His speech bubble reads: “But again that shows that...You see I’ve never been bothered by solitude....Some people need to be around people constantly but....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of the TV screen....We can see a news presenter on there.....Speech bubble below reads: “Which again is a weakness....The mentally strong can go for hours without contact....You see they have so much going on in their brain....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack putting the phone in the charger....He is now dressed in his pyjamas....Some time has elapsed...

PAGE FOUR:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack now in bed the covers pulled over him...He is still awake however...There are speech bubbles coming from outside the door....The speech bubble reads: “Mate....That Kite...He never comes out....He’s a bloody hermit....”

PANEL TWO: Tight shot of Jack’s face he is squinting as if slightly annoyed

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack sitting on the edge of the bed....The bottle of water in his hand

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack reaching down for his phone

PANEL FIVE: Shot of the face of Jack’s phone which reads “No New Messages”

Vinnie's Depressed....

2012-01-20T02:33:00.000-08:00

Vinne's depressed on Jersey Shore....

And we're told it's because he suffers from anxiety (that's why he's wearing his glasses, people!!) and he misses his family....that's why he's always in his room...and not at the night club...I mean surely going to the same night club with the same group of people every night would never get old? Right?

Vinnie's depressed on Jersey Shore...and it's got nothing to do with the fact he's living with a bunch of people who have happily become walking punch-lines; who exist in a weird state in which they are some kind of bizarre self parody of their former selves.

It' a self parody in which they are never allowed, or perhaps unable, to recognise the fact that their whole existence is to remain in a state of perpetually-arrested adolescence. To remain in a blissfully-hedonistic state in which the only things they are meant to care about are gym, tanning, laundry, alcohol and sex. To remain wilfully ignorant of the changes impacted on their lives by being filmed everywhere they go and not being able to live any kind of "normal" life.

The acknowledgement of such would burst the illusion of the show’s “reality” and reach a level of honesty which doesn’t constitute “television”. It's too real for reality TV. And besides we know this is all real because every now and again we see a grainy, washed-out looking shot which must come from a camera the cast is, like, totally unaware of!

And hey Vinnie and co, you can’t look at the camera and acknowledge your fraudlent life. You can't do that because you’d miss out on getting paid ten million dollars (or whatever it is) to say “GTL” and “MVP” while thumping your chest and grinning mindlessly at the camera, counting your money and not your ennui.

But oh no none of that would make you depressed.... none of that would make you go crazy at all...It’s all because you haven’t eaten Mom’s pasta in a couple of weeks. Eat some pasta, get your cheeks pinched by your fat aunts and everything will be okay!

Or take some more pills. That'll help. Become a spokesman for depression and anxiety. There's dollars in that and it further fosters the believe that it's unnatural to have negative emotions. I mean c'mon every sane person in America would want to be on Jersey Shore! Think of the money! Think of the fleeting, barely credible fame! Anyone who thinks it'd be a nightmarish, stifling existence in which you're trapped into a persona and set of goofy catchphrases and not allowed to grow mentally to the point where all this gym, tanning and laundry just seems kinda of stupid because there's other things going on in the world and maybe I'd like to make a difference maybe I could go back to school and...SHUT UP AND TAKE A PILL AND COUNT YOUR MONEY AGAIN! LOOK AT IT ALL THERE! THERE'S MILLIONS OF DOLLARS THERE AND YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT PERSONAL GROWTH? WHAT ARE YOU?? IT AIN'T MVP ANYMORE BRO IT'S MP!!

AND HEY....

Everyone else on Jersey Shore is having fun Vinnie....Hell Pauly D and The Situation would probably do the show until they were 85 and wouldn't think that banging different 19 year olds every night and tanning everyday is something you grow out of. Ronnie and Sam are happy having the same argument over and over again and Snooki and Deanna - they can get drunk every night of the week for their whole lives!!! TEAM MEATBALL WILL NEVER DIE!! JUICEHEAD GORILLAS HERE WE COME!

Seriously Vinnie what's depressing about that?

EVERYTHING..

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

2012-01-18T19:56:00.000-08:00

ISSUE ONE OF MY COMIC BOOK SERIES 'THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY' IS NOW ON SMACK JEEVES WEBCOMICS AND WILL ALSO BE RELEASED AROUND AUSTRALIA AND NEW ZEALAND VIA 'FIST FULL OF COMICS'

http://theadventuresofthekitefamily.smackjeeves.com/comics/1404784/the-adventures-of-the-kite-family-cover/

SHORT FEATURES:http://kitefamilyshorttwo.smackjeeves.com/comics/1404982/page-1/

Idol

2012-01-18T03:53:00.000-08:00

American Idol and it's ilk proves that anyone, yes anyone, can achieve their dreams* if they just believe!!!

*That's if your dream is to be marginally famous for about six months and write and record mindless, forgettable music which you had little or no control of! Blow what money you make in your "career" on unnecessary material possesions and "status symbols" and wind up being that borderline alcoholic, bitter guy/girl at the pub who sometimes does karaoke and is really, pretty, alright and used to be on some TV show a while back I reckon? But mostly just mumbles to him/herself incoherently about 'how fucked' it all is.

The Blanket Man

2012-01-15T01:40:00.000-08:00

A well known homeless guy just died in Wellington.

There's been a barrage of Facebook status updates venerating him as some kind of iconic patron saint and a handful writing him off, using him soley as cautionary tale for what can happen to drunken drivers (he took to living on the streets after killing a friend in a drunken driving accident).

Being a well known, harmless homeless person is no real achievement and anybody trying to find some kind of saintly quality in him is blinded by the sentimentality of death.

Let's be honest here. He was: a figure of fun, a cautionary tale and a benign and harmless person (post accident).

The truth is far more complex than bland platitudes or dismissive write- offs of an entire life for one mistake.

Time Travel

2012-01-13T15:40:00.000-08:00

I’m 30 years old and I have no money and no real career prospects.

But I do have wealthy parents.

That shouldn’t even enter my head but it does....

Sometimes I’ve laid awake at night and rather than thinking of how I can become self sufficient and get my life back on track again I’ve found myself thinking if only I had access to some kind of time travelling portal....

Like the guy in the latest Stephen King’ novel....He finds a time portal and goes back in time to stop JFK from being shot....

So would I go back in time to prevent myself from making the mistakes that lead me to this point in my life and maybe while I’m there stop 9/11 from happening or something?

I’m pretty sure the terrorists boarded that plane early in the morning and I’m not really a morning person so....

No.....

If I had access to some kind of time portal...I’d travel twenty years into the future so I could avoid sorting my own life out and collect the inheritance from my parent’s death and hopefully by then they’ll have invented a pill that wipes regrettable memories from your mind so I can live guilt free.....

This is why I’m not a best-selling novelist.

This isn’t a story for everyone.....It doesn’t have mass appeal....

You can turn this into a movie or sell lunchboxes with images from it to kids.....

‘What’s that you’ve got on your lunchbox there little Timmy? Who’s that a picture of?’

‘Oh that’s just Dan from the movie...He’s in a high class brothel about to have a three way with a couple of eighteen year old blonde twins...You know, to celebrate having used a time machine to travel twenty years into the future to collect a hefty inheritance from his parents death....If only time machines existed right? But no we have to sit around and wait for our parents to die....Boring huh?’

KITE FAMILY SHORT: PHOTO ALBUM

2012-01-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

(Art by Yi Lang Chen)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

SHORT FEATURE: PHOTO ALBUM

PAGE ONE

PANEL ONE: Jack is sitting on the couch with a photo album on his lap

PANEL TWO: Jack taking a sip from his glass of wine

PANEL THREE: Jack smiling as he looks through the photo album

PANEL FOUR: Jack filling up his glass of wine

PANEL FIVE: Tight shot of an image from the photo album...It is an image of Donnie aged five dressed up in a Superman outfit....A younger Jack is holding hands with him

PAGE TWO:

PANEL ONE: Tight shot of Jack’s smiling face as he looks at the photo

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie by the doorway, walking towards Jack....Donnie is wearing old shorts and T-Shirt and no shoes

PANEL THREE: Donnie now seated next to Jack....Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Man...Why are you looking through these?”...Jack is taking a sip from his wine

PANEL FOUR : Tight shot of a photo of Donnie, aged around nineteen, he has long out of control looking hair and is trying to look cool as he stares at the camera. There’s a speech bubble at the side of the panel (Donnie) which reads “Man....Look at my hair there....Fuck....”

PANEL FIVE: Jack flicking the pages of the photo album....His speech bubble reads....”This is a better one...”

PAGE THREE:

PANEL ONE: Tight shot of an image of Donnie (aged five) dressed in a posh school uniform...Blazer....Shirt and tie and a little hat.

PANEL TWO: Tight shot of a smiling Jack as he reminisces, his speech bubble reads: “Your first day at Redberry School…You had to wear a tie....I had to help you tie it...I used to shine your shoes every morning before I went to work…”

PANEL THREE: Shot of a smiling, happy Jack, now with his arm around Donnie (who looks a bit awkward), his speech bubble reads: “Do you remember? Your first day at school here Donnie…God...I was so proud!”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie’s face, he looks a bit embarrassed and dismissive of the photo...His speech bubble reads “Man...Wearing a blazer and a tie at five years old...What a pretentious school...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of the two of them....Jack is taking a sip from his wine....Donnie is flicking through the photo album....

PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE: Tight shot of a photo....This one shows Jack in his thirties...He is wearing a t-shirt and little beach shorts....He is very skinny and has legs which almost go straight up and down and big knees sticking out. Speech bubble (Donnie’s) to the side of the screen reads: “Look at this one... You at the beach..I’ve never seen you wear shorts! Now I know why!”

PANEL TWO: Jack taking the album away from Donnie....Donnie is laughing in the background...Jack’s speech bubble reads “Christ....Photo albums are about recalling fond memories not ridiculing one another!”

PANEL THREE: The two of them on the couch...Flicking through the photo album

PANEL FOUR: Jack taking a sip from his glass of wine

PANEL FIVE: Jack looking happy as they look through the album....His speech bubble reads “This one...This is a favourite of mine...” Look at you…In the bath...And me wearing the Sailor’s Cap....Playing with your little steamboat...Christ you were cute...”

PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE: The two of them....Jack still marvelling at the photo....Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Yeah...Alright...Turn the page...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of the two of them....Jack with his arm around Donnie....His speech bubble reads “You know I used to sing to you when you were in the bath...”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah...Yeah I know...You’ve told me before...”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack’s smiling, sentimental face...His speech bubble reads: “There’s your little steam boat there....I used to do little noises for it...’Toot...Toot’!”

PANEL FOUR: Jack about to sip from his wine glass...His speech bubble reads....”I think we’ve still got that little boat...I saw it in the garage...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie’s embarrassed face...His speech bubble reads: “Man....This is so corny...Can we talk about something else?”

PAGE SIX:

PANEL ONE: Jack getting up off the couch....His speech bubble reads: “Wait there...I’ll go find it....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack rummaging around in the garage...He’s looking through a big cardboard box that has written on it “DONNIE’S TOYS”

PANEL THREE: Jack sitting next to Donnie again...He has the old, toy steamboat in his hands now and he’s also wearing a faded, old sailor’s hat...His speech bubble reads “I found it! And the hat... I’d never throw this away...All those memories of me bathing you....Christ you were cute...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie getting up off the couch...Jack is imploring him, gesturing with his hands, to sit back down...Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Man...I can’t handle this...I’ll talk to you tomorrow when you’re not all drunk and sentimental...”, Jack’s speech bubble reads “C’mon Donnie sit down! I want to talk to you!”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack now alone on the couch, still wearing the sailor’s cap....He is fiddling with the little steam boat....He is staring forlornly into space, a small tear running down his cheek....His speech bubble reads “Toot...Toot...”

KITE FAMILY SHORT: 'JUMBO POPCORN'

2012-01-05T00:07:00.000-08:00

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY
SHORT FEATURE:“JUMBO POPCORN”

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: We can see a younger Jack Kite (in his forties) using a payphone in the lobby of a cinema....Beside him is a young Donnie Kite (around ten years of age)....Donnie is holding a large cup of coke and a bag of sweets. Jack’s speech bubble reads “So you’re telling me we should pay for these “Smith And Windsors” pricks meal!”

PANEL TWO: Tighter shot of Jack’s angry face, still on the phone. His speech bubble reads: “Christ....I remember when I went to England with you and when it came time to pay the bill those wankers waited outside!”

PANEL THREE: Similar shot of Jack, his speech bubble reads: “So why should we pay for their dinner!”

PANEL FOUR: Similar shot of Jack now, looking even more irritable than before, his speech bubble reads “Yeah....Yeah I suppose...But this is the last time we pay for them!”

PANEL FIVE: Jack, looking down at his watch as he approaches little Donnie. Donnie is sipping from his drink. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “ Sorry about that… The movie’s probably starting now…Let’s go..”

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE: Shot of little Donnie, he is fiddling with his thumbs and he looks at the ground...His speech bubble reads “Aw okay...I just thought....”

PANEL TWO: Jack leaning down to little Donnie...His speech bubble reads “You thought what? Do you need to use the toilet?”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “No...I just wanted....I really wanted...”

PANEL THREE: Jack starting to look annoyed....His speech bubble reads “What do you want Donnie? Christ....We’ll miss the movie!”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “It’s okay...Don’t worry about it...”

PANEL FOUR: The two of them walking off....Donnie is looking back at The Candy Bar...We can see a big advertising display for popcorn...It reads “Try the new JUMBO POPCORN!!”

PANEL FIVE: Jack leaning across to Donnie, his speech bubble reads...”What is it Donnie?”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Umm...I just want...I really want some popcorn!”

PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE: Jack is putting his hand over his head, he looks like he’s about to get angry...His speech bubble reads: “Christ...So you want some popcorn do ya? I got you some sweets and a drink! It’s always something else isn’t it!”

PANEL TWO: Jack shaking his head as he heads towards The Candy Bar....His speech bubble reads “Alright then...I’ll get you a small thing of popcorn”

PANEL THREE: Little Donnie looking excited....He is pointing to the popcorn ad...His speech bubble reads “No....I want the JUMBO POPCORN!”

PANEL FOUR: Jack and Donnie. Jack is rubbing his forehead....Looking exasperated...His speech bubble reads...”I’m not getting you that! Christ! It’s seven dollars...You’ll never eat it...I’ll get you a small one!”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie’s disappointed face....He is kicking a bin nearby...His speech bubble reads “I want the Jumbo Popcorn!!”

PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE: Tighter shot of Jack who is looking really annoyed now...His speech bubble reads: “I’m not payin’ seven stinkin’ dollars for popcorn! Jesus...You’ve got chocolate and drinks! We went to the movies yesterday too! Christ!”

PANEL TWO: Little Donnie is stamping his feet, his speech bubble reads: “I want the Jumbo Popcorn! The Jumbo!”

PANEL THREE: Jack with his hand on his forehead.....His speech bubble reads “Jesus....I can’t believe this...”

PANEL FOUR: Little Donnie tugging at his Father’s arm...His speech bubble reads:”Please! please!…I won’t ask for anything else all day I promise!”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack leaning down....His speech bubble reads “Yeah alright....I’ll get you your stinkin’ popcorn!”

PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE: Jack is waiting in line now at The Candy Bar, with Donnie beside him....He is looking really annoyed

PANEL TWO: Jack handing his son the Jumbo popcorn as they walk off...

PANEL THREE: Donnie is greedily eating the popcorn as they walk off...Jack’s looking really annoyed...

PANEL FOUR: Jack leaning down to Donnie, Jack has his wallet out and he’s pushing a bunch of cards into Donnie’s little chest...His speech bubble reads: “You don’t want anything else do ya? Chips....Ice cream....Christ...Why don’t you just take my whole wallet....Take my credit cards....Here....Take them! Take my golf membership card too...Go play nine holes!”

PANEL FIVE: They’re sitting in the cinema now....Donnie is now crying.....Jack’s is consoling him....His speech bubble reads: “I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to get wild at you....I’m sorry Donnie!”

PAGE SIX

PANEL ONE: Jack with his arm around little Donnie who is wiping his face with a handkerchief....Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I’m sorry....Okay...Let’s just enjoy the movie now...Please...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of them watching the movie....Donnie is laughing and smiling...Jack is looking lovingly at little Donnie...

PANEL THREE: Jack getting out of his seat....Turning to little Donnie...His speech bubble reads: “ I’m gonna go to the toilet…Do you need to go or are you alright?”

PANEL FOUR: Close up of little Donnie who is absorbed in the movie....His speech bubble reads “I’m okay...Can you get me another drink though?”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack looking as if he is about to lose the plot

PANEL SIX: Shot of the two of them watching the movie...Donnie’s drinking from his new drink....Jack looks on shaking his head....

Comic Book Resume

2012-01-02T16:47:00.000-08:00

On a recent "The Adventures Of The Kite Family" (a comic book series I'm writing) script I posted on my blog I received the following comment:

"I was searching for the information on the same topic and now I am here. So much information, really well executed blog. This is really informative and I will for sure refer my friends the same. Thanks. The Resume Writing Service. Randall K Lawson."

Which I assumed was misguided spam...

But then again perhaps the reason I've been struggling to get a day job is I was handing out CVs maybe this whole time I should have been handing out comic book scripts.....

"We're totally crazy"

2011-12-31T14:47:00.000-08:00

"We're totally crazy! Men's shirts! Short skirts! Woahha! Man I feel like a woman!", screamed the Shania Twain "tune" from the speakers at bang on midnight at a shit pub, which sent the crowd into a frenzy....There's nothing remotely crazy or eccentric about wearing a man's shirt and a short skirt...It's a stock slutty outfit...What is crazy however is jumping up and down in amazement about hearing a song you've heard a million times before....You've rung in the new year like you have every other day of your life...Blindly eating the shit the world serves you with a smile on your dumb face.

KITE FAMILY SHORT "I'M A POSITIVE PERSON"

2011-12-31T13:22:00.000-08:00

(PAGE ONE ART BY EDWARD BAUERIS)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

SHORT FEATURE: ‘I’M A POSITIVE PERSON!’

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack sitting watching the TV...There’s horse racing on in the background

PANEL TWO: Tighter shot of Jack who is yawning

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack dozing on the couch....His face collapsing in his left hand....

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie entering the living room

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack sitting bolt upright, trying to appear casual though like he’s been awake and alert the whole time and was just scratching his face....

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE: Donnie sitting on the couch next to Jack, Donnie has a can of coke in his hand....Jack is studying his Horse Racing Digest, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Man...That horse racing’s so boring you’re falling asleep”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Eh? What the hell are you talking about?”

PANEL TWO: Tighter shot of Donnie’s face, Jack in the background, looking at him with a slightly annoyed facial expression, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “You were asleep just a second ago...”, Jack’s speech bubble in background reads “Christ...You didn’t get out of bed until twelve!”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie’s cheeky face, his speech bubble reads “Yeah....It’s the holidays....So what....You’re always falling asleep on the couch....Can’t you sleep at night?”

PANEL FOUR: Jack’s irritable face, his hand is rubbing his brow in frustration, his speech bubble reads “Christ...I’ve told you this a million times before...You know I have trouble sleeping in that bed...For some reason I can snooze on this couch though....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of the two of them, Donnie is gesturing with his hands, Jack has his head titled on an angle, looking annoyed. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “I’ve got an idea....You could move the couch upstairs! And move the bed downstairs! That way you wouldn’t fall asleep during the day and at night....You could....”, Jack’s speech bubble reads “Yeah....Very funny Donnie....Very funny..”

PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE: This panel is shaped differently to indicate this is part of Jack’s imaginings and is not happening, underneath the image in a box is Jack’s dialogue. The image is of Jack, sweat coming from his brow, lifting the couch up the stairs....Jack’s dialogue box below reads “Problem with that is...You’re bloody lazy... So I’d have to lift everything and Christ....I’m 65 now....It’d probably give me a heart attack!”

PANEL TWO: (Imagining again/different shaped panel) We see Jack clutching his chest as he is falling on to the bed he has just lifted downstairs into the lounge room in front of the TV....Jack’s dialogue box reads “Knowing my bloody luck....I’d have it on the bed.....Christ....Be the only way I could ever sleep in the stinkin’ thing....”

PANEL THREE: (Back to reality now) Donnie looks amused, and he is laughing as Jack buries his head back into his Racing Digest. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man you’re so pessimistic...It’s classic...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack’s irritated face, his speech bubble reads “Christ...I hate it when you say that! I’m a positive person.....I’ve got a job I go to every morning and....”

PANEL FIVE: Larger panel. The two of them, Donnie is rolling his eyes at Jack and looks amused, Jack is gesturing with his hands, still annoyed. Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Having a job doesn’t preclude you from being negative....You always look at things negatively....You must know that....”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Christ....I’m realistic....You don’t want to do half the jobs out there cause you think they’re beneath you or you don’t like the work....Now that’s bloody negative....”

PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie, amused at Jack....His speech bubble reads: “I don’t know what that’s got to do with anything....It’s the holidays now anyway....Remember Dorothy said I might be able to work at the bottle store because her friend....”

PANEL TWO: Jack is back to his Racing Digest....His speech bubble reads :”Yeah yeah....We’ll see...But you’re attitude is negative...I would never have allowed myself to be unemployed for over two years...”

PANEL THREE: Donnie looks a little hurt but he’s still trying to make a point....Jack is still looking at his Racing Digest....Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah I guess... But you know my CV is patchy as shit and I made a real effort this year but nobody would hire me in Dudstone....Least I got money from gigs and my writing....”

PANEL FOUR: Jack has now put the Digest down again, Donnie is listening....Jack gestures with his hands...Jack’s speech bubble reads “Yeah I understand that....And I hope this bottle store thing comes to fruition but the point is I’m a positive person who gets on with life but you on the other hand....”

PANEL FIVE: Tighter shot of Donnie amused...His facial expression reads: “Positive!! The other day you were talking about how you don’t even want a retirement party and then you said you’ll have to find some kind of work straight away otherwise you’ll die....”

PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE: Tighter shot of Jack, rubbing his forehead, looking irritated...His speech bubble reads: “Again....Realistic....Research shows that a high percentage of men my age die shortly after they retire if they don’t get involved in something else....The fact I want to get involved in something else shows I’m positive because....”

PANEL TWO: The two of them....Donnie amused, gesturing with this hands....Jack with his arms folded....Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “But the retirement party....You said you don’t even want one...You just want to walk away and then you said nobody would remember you in a couple of years time anyway and....”

PANEL THREE: The two of them, Jack is leaning in closer to Donnie to make his point, Donnie amused and unconvinced....Jack’s speech bubble reads: “You know I hate ceremony and again that’s just being realistic...People move on.....Christ...You’re pissing me off here...I read books about successful people all the time....I get up every morning at five am...I’m a positive person!!”

PANEL FOUR: The two of them again....Jack leaning in closer....His speech bubble reads: “The other day you were reading about that loser Kurt Cobain...He killed himself....I’m reading about Warren Buffet....Richest man in the world...So who’s the negative one!!”

PANEL FIVE: Jack standing up looking smug and slightly triumphant....Donnie is rolling his eyes....Jack’s speech bubble reads “Christ....Warren Buffet wrote that if he sees a coin on the ground he always picks it up....Because he’s not wasteful and he appreciates the value of money...So now I do the same....”

PAGE SIX

PANEL ONE: Jack is walking off towards the kitchen he has an empty wine glass in his hand....Donnie is getting up off the couch to follow him....Jack’s speech bubble reads: “If I’d been doing it my whole life who knows....It all adds up....But a guy like Kurt Cobain...What do you learn from him? How to blame the world for your own problems....”

PANEL TWO: Jack is filling up his wine glass....Donnie beside him gesturing away....Donnie’s speech bubble reads “You can’t compare Kurt Cobain to some business tycoon....And picking up coins off the ground...What kind of crap advice is that!!”

PANEL THREE: Jack looks exhausted, his hand over his head, he is walking away from Donnie who is still gesturing with his hands and talking....Donnie’s speech bubble reads “And okay maybe Cobain was a negative guy buy at least he made a difference in the world with his music those business guys....All they care about is money and....”

PANEL FOUR: Jack is heading outside....He is putting on some gardening gloves....Donnie trails behind...Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Man where are you going I haven’t finished yet....”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I’m sick of this shit....Going to trim the hedges....”

PANEL FIVE: Jack outside leaning down to trim the hedges, an annoyed facial expression....A caption below acts as Jack’s thoughts it reads: ”Positive person....I’m out here working....What’s he doing....Laying on the couch probably....Christ”

PAGE SEVEN

PANEL ONE: We can see the hedges are trimmed with bits of hedge all over the ground, Jack is sweating and clutching his back in pain....

PANEL TWO: Donnie on the couch reading a comic book with his feet up....

PANEL THREE: Jack walking inside clutching his back, Donnie getting up off the couch....Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Are you okay?”, Jack’s speech bubble reads “Yeah...I’m fine...Just hurt my back a bit...”

PANEL FOUR: Jack now sitting on the couch....He is holding an ice pack to his back....Donnie is back reading the comic....

PANEL FIVE: Donnie getting up, a cheeky facial expression as he talks....His speech bubble reads: “I bet Warren Buffet doesn’t get a sore back from doing the gardening...Had all that practice picking up coins...”, Jack looks irritated and is shooting Donnie a dirty look....

CAKE

2011-12-28T00:59:00.001-08:00

I'll have my cake. I'll eat it. Then I'll write a lenghty critique of it followed by a self loathing rant on my method of eating.

Sweat

2011-12-27T06:53:00.003-08:00

I'm scared of the passion that lies within me. I allow it to ooze out my skin fleetingly and inconspicously like the drunken sweat of a hangover; alone I scrunch up my sweaty shirt, pour it into a glass and drink... Some day I hope to share that glass.

KERRY LOUISE IS... ON THE PHONE!!

2011-12-13T21:05:00.000-08:00

14/12/2011 (7:45am)
Porn Star Kerry Louise's latest Tweet reads "I need to meet a nice man who'll treat me right"....Her profile picture is her being drenched in jizz whilst talking on her cellphone...Because nice guys always wait til you get off the phone....."

14/12/2011 (6:06PM) So I'm still thinking about Kerry Louise's profile shot on Twitter (her on the phone while being jizzed on)...I'm not even sure what this is supposed to mean? Does this mean she's so hyper busy and popular that even when she's being jizzed on she still has to take calls? Surely she could hire a secretary or you know...Call them back later... Or does this imply she's being jizzed on with such frequency she forgets her jizzing-on appointments and casually waves them in, cupping the phone with one hand as she says to an army of hard cocks: "just start without me... I've gotta take this call..Just leave the mouth alone for now but everything else is fair game..So anyway Mum as I was saying....."

SYDNEY TOUR IN FEB!

2011-12-04T15:00:00.000-08:00

SYDNEY GIGS (FEB 2012)

• MONDAY 6TH FEB COMEDY LOUNGE @ CAFE LOUNGE
• TUESDAY 7TH FEB “RIOT HOUSE” (as MC)
• WEDNESDAY 8TH FEB “COMEDY ON THE ROX"
• THURSDAY 9TH FEB “MIC IN HAND” (as MC)
• SATURDAY 11TH FEB “HAPPY ENDINGS”

"MOOCH"

2011-12-02T16:09:00.001-08:00

Why would a furniture shop choose to call themselves "Mooch"? Do they even know what the word means? Is this a shop for “mooches”? Because the brochure for the shop says they specialise in “contemporary homeware” and this doesn’t seem like the priority of a “mooch"...The street corners aren't exactly flooded with bums sitting infront of a hat full of coins holding up a cardboard sign that says “PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR SPARE CHANGE IT’D REALLY HELP...YOU SEE I’D LIKE TO BUY ONE OF THOSE DELIGHTFUL KARLSSON SUNBURST CRYSTAL WALL CLOCKS!! BETHANY AND I BOTH AGREE IT’D BE PERFECT FOR THE GUEST ROOM!”

COMEDIAN PROFILE: SEAN BEDLAM

2011-12-01T22:03:00.000-08:00

SEAN BEDLAM
Introduction by Dan Brader

Story by Sean Bedlam

The Melbourne comedy scene is constantly being flooded by a wave of newcomers and, sadly, more often than not, they’re all about getting on TV as quickly as possible and flooding your Facebook with invites to shitty gigs in backpackers. Fortunately the comedy scene in Melbourne is tough and quickly stamps out pretenders. Relative newcomer Sean Bedlam is no pretender. Bedlam’s been an artist for years (photography, sculpture, music videos) but he’s come to comedy fairly late in life. Which isn’t a bad thing because the man has lived and has experiences to speak of. Unlike the typical 21-year- old starting out, he’s not a pretty blank canvas. In a short period of time he’s made a big impact with his passionate and angry blend of comedy and astute social commentary. I’d say more but I’d rather let Sean tell you the story...

1) How it began....

I remember where I was when the Twin Towers fell: washing dishes in a filthy cafe because my life had fallen apart because I heard a Bill Hicks CD and it gave me a mental breakdown.

But it was like those terrorists were reading my mind and ever since that day my life has improved while America has reached the point it’s going to need a dish pig job to get by.

Yes, Bill Hicks. At last I had my mission. I would do stand up comedy. In the butthole! I would bring the flaming truth to an audience of consumer scum! I would....but then I had a mental breakdown and had to wash dishes for a while.

So thank fuck for 9/11. Thank you, terrorists. I really needed cheering up.

2) On crowds.....

I do family humor aimed at helping overworked families forget their troubles. Then I stab them with my mind. I was abandoned by my mother and had to visit the abyss just to survive. Did you know it’s just like shopping? I was given no guidance and shot out into a world to shame myself until I stopped caring about feelings. Now I am a fierce comedy dildo.

The customer is always wrong. Do not give the audience what they want or they will turn into a unicorn and make you ride around on their skull penis. As you stand in the spotlight, remember these people will drink your blood if they sense weakness. Also, and this is crucial, you’ve gotta get the chicks onside. Do that and you’re golden. Sure, women are stupid and read magazines about rich people, but men are barely human and best ignored completely.

3) What I’ve learned so far.....

Never, ever tell anyone you did a comedy course. I did. What a load of shit. I had to hide in a bucket of AIDS for nine years just to regain my honour. What was I thinking? I’m the guy who clowned through 18 changes of school with a father who stared at me until I fainted. I was made for this.

Here’s what I’ve learned: Assume no-one in the audience has ever read a book. Speak freely, but remember to hide your intelligence; the audience hates thinkers. All audiences are scum to be herded into the roaring flames of your ego. If you can’t face that, you should become a monk instead.

Don’t take advice from anyone. Smile, shake hands, be friendly, but remember these other comics are possibly more disturbed than you are. Never give advice; you’ll only confuse people who are actually doing comedy.

From the outside, the comedy community is an exclusive club and that’s how it’s going to stay.

Comics are more tribal than cops, with less time for civilians. We need to focus on our insanely-detailed perverted conversations. We belong and you don’t - until you get on stage and do some jokes in front of the scum.

Booze is a problem. There’s plenty of it around. Only last night I learned it’s possible to drink too much before a performance. As I stood there in the spotlight, foggily trying to remember my bits, I realised it’s time to go pro and start drinking slightly less. These are the choices of the artist and I will make that sacrifice gladly, because I need a lot of attention just to function anything like a human being..

Stand up comedy isn’t glamorous, but it’s a lot of fun, but I’m not about to tell you that, because delusional types are flooding onto the scene almost daily. Stand up comedy is fun because I keep a list of comics who shouldn’t be doing stand up. This is how the broken shit-heads of comedy feed on the needy and untalented. If you want to be silently judged and found wanting by people who are actually funny, by all means push yourself; rack up those gigs. Let your ambition be your guide. Ruin comedy for everybody. You’re a poet.

Everything I know about comedy I learned from Osama Bin Laden, but pick your own role model. I like comedy that leaves no stone unturned. The world is bad; people are blind and I want to get really drunk and dance to the tunes of Swedish pop songstress Robyn.

4) Conclusion.....

Capitalism has destroyed society and there is nothing left to do but force a new world into being by imagining the fucking shit out of it. America is over and most English-speaking people hate freedom anyway, so you’re going to be fingered at the airport sooner or later. When that happens you’ll either tell yourself hot underpaid fingers make you feel safe - or become a brain terrorist, angrily planting a sustainable herb garden in your front yard until they come to pepper spray you and bulldoze your hand-made wind turbine.

You are surrounded by people too young to understand 9/11 is hilarious. You may even suffer this age problem yourself. All I can say is there was about four minutes in 1968 when people actually believed in love. Then they were beaten by the cops and got married, raising children who get angry about Star Wars remakes.

Be all you can be. If that’s no-one that’s fine, we’ve got enough outsized egos trying it on already. I mean check out mine, for fucks sake! What happened to me? Save me Osama...

What Men Want....

2011-11-30T23:39:00.000-08:00

They say men unconsciously seek women that remind them of their mother ....So what you’re basically looking for is a younger version of Mum....If only life was like the first Back To The Future movie... But instead of travelling back in time to make sure your parents got back together you went back in time to have sex with your Mother!! BUT there's no need to be selfish...I mean, while you’re there you could go on a romantic holiday to Afghanistan, find the baby Osama Bin Laden and kill him....And...And.. If your Dad was Osama Bin Laden...Well...You'd save thousands on psychotherapy too!

New SoundCloud clips!

2011-11-29T22:06:00.002-08:00

Latest tracks by danielbrader

Gigging in Wellington

2011-11-21T19:30:00.001-08:00

NEW STAND-UP (OCT 2011)

2011-11-07T15:32:00.000-08:00

October Gig @ Dan Brader's Comedy Den

2011-10-21T00:19:00.000-07:00

Pics from Melbourne gigs

2011-10-09T14:00:00.000-07:00

Dan Brader @ Spleen, Melbourne (Oct 2011)

2011-10-04T15:12:00.001-07:00

Poster for Methven, Canterbury Gig

2011-09-29T00:16:00.001-07:00

Gigging at Spleen this Monday

2011-09-28T19:23:00.001-07:00

"Dan Brader's Comedy Den @ Refuel" September gig

2011-09-27T03:14:00.000-07:00

STAND-UP AUGUST 2011

2011-09-05T23:11:00.000-07:00

OPENING NIGHT OF NEW MONTHLY COMEDY ROOM

2011-08-08T00:26:00.001-07:00

KITE FAMILY: ROCK N' ROLL

2011-07-28T02:18:00.001-07:00

(Art by Donna Barr)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

SHORT FEATURE: “ROCK N’ ROLL”

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack and Donnie on the couch. Jack has a glass of wine in one hand. Donnie is reading a book, we can see on the cover it says “Nirvana”

PANEL TWO: Closer shot of Jack’s face, his speech bubble reads: “Why are you reading about those losers? The bloody guy who fronted that mob killed himself....What a loser...”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie looking bemused, his speech bubble reads: “Man....He was a really complex guy....I’d hardly call him a loser....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack’s smug face, his speech bubble reads: “I just finished reading a book about Warren Buffett....He’d never kill himself....Far too level headed....”

PANEL FIVE: The two of them. Jack re-filling his wine glass, Donnie putting down the book, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man you can’t compare some business tycoon to Kurt Cobain....”

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE: Tight shot of Jack looking smug, his speech bubble reads: “The other thing is in those business biographies it’s all real world stuff....Just the facts....Those music biographies on the other hand....”

PANEL TWO: Jack thumbing through the book, we can see a picture of Kurt Cobain destroying his guitar, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “It’s all myth making....About bloody ten percent of is probably true....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Elton John in his crazy seventies get-up backstage having a cup of tea and scones with his Mother. Speech bubble/caption below acting as Jack’s reads the same: “I read somewhere once that Elton John didn’t even go into the drugs and party scene....He used to have cups of tea with his Mum after the gigs...”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie looking incredulous, his speech bubble reads: “Man....Of course some of it’s exaggerated but I’m sure Elton did his fair share of hedonistic shit....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Keith Richards sitting on the couch with his Mum looking over an old photo album....Jack’s caption/speech bubble below reads: “Probably the same with Keith Richards....Probably had his Mum in after the shows and reminisced on old times....”

KITE FAMILY: "DONNIE AND MARY ANNE"

2011-07-28T02:03:00.001-07:00

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

ISSUE: "DONNIE AND MARY ANNE"

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Donnie is propped up in his bed with his headphones on as he is playing on his laptop, there’s a girl asleep beside him (Mary-Anne) she is a medium build half Japanese girl. Caption below acts as Donnie’s voice over: “So this is back when I was living overseas with my girlfriend Mary-Anne”

PANEL TWO: Tight shot of Donnie’s excited face. Caption below reads: “Here I am on a Friday night watching internet porn hoping she won’t wake up...”

PANEL THREE: Shot of the two of them...It’s obvious Donnie is wanking now. Caption below reads: “I don’t find her attractive now....In fact I haven’t for ages”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie getting out of the bed with a big wad of tissues in his hand, Mary-Ann still asleep but now she’s rolled over facing Donnie. Caption below reads: “Okay....I’ll come out with it....I was only really into her at the start of the relationship”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie in the bathroom taking a leak. The caption below reads: “Which was nearly four years ago.....”

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE: Shot of the two of them in bed, Mary-Anne has shuffled close to Donnie and has her arms around him. Caption below reads: “So why am I still with her?”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie sitting on the couch (it’s morning now)...Mary-Anne is approaching him with a breakfast she has made for the two of them. Caption below reads: “Man....Just admitting this makes me feel like shit.....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Mary-Anne looking towards Donnie (he’s out of shot) with a big happy facial expression, her speech bubble reads: “A big breakfast, for my darling! Love me?” Caption below reads: “Okay so I’D broken up with her before and the last time I thought I’d finished it for good....”

PANEL FOUR: The composition of the frame is blurry to indicate this is a flashback. We see Donnie dressed in a suit and tie he’s packing things into a box from his desk, there are co-workers looking on disapprovingly. Caption below reads: “ But then I lost my job.....I guess I lost interest ....Got too focussed on my comedy career”

PANEL FIVE: (Still in flashback) shot of Donnie opening up the cupboard and there’s next to nothing in there, he’s also dressed in T-shirt and underpants and has a healthy growth of stubble. Caption below reads: “ But you don’t make money from comedy really.....”

PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE: (Still in flashback) shot of Donnie arriving at the airport with a backpack on Mary-Anne is running towards him....Caption below reads: “Mary-Anne on the other hand....Had a good job....And best of all she lived in a place with more comedy clubs....”

PANEL TWO: (Still in flashback) Shot of Donnie on stage doing comedy to a sparsely attended show, Mary-Anne is in the front row smiling. Caption below reads: “I figured I’d eventually get my act together...Get some part time job and between that and comedy I’d have enough to go off on my own...”

PANEL THREE: (Out of flashback now) Mary-Anne is washing dishes in the sink. Caption below reads: “But it never happened....I’d keep losing day jobs and it became easier and easier to just rely on Mary-Anne....”

PANEL FOUR: Mary-Anne is leaning down to kiss Donnie on the cheek (she now has her work clothes on). Caption below reads: “ Even though I’d long since lost any sexual feelings for her....”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie lying on the couch reading a book (still in his T-shirt and underpants). Caption below reads: “ I wasn’t completely heartless and using her solely for her money I mean I did care for her...”

PAGE FOUR:

PANEL ONE: Donnie walking down the street now (sloppy outfit of old t-shirt, cap, shorts and jandals). Caption below reads: “I just didn’t feel for her like you would a girlfriend....It was more the emotion you’d have towards a cute little animal....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of a framed photo of the two of them.... Mary-Anne has her arms tightly around Donnie and she’s got a big smile on her face, Donnie looks a bit awkward like he doesn’t want to be there. Caption below reads: “I mean she was such a sweet, well meaning person and she really did love me....”

PANEL THREE: Back to Donnie now....He has a can of coke in one hand and with the other hand he’s knocking on a door of an apartment....Caption below reads: “So I’d try and think of that and think of how I had a roof over my head and someone to pay for my existence....”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie is now sitting on the couch with a friend....The TV on in the background....Donnie is thumbing through some comic books, his friend is on his lap-top....They’re talking as well....His friend’s speech bubble reads “Yeah I think those hour long Twilight Zones really stretched it....”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “There’s the odd good one but yeah it worked better as a half hour show...” (Caption below reads: “And I had a couple of comedian pals living down the road to keep my mind off it....”)

PANEL FIVE: Donnie is looking at the shelf of DVDS...Pulling one out for closer inspection...His friend is standing up and talking....Gesturing with his hands....Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Another Rod Serling show....What’s this like?”, his friend’s speech bubble reads: “Take it if you want....It’s pretty hit and miss though” (Caption below reads: “So I’d shoot shit with them during the day and watch DVDs and read comic books....”)

PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE: Split screen. Jack is on one side in his office on the phone, Donnie on the other on his cell phone, his friend in the background....Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah....Well I’ve got an interview at two anyway...”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “You’ve got to get some kind of work...Anything!” (Caption below reads: “Of course my parents supported too.....But they were getting tired of it)

PANEL TWO: Donnie is now playing a video game with his friend...His friend’s speech bubble reads: “Dude...Have you really got an interview?”....Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Of course not...I just said that to keep him off my back for a bit...”

PANEL THREE: Tight shot of Donnie’s friend....His speech bubble reads: “Dude...I can’t believe you can’t just find some shitty day job and stick to it...”

PANEL FOUR: Tight shot of Donnie’s face....His speech bubble reads: “I told you before...All I seemed to get is call centre jobs....I can’t keep that shit up for long...It’s so bad....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of the two of them playing the game still....His friend looks concerned...His speech bubble reads: “Man...You can’t keep mooching off your folks and Mary-Anne...It’s not healthy....You’re nearly 30....”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “I might try get back into advertising....I dunno....But maybe I’ve burnt all my bridges there....”

PAGE SIX

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie and his friend....His friend is stretching....Donnie is beside the door....His friend’s speech bubble reads: “I better get some rest....Work raped me today....”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Sure....Might come past tomorrow...You’ve got the day off right?”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie sitting on the train writing in a small notebook...Caption below reads: “When I first moved here I’d go to comedy every single night....Even when I wasn’t on....”

PANEL THREE: Donnie getting out of the train...Caption below reads: “By this stage I was only going when I was performing....And even then I wasn’t really keen on being there...”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie is sitting on the side of the stage on a couch with a couple of other guys who are writing on their hands and in notebooks. Caption below reads: “I guess by now it’d caught up on me...How dire my situation was....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of a comedian on stage performing to a sparsely attended audience...It’s clear some people are talking and texting and generally not paying attention. Caption below reads: “So many of these gigs were in backpackers or dive bars....You’d get a drink voucher at best for performing...”

PAGE SEVEN

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie walking up to the stage...The MC is gesturing with his hands as he’s introducing Donnie...His speech bubble reads: “Put your hands together for Donnie Kite!” Caption below reads: “I wasn’t a money driven performer but with comedy being my only personal source of income it was a little depressing to say the least....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie standing on a street corner handing out flyers to disinterested people....We can see chalkboard beside him that reads “DONNIE KITE’S COMEDY DEN TONIGHT 8PM! $5” Caption below reads: “I had my own little comedy club....It did alright but it was only pocket money...”

PANEL THREE: Donnie and Mary-Anne are sitting on a couch counting money from a basket...Mary-Anne’s speech bubble reads: “I’ve got twenty five dollars in notes...”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Fifteen dollars in coins...”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie and Mary-Anne are lying in bed together...Mary-Anne’s speech bubble reads: “I really think...I love you...But you need to get a real job...”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah...I’ll try get back into advertising again...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie rolled over (Mary-Anne not pictured) he has a worried facial expression. Caption below reads: “But the truth was I’d long since burnt that bridge...”

PAGE EIGHT

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie in his T-Shirt and underpants in the kitchen pouring himself a glass of water. Caption below reads: “I wasn’t interested in advertising anyway....I’d lost my passion for comedy.....I didn’t know what I wanted to do...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie in the lounge room with the lap-top on his lap...There’s a speech bubble coming from the computer that reads “FUCK THAT PUSSY...YEAH FUCK IT!’ Caption below reads: “All I felt like doing really was watching nasty internet porn....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Mary-Anne walking into the lounge in her T-shirt and underpants.....Donnie is pulling the headphones out of his ears to talk to her. Her speech bubble reads: “What are you doing baby?”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “I couldn’t sleep...Just watching some comedy clips...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie at a bar talking to a cute blonde girl. Caption below reads: “I was just sticking to porn then...All the cheating wasn’t worth it....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie lying in bed with the blonde girl, she’s looking a photo of Donnie and Mary-Anne on the bedside table....Her speech bubble reads: “What....You’ve got a girlfriend...”, Donnie looks bored “Relax...She’s away for the weekend with some friends....”

PAGE NINE

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie picking up hairs from off the bed....Caption below reads: “The next morning I’d always feel so fucking bad.....I’d panic like crazy as I tried to get rid of all the evidence...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie in another bar he’s looking over at a cute brunette girl....There’s a thought bubble above his head that reads “She’s a brunette....I wouldn’t have to worry about hairs in the bed with her....” (Caption below reads: “But I’d still find ways to justify further one night stands....”

PANEL THREE Shot of the girl with her head on Donnie’s chest.....Her speech bubble reads: “I guess I can tell you....You don’t seem judgemental....I’m a stripper....”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Really that’s pretty cool....”

PANEL FOUR: Back to Donnie lying in bed with Mary-Anne who is cuddled close to him....Her speech bubble reads: “Love me forever and ever!”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah....Of course...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie throwing his hands up in the air and looking guilty....Mary-Anne is in tears as she has a pair of panties in her hand....Her speech bubble reads: “You bought some fucking slut into our bed! How could you!”....Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “I was drunk....It was ages ago....We were fighting and....” (Caption below reads: “She’d caught me before of course but she always forgave me....)

PAGE TEN

PANEL ONE: Donnie taking off Mary-Anne’s T-Shirt....Caption below reads: “But now she never went away on weekends and she’d ring and text me at the comedy all the time....So I didn’t even bother to try and cheat....”

PANEL TWO: Donnie rolling back over...Mary-Anne putting her T-Shirt back on....Caption below reads: “But man...I didn’t even want to have sex with her anymore....” Mary-Anne’s speech bubble reads: “Don’t you find me attractive anymore?” Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “It’s not that...It’s just....I dunno....”

PANEL THREE: Donnie is in bed half awake....Mary-Anne is approaching him she has a phonebook in her hand....Her speech bubble reads: “There are all sorts of relationship counsellors we could talk to baby and....”

PANEL FOUR: Closer shot of Donnie scratching the back of his head, looking awkward...His speech bubble reads: “Yeah...I don’t wanna do that....It’s just a weird phase....We’ll start having sex again soon and...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Mary-Anne looking pissed off with her arms folded....Her speech bubble reads: “You just want to watch porn or having sex with bloody sluts! You don’t care about this relationship!”

PAGE ELEVEN

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie with his hands in the air a pleading facial expression, his speech bubble reads: “Man....That’s not true....I love you it’s just....I...Look...” (Caption below reads: “Of course it was true....)

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie lying in bed alone by himself, we can see the clock beside him reads “1pm”...There’s a speech bubble above his head that reads “God...There’s no way out of this....I don’t have any money....I’m not staying on a friends couch with no guarantee I’ll get a job anytime soon and even then I’d have to save money for a bond on a new place and....”

PANEL THREE: Closer shot of Donnie still in bed, his hands running through his hair.....Speech bubble above his head reads: “She’s crazy too wherever I go she’ll follow me....Keep calling me and I’ll just go back because she’s got money and it’s comfortable and....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of taken from above the ceiling looking down on Donnie in the bed as he stares at the ceiling. Thought bubble above his head reads “I’m fucked.....Well and truly fucked....Comedy is taking me nowhere....I can’t even write any jokes anymore....I just....Fuck....Fuck...I hate this”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie pulling the blankets back over himself

PAGE TWELVE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie getting money out of the ATM

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie walking down the street....Caption below reads:
“This is pathetic....Once I’ve given Mary-Anne the rent money I’ve got next to nothing left....But I said to myself I’d ask for less each week from the parents and...”

PANEL THREE: Tight shot of Donnie’s depressed face....Caption below reads: “So I’m just living until the weekends with Mary-Anne when she can spend money on me...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie and Mary-Anne walking down the street....They are both carrying shopping bags....Donnie looks withdrawn and depressed...Mary-Anne is still bouncy....Her speech bubble reads: “You looked so handsome in the new jacket baby! I can’t wait until winter when you can wear it!”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie’s face...He’s looking down at his feet....Speech bubble reads: “Yeah....Yeah...I hate winter but thanks it’s nice...”

PAGE THIRTEEN

PANEL ONE: Shot of Mary-Anne’s face she looks chipper still...Her speech bubble reads: “It’s good to shop for winter clothes in the summer because they’re much cheaper....My parents always...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie’s bored/depressed face....Speech bubble in the background (Mary-Anne) reads “ Baby....When we get home....Do you want to....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie scratching the back of his head looking awkward....His speech bubble reads: “Yeah...I don’t think so...I don’t feel like...Maybe...I don’t like forcing it....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Mary-Anne’s face she looks in a frump now

PANEL FIVE: Shot of the two of them walking along in silence

PAGE FOURTEEN

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie turned to the right as he speaks...Speech bubble reads: “Hey could we get something nice for dinner...Like at that gourmet supermarket....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Mary-Anne’s hands tightly clenched around the shopping bag....Speech bubble reads (Donnie): “I was thinking those amazing
sausages they do....And some nice cheeses....”

PANEL THREE: Tight shot of Mary-Anne’s face....Her speech bubble reads: “You never want to have sex with me!! You don’t think I’m pretty do you! Do you! Answer me!”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie looking a bit shocked his hands in the air in defence....His speech bubble reads: “It’s not that....It’s.....Look my moods lately are all weird and....”

PANEL FIVE: Tight shot of her face....Her speech bubble reads “But you can look at porn all day! I saw the internet history for the last week....You look at porn everyday!!”

PAGE FIFTEEN

PANEL ONE: Donnie shrugging his shoulders....His speech bubble reads: Man....Calm down that’s different....I mean those girls....I mean it’s....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of the two of them.....She is really in Donnie’s face now....Her speech bubble reads “Those girls.....What....What! You think they’re sexier than me!!”...Donnie’s speech bubble reads “It’s just....It’s different”

PANEL THREE: Mary-Anne is hitting Donnie now...He is trying to pushing her off....There are people in the background watching/looking alarmed....

PANEL FOUR: Tight shot of Mary-Anne’s crazy face...Her speech bubble reads: “I DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU!I PAY FOR EVERYTHING AND! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of the two of them Donnie is awkwardly trying to put his arm around Mary-Anne who is in tears now....His speech bubble reads: “Jesus calm down....I’m sorry....I know I’m useless....”

PAGE SIXTEEN

PANEL ONE: The two of them walking along

PANEL TWO: The two of them from behind walking....Donnie now with his arm around her

PANEL THREE: The two of them....Mary-Anne looking up at Donnie....Her speech bubble reads: “I didn’t mean what I said....Do you still love me? I love you...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie awkwardly humping Mary-Anne from behind...He doesn’t look into it at all...Her speech bubble reads: “You’re so good baby....So good...It feels so....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Mary-Anne wiping her breasts with a tissue....Her speech bubble reads “Did you enjoy it? I came twice baby....Twice!”

PAGE SEVENTEEN

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie reaching for a T-shirt on the floor....His speech bubble reads: “Yeah of course....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie lying in bed staring at the ceiling....Mary-Anne is cuddled tightly around him with her eyes closed.

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie on the train writing in a notebook

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie scribbling out a line in his notebook

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie putting the notebook away...A worn out expression on his face

PAGE EIGHTEEN

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie on the phone in the train....His speech bubble reads: “Yeah I’m sorry...I know it’s short notice but I just....I feel a bit sick and....Can you get someone else to perform?”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie lying back in bed

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie’s worried face...We can see a tear running down his cheek

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie in a playground on his cellphone...He looks frantic....His speech bubble reads “I don’t know...Just feel so down and so scattered and so...I’ll start crying and I don’t want to do anything and....”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie is seated now, in the playground still...Still on the phone...
.His speech bubble reads: “ Maybe it’s a phase I don’t know...But I just don’t feel
the will to....I could come home...I don’t if that’d...Like just a holiday...Or....”

PAGE SEVENTEEN

PANEL ONE: Donnie seated on a plane staring out the window

PANEL TWO: Shot of the clouds outside the plane window

PANEL THREE: Donnie still staring outside

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie now looking to his right....There’s a hand on his hand...It’s Mary-Anne’s....Speech bubble reads “Baby....Baby?”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie’s face...He looks like he’s just been broken out of a trance his speech bubble reads “What?”

PAGE EIGHTEEN

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie and Mary-Anne walking down a street of a small town....Dorothy is with them in the middle....Mary-Anne’s speech bubble reads “And then we can go on a bush walk and then maybe we can go to the puzzle world place and then...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Mary-Anne’s bouncy happy face...Her speech bubble reads: “The air is so nice here...What a lovely day!”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie walking off...Leaving the two of them....His speech bubble reads: “I’m just going to find a toilet...Be back in a second...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie in a stall in a bathroom....He’s looking in a mirror....Caption below reads “God...I can’t handle this.....How am I ever going to....I didn’t even ask her to come and she...”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie is still looking in the mirror....We can see his phone on the sink beside him is vibrating

PAGE NINETEEN

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie’s phone close up it reads ‘TEXT FROM MARY-ANNE: “BABY...I LOVE YOU!”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie lying in bed with Mary-Anne. Her speech bubble reads “Maybe we could move here? We could live with you parents...It’s a really big house and....”

PANEL THREE: Tighter shot of Mary-Anne’s face as she speaks...Her speech bubble reads “I could get a job at the hospital here and we could go for bush walks and we’d save so much money and...”

PANEL FOUR: The two of them again, Donnie looks unconvinced, Mary-Anne still enthusiastic...Her speech bubble reads “You need a break from comedy and I need to save more money...Then we could go overseas for a trip maybe and then...”

PANEL FIVE: Tight shot of Donnie’s worried face, his speech bubble reads “Yeah...I dunno....Maybe....I need to be by myself for a while you know...Get my head straight....”

PAGE TWENTY

PANEL ONE: Donnie again trying to explain, still looking worried, his speech bubble reads “My Mum thinks I should see a doctor....Maybe I’ve got depression or something and....”

PANEL TWO: Mary-Anne has rolled over and has her arms folded, her speech bubble reads: “You just want to break up with me and....You just want to fuck your whores again!!”

PANEL THREE: Donnie trying to calm Mary-Anne down, his speech bubble reads “Jesus...I can barely get out of bed these days I’m not trying to....”, her speech bubble reads “You don’t love me! You’ve never loved me! “

PANEL FOUR: Donnie getting out of the bed, Mary-Anne is looking worried now....Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man I can’t handle this....I’m the one whose depressed and you come back to this shit...”, her speech bubble reads “Baby where are you going? Come back....”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie crawling back into bed...Mary-Anne is moving in to cuddle him...Her speech bubble reads “I’m sorry...I’m just paranoid you don’t want me....I know you’re depressed and I want you to get better....”

PAGE TWENTY ONE

PANEL ONE: Larger panel. Shot of Donnie sitting in a Doctor’s office, the doctor is gesturing with his hands his speech bubble reads “All the stress and guilt you’ve been going through has just reached breaking point....Taking Prozac will make things
easier but you need to get your life back on track...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie and Mary-Anne walking through the park...Donnie’s speech bubble reads “He just said I need to start making changes....Take the stress out of my life for a bit....He thought moving back home for a bit was a good idea...”, Mary-Anne’s speech bubble reads “Maybe...You can move here and after a month or so I can move too?”

PANEL THREE: They are now seated on a park bench and Donnie is gesturing with his hands as she listens. His speech bubble reads “Yeah...I guess...I think I just need to focus on myself for a while...I mean we can talk on the phone and email and...”

PANEL FOUR: Similar shot, Mary-Anne looks worried, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “You’ll be able to save money too...Like you move in with your Mum or something too...”

PANEL FIVE: Tight shot of Mary-Anne’s face...Her speech bubble reads “So we will stay together? We won’t break up?”

PAGE TWENTY TWO

PANEL ONE: Donnie looking awkward scratching the back of his head, Mary-Anne looking intensely at him, his speech bubble reads: “No....Of course not...Like you’ll come here eventually and...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie walking along with Dorothy, his speech bubble reads “Man...I just....I can’t make myself break up with her....Whenever I’ve done it in the past it’s such a fucking scene...”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads “I know...I can imagine...Look when she goes back you can just do it over the phone...”

PANEL THREE: Tight shot of Donnie’s worried face, his speech bubble reads: “God...I’ve been such a piece of shit to her...Cheated on her so many times....Basically just been using her and now I’m gunna dump her the minute she goes back home...”

PANEL FOUR: Dorothy consoling Donnie, her speech bubble reads “It’s for the best...It’ll hurt her to begin with but you need to finally end it for good...”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie gesturing with his hands to Dorothy his speech bubble reads “Yeah...I know...I know...”

PAGE TWENTY THREE

PANEL ONE: Jack, Dorothy, Donnie and Mary-Anne are all having dinner. Donnie’s speech bubble reads “I just think...I have to go back even if just to say goodbye...I can’t do that to my friends..”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads “But the Doctor thinks you should just take it easy...Mary-Anne can post you the things you need and..”

PANEL TWO: Mary Anne, Dorothy and Donnie in shot, Mary-Anne’s speech bubble reads: “And I can bring the rest when I come and live with you here!”, Dorothy and Donnie are subtly exchanging a knowing glance to one another

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack who looks annoyed....His speech bubble reads “So I’m just supposed to finance another trip there and back am I?”

PANEL FOUR: Dorothy looking miffed, her speech bubble reads “Bloody hell...He’s been through a lot...If he wants to say goodbye to his friends then...”

PANEL FIVE: Jack gesturing with his hands, his speech bubble reads “Christ a second ago you didn’t like the going back idea either but now...”

PAGE TWENTY FOUR

PANEL ONE: Donnie, his speech bubble reads “Man...If you two are gunna start again I’m going upstairs...Look I really wanna say goodbye to my friends it’s so abrupt otherwise ..Please...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie, Mary-Anne and Jack and Dorothy all at the airport....Dorothy has bags in her hands as well as Donnie and Mary-Anne....Jack’s speech bubble reads “Christ...I can’t believe this...Now I’m paying for Dorothy’s flights and a hotel for a week...Jesus”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Dorothy looking miffed, her speech bubble reads: “Bloody hell it’s important! I’ll feel better being with Donnie and so will you....It’s only bloody money!”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack leaning in to Donnie, his speech bubble reads “Yeah...Yeah...Look I want you to get better and if having your Mother there makes you feel safer then...”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie looking awkward, his speech bubble reads “Man...It’s just the way I feel lately...I know it’s pathetic but...I’m sorry...”

PAGE TWENTY FIVE

PANEL ONE: Jack and Donnie, Jack with his hand on Donnie’s shoulder, his speech bubble reads “Don’t be sorry Donnie...Your Mother’s right...It’s only money..”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie lying in bed again...Looking depressed. Caption below reads “Initially the idea I was going back home made me feel even worse...”

PANEL THREE: Donnie taking a Prozac pill with water...Caption below reads: “The pills helped a little I guess but yeah I just felt like this was the beginning of the end...”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie lying on the couch reading a comic book, he’s still in his underpants and T-shirt...Caption below reads: “I didn’t book any gigs for my last week in town...I’d just do a small set at my own room...”

PANEL FIVE: Dorothy sitting outside her hotel room on the veranda smoking a cigarette whilst on the phone, her speech bubble reads “He hasn’t come to the hotel yet....I’ve rung three times...I’ll try again though....He should just stay here for the week but bloody Mary-Anne.....”

PAGE TWENTY SIX

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie walking along with Dorothy through the main centre of the busy city...Caption below reads “When I finally got motivated to leave the house I’d
spend the days with my Mum...Showing her around the city...”

PANEL TWO: Donnie scratching his head and Dorothy looking worried, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Man...I could have sworn it was here...Maybe it’s the next street...” Caption below reads “But the truth wasn’t I was distracted and scattered I kept forgetting the most basic stuff...”

PANEL THREE: Donnie sitting down at a park bench with his head in his hands, Dorothy comforting him, his speech bubble reads “Jesus...I can’t handle this....I feel so pathetic...I’m nearly 30 and you’re here looking after me....And I keep getting lost and...Fuck...”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie lying on the hotel bed....Dorothy is approaching him with a glass of juice...Her speech bubble reads “You just need to do the bare minimum for a while...If you need to just lie down then just do it....This is about you...Not me seeing the city...”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie getting up to drink from his juice....His speech bubble reads “I know...Thanks...I just can’t stop my mind from thinking...And everything I think is....This is the end...My life is over...”

PAGE TWENTY SEVEN

PANEL ONE: Dorothy comforting Donnie, her speech bubble reads “A big part of this is Mary-Anne...You haven’t been happy with her for a long time....Once you’ve broken away from her...That will help so much...”

PANEL TWO: The two of them again....Donnie’s speech bubble reads “I guess...But what am I going to do with my life? There’s no comedy clubs back home....I don’t even know if I want to do comedy anymore and....I can’t get back into advertising and...”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads “Let’s just take it one day at a time...Relax...Just focus on the small things first...Okay...”

PANEL THREE: Donnie staring at the ceiling....

PANEL FOUR: Donnie looking worried on the bed as he turns on his side

PANEL FIVE: Donnie looking like he has an idea

PAGE TWENTY EIGHT

PANEL ONE: Donnie is typing away on Dorothy’s laptop....

PANEL TWO: Donnie typing again, close-up of his fingers

PANEL THREE: Dorothy approaching Donnie, her hands on his shoulders...Her speech bubble reads “You’ve been typing away there for two hours now....What are you doing?”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie turning to Dorothy...His speech bubble reads “Writing....Just got some ideas all of a sudden....”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie typing away.....

PANEL SIX: A slight smile on Donnie’s face as he reads from the computer screen.....

KITE FAMILY: ONE MAN CHEERING SQUAD

2011-07-20T01:32:00.000-07:00

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

EPISODE: ONE MAN CHEERING SQUAD

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Jack is sitting at a cafe reading a newspaper, there’s a cup of coffee on the table next to him. There’s a speech bubble coming from off screen that reads “Dude...I doubt I can make it...I’ve got to take my sports car into the shop for repairs....”

PANEL TWO: Tighter shot of Jack’s disapproving face. There’s a caption below that acts as his voice over it reads: “Christ....That’s bloody Brent....I hope he doesn’t notice me....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Brent sitting at cafe table, he has on a fancy shirt which is unbuttoned. Underneath he’s wearing a black singlet and gold chains around his neck. He is quite a muscular guy in his mid twenties but it’s obvious from his hands and face he is slightly deformed as result of being born premature. His speech bubble reads: “Dude....Did I tell you I bought a new apartment?”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack looking off screen, a more sympathetic facial expression. Caption below reads: “I feel sorry for the guy....It must be difficult for him but I can’t handle all his bloody lies...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack walking out the door looking annoyed that he’s been noticed, we can see Brent standing up at his table, still on the phone, his speech bubble reads “Mr. Kite! How are you?”

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE: Jack now sitting at the table with Brent....Brent is gesturing with his hands....Jack looks awkward....Brent’s speech bubble reads: “So I broke up with Cindy....The model....And so many girls are after me now but I just want my space you know?”. Caption below reads: “I don’t know why Donnie befriended this guy....Now every time I see him I have to listen to this crap...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Brent on an airplane he’s drinking a glass of champagne...There’s an air stewardess approaching him, her speech bubble reads: “What are you celebrating?”, Brent’s speech bubble reads: “Every day for me is a celebration!”. Caption below reads: “They were friends overseas....Brent gets wind Donnie’s moved back home and then coincidentally gets a job here too...”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Brent looking a bit melancholy sitting on the edge of his bed he’s patting a dog. Caption below reads: “The poor guy’s only got his Mum and his dog to keep him company I suppose....Donnie’s his only real friend...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie talking to a weird looking homeless man who has a push bike beside him and a big bag of cans, the homeless guy’s speech bubble reads “Yeaaaah and then I fell off me pushy and...” and Jack in the background gesturing for Donnie to move on, caption below reads: “Bloody Donnie has a habit of befriending outsiders and weirdoes....He gets a kick out of their antics I guess...”

PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE: Shot of Brent sitting at the cafe now by himself, there’s a cup of coffee in front of him.

PANEL TWO: Shot of Brent playing with his phone

PANEL THREE: The waitress approaching Brent, her speech bubble reads “How is everything? Would you like anything else?”, Brent’s speech bubble reads: “Actually I wouldn’t mind another coffee....”

PANEL FOUR: The waitress with her hand on her hips, smiling at Brent. Brent is half way through a speech, his speech bubble reads: “So I’ve moved here because of my job in advertising....It’s really high paying stuff....Company car....The works...”

PANEL FIVE: Closer shot of the waitress who looks a bit sceptical, her speech bubble reads: “There’s an advertising agency in Laketown? I thought it’d be too small?”

PAGE FOUR:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Brent who looks a little bit caught off guard, his speech bubble reads: “Yeah....Well my office isn’t actually here... It’s up the road in Dunstone but I like this place so I bought a property here...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of the waitress going to walk off, her speech bubble reads: “Dunstone! That’s a long commute!”

PANEL THREE: Shot of the face of Brent’s phone it reads “CALLING MUM”....His speech bubble on corner of the screen reads “That’s cool I’ve got a conference call to take anyway...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie lying on the bed on the phone, his speech bubble reads: “Eh? Why do I need to put on a nice shirt?”, speech bubble from the phone reads: “Just get dressed and come down here dude....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie walking along....He’s got a nice shirt on and dress pants and shoes....Caption below acts as his voiceover it reads: “Man....Brent’s a bit nuts....Probably wants to pretend we’re having a business meeting or something....”

PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE: Brent is sitting at the table on the phone, there’s now a bottle of champagne in front of him, Donnie is approaching the table looking a bit bemused, Brent is gesturing for him to sit down...

PANEL TWO: Brent putting his phone away, Donnie looking at the menu and pointing at the bottle of the champagne, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man it’s lunchtime....What’s with the bottle of champagne?”, Brent’s speech bubble reads: “Sorry about that dude was just on a conference call...”

PANEL THREE: Brent moving in to Donnie, he’s whispering....Brent’s speech bubble reads: “Dude....Just go along with it....This waitress thinks I’m having a big time business lunch with you....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie looking a bit bemused....His speech bubble reads: “How come you’re not at the new job anyway?”, Brent’s speech bubble reads: “Dude....I was....They’re so cruisy....They’re fine with me just emailing a lot of the work in....I told them I was out sourcing new clients too...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of the waitress approaching the table.....Her speech bubble reads “What can I get you?”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Me? I’ll just have a garlic bread I think....”, Brent’s speech bubble reads: “Dude....Aren’t you going to have lunch? Celebrate the business deal? C’mon!”

PAGE SIX

PANEL ONE: Donnie scratching the back of his head, his speech bubble reads: “Aw I would but I’m a bit broke til pay day...”, Brent’s speech bubble reads “Dude who comes to a restaurant and orders garlic bread...That’s weird...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Brent smiling with the champagne glass in his hand, his speech bubble reads “ It’s a good thing I look after my money....I told you dude you should invest your cash...”

PANEL THREE: Both of them, Donnie looking a bit annoyed, Brent looking a bit smug....Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man....What the hell.....I told you I didn’t have any money...”, Brent’s speech bubble reads “Dude....You should have said you needed more time to look over the menu or something....You nearly killed the vibe!”

PANEL FOUR: Brent looking at the menu, Donnie fiddling with his phone

PANEL FIVE: Brent and Donnie. Brent looking a bit more serious, Donnie looking a shade awkward. Brent’s speech bubble reads: “So....Living with the parents....Still not working right?”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “I’m writing a comic book and writing for some online sites but yeah basically...Living off the folks and the benefit”

PAGE SEVEN

PANEL ONE: Shot of Brent looking a bit superior, his speech bubble reads: “I don’t know why you got out of advertising dude....If you hadn’t burnt all your bridges there you could be earning big coin like me...”

PANEL TWO: Donnie looking a bit sceptical, his speech bubble reads: “Man....I can’t imagine you’d get much money from a joint in Dunstone....I’m surprised they even have an ad agency...”

PANEL THREE: Brent re-filling his champagne glass....His speech bubble reads: “Dude....There’s no need to be jealous....I’ll put a word in for you....See if I can get you some work there...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie walking along, he looks a bit miffed as he’s kicking a can along. Caption below reads: “Man that guy can be a jerk....I know he’s just insecure and needs to feel superior to me but man I could so easily pull apart all his lies....But then I’d be the bad guy...”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie’s face thinking, his caption below reads: “I don’t even know why I’m friends with him....I guess I feel sorry for him but if I be honest....Man...It’s not like I know anybody else in this town...”

PAGE EIGHT

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie, Jack and Dorothy at the dining table. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Christ...I ran into that half-wit Brent....I wonder if he’s the full quid....Was going on about having a model for an ex girlfriend....Christ...”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah I had lunch with him too...I don’t even think this Dunstone job even exists....He’s never at the office...”

PANEL TWO: Tight shot of Jack, his speech bubble reads: “Of course it doesn’t exist....The poor bugger only moved here because you moved here....You’re the only one who tolerates him....It’s a nice thing you’re doing there I suppose....”

PANEL THREE: Shot Donnie and Jack. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I suppose he’s got no one else...You’ve recognised that and stayed friends with him despite all his bullshit....”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “I don’t know....I’m kind of over him....He was trying to act all superior around me at lunch....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack in the kitchen pouring himself a glass of wine, his speech bubble reads: “Of course he’s going to do that....It’s his whole personality....He always has to have this unbelievably good life in order to compensate for the way he looks...It’s quite sad....”

PANEL FIVE: Jack sitting down, his speech bubble reads: “Of course if he just acted normally nobody would think anything of his disability....It’s all the lies and carry on that get him in trouble not the way he looks....Poor bugger...”

PAGE NINE:

PANEL ONE: Larger panel. Shot of Brent sitting on a chair in his tiny apartment patting his dog, he’s on the phone...His speech bubble reads: “The thing is Mum....I don’t think he knows that sometimes it’s just about keeping appearances...I mean who admits they don’t have money at a restaurant? It’s just basic fundamentals....I really think that waitress has a thing for me too....But it’s like do I want to get into another relationship....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack with glass of wine in his hand....His speech bubble reads: “But he’s like some sort of gross caricature of a “successful person”.....Every word that comes out of his mouth is some sort of boast.....He’s like a bloody one man cheering squad.....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack with a dismissive facial expression, his speech bubble reads: “....For a team that not only isn’t playing.....But doesn’t even exist....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Brent at home looking in the mirror he’s posing his biceps....He does have quite a muscular physique despite the obvious fact his body is somewhat deformed...

PAGE TEN

PANEL ONE: Donnie is now sitting on the couch drinking a beer, he looks amused....His speech bubble reads: “Man....Did I ever tell you about that party Brent went to? It was some themed party....And he got this bronzer and coated his whole body and wore nothing but a pair of speedos and bow tie....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Brent at the party dressed in just the bow tie and speedos, people are awkwardly standing around him, there’s a speech bubble/caption below acting as Jack’s: “Christ.....I really wonder if he is totally with us mentally....The bloody guy’s just drawing attention to his deformity....It’s like he wants to be mocked...”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie who looks amused, his speech bubble reads: “I guess he does put all that work in at the gym and....But yeah it’s a bit extreme....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack with the wine glass held up to his face....His speech bubble reads: “I mean I think it’s excellent he keeps physically fit but....Christ....Who does that sort of thing?”

PANEL FIVE: Jack re-filling his wine glass, his speech bubble reads: “Christ...I don’t want to sit here and talk about Brent....I feel mean poking fun at the poor guy...”

PAGE ELEVEN:

PANEL ONE: Donnie looking a bit amused at Jack’s comment, his speech bubble reads: “Man...You said before he’s like a one man cheering squad for....”

PANEL TWO: Jack’s dismissive facial expression, he’s waving Donnie away with his hands, his speech bubble reads: “I know what I said....And I meant what I said but....Christ....The poor guy probably bloody cries himself to sleep some nights....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie’s phone ringing....We can see on the screen it reads “BRENT CALLING”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack scratching the back of his head trying to look casual....His speech bubble reads: “Put him on the speaker....If you want....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie looking amused

PAGE TWELVE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Brent sitting at the same cafe as the day before reading the newspaper.

PANEL TWO: The waitress from before approaching Brent who is looking up and gesturing with his hands. Her speech bubble reads: “Back again....You’re not in the office much!”, Brent’s speech bubble reads “Yeah....I do a lot of work from home and, ahh, sourcing some clients from the area...”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Brent eating his meal

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Brent drinking a coffee

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Brent texting

PAGE THIRTEEN:

PANEL ONE: Brent sitting on the couch in his tiny apartment on the phone, his speech bubble reads: “It’s like....I want to ring Donnie....But I have to keep up the appearance I have the job and....I’m just getting bored Mum”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Brent’s Mum washing the dishes, on the phone, her speech bubble reads: “I told you dear you should ask that waitress out....Sounds like she likes you....”

PANEL THREE: Closer shot of Brent, he’s scratching the back of his head and looks unsure of himself, his speech bubble reads: “Yeah....I guess....I don’t know....Do you think it was a good idea moving here?”

PANEL FOUR: Closer shot of Brent’s Mum...Her speech bubble reads: “Look dear....We’re happy to keep paying for you until you can find work....And you can come home anytime you want....You can just say you got a job over here....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Brent sitting on the couch at his place. Donnie now seated beside him. Brent’s speech bubble reads: “So I bought a place here as well.....I mean if you’ve got cash to spend then why not!”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Yeah I guess....”

PAGE FOURTEEN:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie looking excited as he gestures with his hands, his speech bubble reads: “Did I tell you....The comic book is getting really good feedback...Got some interest from publishers now...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Brent with his arms folded, his speech bubble reads: “But the thing is dude....Can you really make much money in that game? You’ve really got to get a proper job...”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie looking a shade awkward standing now, gesturing with his hands, his speech bubble reads: “Yeah....I mean I am looking for something....But I’m not passionate about anything other than writing and comedy.....If I get something it’ll just be a means to an end...”

PANEL FOUR: Brent with his house keys in his hand looking superior, his speech
bubble reads: “Dude...I hear what you’re saying but sometimes you just have to say....Do I want to keep living like this in my thirties....I mean don’t you want a place of your own?”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie looking frustrated, his speech bubble reads: “Aw man....I didn’t want to say this but....I know you don’t own this place....And I bet your parents pay the rent and....”

PAGE FIFTEEN

PANEL ONE: Brent standing up gesturing with his hands, his speech bubble reads: “Dude! Just because you’re life isn’t working out don’t try and bring me down! I own this place and you....”

PANEL TWO: Donnie with his hands in the air and rolling his eyes, his speech bubble reads: “Yeah....Yeah....And you used to date a supermodel who none of his ever met and....”

PANEL THREE: Brent looking a bit flustered now, gesturing with his hands, his speech bubble reads: “Dude she was always busy on fashion shoots and parties and...I barely saw her myself!”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie, seated now, looking more sympathetic, his speech bubble reads: “Man...I don’t want to embarrass your anything....But we’ve known each other for a while now....You don’t need to feed me all this bullshit....Just tell the truth....Man...”

PANEL FIVE: Brent looking extra flustered, his speech bubble reads: “Dude! It is the truth! You’re just like the rest....People are jealous of me and they can’t believe that my life could be so good but it is!”

PAGE SIXTEEN:

PANEL ONE: Donnie heading for the door, his speech bubble reads: “Yeah....Right....Anyway....I’m off...”

PANEL TWO: Brent on the phone to his Mum, he’s gesturing with his free hand, his speech bubble reads: “I just really want to stick it up Mum! I can’t believe he said that!”

PANEL THREE: Brent’s Mum looking annoyed, her speech bubble reads: “Listen....Your Father and I can buy that apartment....And we’ll put your name on it and then....”

PANEL FOUR: Brent gesturing, looking a bit annoyed, his speech bubble reads: “Mum you don’t have to do that....But get this....He was trying to say I made up Cindy too!”

PANEL FIVE: Brent’s Mum looking really irate now....Her speech bubble reads: “Listen...We’ll show him....Now listen....”

PAGE SEVENTEEN

PANEL ONE: Shot of Brent outside a car rental agency

PANEL TWO: Shot of Brent driving along in a flash sports car with a tarty looking girl, that’s obviously a prostitute beside him

PANEL THREE: Brent sitting at that cafe with the prostitute...The waitress approaching....Brent’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah G’day....So I brought my girlfriend Cindy along today....She’s a top model and...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie about to sit down at their table

PANEL FIVE: Shot of the three of them....Brent is gesturing away and talking....His speech bubble reads: “And Donnie was saying you didn’t exist....Here she is dude! She cancelled a photo shoot to be here and...”, we can see Cindy pouring alcohol from a hip flask into her coffee

PAGE EIGHTEEN

PANEL ONE: Shot of Brent approaching the sports car with Cindy, Donnie looking a bit bemused beside them. Brent’s speech bubble reads: “Anyway dude....We’ve got an exclusive party to go to so we better get...What do you think of my ride? Just got it back from the shop....”

PANEL TWO: Larger panel. Shot of Brent speeding away, as Donnie looks on somewhat bemused.....

KITE FAMILY SHORT FEATURE: 'JACK'S REVENGE'

2011-07-05T03:12:00.000-07:00

ARTWORK BY Gonzalo Navarro

"THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY"

SHORT FEATURE

'JACK'S REVENGE'

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack sitting at his office with his glasses on looking at a comic book, he’s also on the phone. His speech bubble reads: “Christ.....I can’t believe this...”, speech from the phone reads “Man...Lighten up....”

PANEL TWO: Tighter shot of Jack’s irritated face, still on the phone, his speech bubble reads: “Why couldn’t you write something nice about me? Anyone reading this would think I was a bloody grouch! Christ I’ve supported you in everything you’ve ever done!”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie lying (on the phone) on his bed, rolling his eyes, his speech bubble reads: “Man...You don’t get it....It wouldn’t be very funny if I showed a bunch of sincere moments it’s not supposed to....”, speech bubble from the phone reads: “At least it doesn’t look like me.... This joker’s got a fat stomach...”

PANEL FOUR: Larger panel. Shot of the comic book with the real Jack’s thumb on the corner to indicate he’s looking at it, we see well drawn panel of a much fatter Jack with big glasses sitting at a restaurant with Donnie. The cartoon Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Christ! Order the most expensive item on the menu then! Jesus!”. There’s a caption below (the real Jack) which reads: “I guess the artwork’s good but I don’t see why you can’t write about someone else...”

PAGE TWO:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack pouring himself a glass of wine, we can see Dorothy beside him looking at the comic. Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “Oh bloody hell....He makes fools out of us in every scene!”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I know! I guess the saving grace is nobody will read the bloody thing....”

PANEL TWO: The two of them sitting down at the dinner table, over dinner. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I’m pleased he’s doing something but...I don’t see why he can’t just get a regular bloody job and...”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “Well he’s gone to a lot of effort with this....He found an artist....He found a small press willing to publish it....He probably won’t make any money from it but still....”

PANEL THREE: Tighter shot of Jack, he’s dabbing the corner of his mouth with a serviette, his speech bubble reads: “I sent Mum a copy....She was appalled of course....She said if I ever did a cartoon about my Father....Christ....I’d still be bent over on his lap taking lashings today!”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack pouring another glass of wine, Dorothy is beside him with her arm on his shoulder. Her speech bubble reads: “I know it’s taking forever but he’ll soon realise he needs to make a living....I’ve said to him before he can do these little things on the side...”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Problem is his bloody CV is so patchy no place will hire him anymore....He doesn’t want to work for me but I’m the only person who’ll hire him!”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Dorothy rolling her eyes, her speech bubble reads: “At least he’s on the benefit now....When that runs out well....I guess we’ll have to have a proper talk to him....”

PAGE THREE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack at work thumbing through his diary.....We see it reads ‘JULY 2011” and on “WEDNESDAY JULY 6 TH” it reads “DONNIE’S 30TH BIRTHDAY”, Caption below indicating Jack’s voice over reads: “Christ....30 years old....When I was 30 I’d been married for eight years....I was a manager....I had my own home....But Donnie....He’s writing stupid cartoons....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack sitting at his office, he looks really pissed off, there’s another businessman in a chair beside him he’s reading the comic, his speech bubble reads: “This is a bloody hoot Jack! Can I show some of the others?”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack’s hand he’s just scrawled something in pen in his diary it reads “FIND EXCUSE TO FIRE ANDY...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack walking into a shop, a sign above the shop reads “ARTS AND
CRAFTS STORE”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack laughing to himself, he has a crayon in one of his hands.

PAGE FOUR:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie lying in bed fast asleep, there’s a big stack of comic books lying on the floor next to him.

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie half awake now, still in bed on the phone, speech bubble from the phone reads: “Checked your emails yet?”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man...I only just got up....Give me a minute...”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie’s computer screen on it we see a very crudely drawn cartoon (done in crayon) with two stick figures one is older holding a suitcase the other is younger with a baseball cap on. The older figure’s speech bubble reads: “SO I SUPPOSE YOU NEED MORE MONEY THEN? IT’S A GOOD THING I AM SUCH A SUCCESS IN LIFE!” the younger figure’s speech bubble reads: “YEAH WHATEVER JUST GIVE ME THE CASH OLD MAN!” (caption from below indicating the real Donnie on the phone: “What the hell....What is this?”)

PANEL FOUR: Another shot of the computer screen the stick figured baseball cap wearing character is sitting in a bar talking to a girl stick figure, his speech bubble reads: “NAH I DON’T ANSWER MY PHONE IT’S PROBABLY JUST MY STUPID DAD CALLING, DO YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK BABY GIRL?” (caption below indicating Donnie on the phone reads: “Did you draw this? Is that supposed to be me?”)

PANEL FIVE: Tight shot of Jack, we can still however see bits of paper and crayons on his desk, his speech bubble reads “Two can play this game! I’m doing my own comic now!”

"UNCLE TOM'S MAGIC SOUND"

2011-06-27T18:12:00.000-07:00

(JUST POSTING CHAPTER ONE HERE AS A PREVIEW/SNEAK PEEK)

KITE FAMILY SHORT FEATURE: "FIVE STAR RESTAURANT"

2011-06-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

(ART BY GONZALO NAVARRO)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY: SHORT FEATURE SIX

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Jack is lying on the bed in his hotel room, with his glasses on, reading “Cuisine Magazine”

PANEL TWO: Jack is sitting at a table by himself at a very flash looking restaurant, he’s browsing the menu and has a glass of wine in his free hand.

PANEL THREE: Dorothy dressed in a nightgown and a pair of comfy, tracksuit like pants is sitting on the computer, she has a cigarette in one hand and a glass of wine beside her. Her speech bubble reads: “Oh bloody hell! My pay hasn’t gone in again! I’m over this!”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Dorothy pouring a packet of chips into a bowl.

PANEL FIVE: Jack at the restaurant, he’s now on the phone, in his free hand he has his glass of wine. His speech bubble reads: “Hi....I’m at a five star restaurant....Just ordered my entree... Terrine of goose liver with spiced pineapple and gingerbread...”

PAGE TWO:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Dorothy looking pissed off, in front of her is the bowl of chips (now finished) and a half empty bottle of wine, her speech bubble reads: “Here we go again....You do this every time you’re out to dinner....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack, unbroken by Dorothy’s rant, he’s holding up the menu which he’s glancing at. His speech bubble reads: “For a main course....I’ve ordered.... Veal Cutlet...Chartreuse of cabbage, morels and bacon....I took a photo of the entree and I’ve just sent it....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Dorothy we can see her phone, rolling her eyes. Her speech bubble reads: “Well I had a bloody bowl of chips for dinner! They didn’t pay me again!”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack, with glass of wine in his free hand, the waiter is just placing his entree on the table. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Sorry....But that’s not my fault.....There’s that steak in the freezer I bought last weekend....”

PANEL FIVE: Dorothy, now lying on the couch with the blanket pulled over her. Her speech bubble reads: “It’s not the bloody point......Enjoy your bloody five star cuisine.....”

PAGE THREE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack rolling his eyes as he’s putting the phone in his jacket pocket.

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack, no plate in front of him now, twiddling his thumbs as he waits.

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie lying on his bed reading a comic book.

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack on the phone, his speech bubble reads: “Check your email....Just sent you a picture of my main course....It’s veal cutlet....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot which encompasses Jack and another table, at the table there’s two girls who are clearly in their early twenties, there’s a waiter bringing them a bottle of wine. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Christ.....The girls at the table beside me look about bloody sixteen....They’re drinking wine.....I can’t even tell how old people are now....Jesus...”

PAGE FOUR:

PANEL ONE: Donnie with a cheeky grin on his face his speech bubble reads: “You’ll wind up like the dog....Reduced to relying on your sense of smell now your vision’s gone....”, speech bubble coming from the phone (Jack) reads: “Christ....Your glasses are way thicker than mine...You can talk!”

PANEL TWO: Donnie standing up now, scratching the back of his head, his speech bubble reads: “Are you out to dinner alone again?”, speech bubble coming from the phone reads: “Of course....The young guys from work don’t know anything about restaurants...”

PANEL THREE: Tight shot of Jack, his speech bubble reads: “I tried ringing Dorothy but she’s in one of her moods....Did you look at the picture of my meal?”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie back on the bed flicking through a comic book, his speech bubble reads: “Yeah...I’ll look later....”, speech bubble coming from the phone reads: “I don’t know why Dorothy gets jealous.....”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie looking bored his speech bubble reads: “Yeah...I don’t know...You know what she’s like after a few drinks though....Always feeling sorry for herself...”, speech bubble coming from the phone reads: “I never feel sorry for myself....Christ...”

PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE: Donnie reading his comic whilst still on the phone, his speech bubble reads: “Look I talked to you only an hour ago I haven’t got much to say....Talk to you tomorrow okay...”, speech bubble from the phone reads: “Yeah, alright....I’ve got to eat my dinner anyway!”

PANEL TWO: Jack sitting at the dining table adjusting the silverware

PANEL THREE: Jack looking around the restaurant

PANEL FOUR: Dorothy collapsed on the couch snoring, her phone is vibrating on the table beside her.

PANEL FIVE: Donnie reading his comic book, his phone beside him is vibrating.

PAGE SIX

PANEL ONE: Jack eating his main course.

PANEL TWO: Jack looking at his phone.

PANEL THREE: Donnie on the phone, looking annoyed, comic book on his lap. His speech bubble reads: “Man....What now?”, speech bubble from the phone reads: “The main wasn’t as good as the entree...Did you get the photos?”

PANEL FOUR: Jack at the restaurant, a waiter is placing an extravagant looking dessert in front of him, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I personally think it’s a four star restaurant....But....”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie rolling his eyes, his speech bubble reads: “Yeah...Look I’ve gotta go”....Speech bubble coming from the phone reads: “The decor is very nice though and I must say the service is also excellent but...”

PAGE SEVEN:

PANEL ONE: Jack looking a bit hurt, his speech bubble reads: “Alright then....I just thought you might be interested!”

PANEL TWO: Jack eating his dessert.

PANEL THREE: Jack wiping his mouth with his serviette, the finished dessert in front of him

PANEL FOUR: Jack looking at his phone.

PANEL FIVE: Jack on the phone his speech bubble reads: “Hi Mum....Thought I’d call...I’m at a five star restaurant...Listen did Karen set up that email account for you because I just sent....”

KITE FAMILY: SHORT FEATURE: JACK WINS EVERY TIME!

2011-06-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

EPISODE: "Jack wins every time"

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: An eleven year old Donnie is sitting in the front seat of the car with a younger Dorothy who is consoling him. He’s crying. His speech bubble reads: “She said I’m not welcome in her class and I might be expelled!”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “Calm down Donnie...I’m sure she was just angry....”

PANEL TWO: Young Donnie is sitting down on the couch, his eyes downcast. A younger Jack is standing up with his hand over his head. Dorothy has her hands on her hips and looks annoyed with Jack. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Christ....I can’t believe this....I never got in trouble at school ever....I was a model student...”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “That teacher just doesn’t like him....He was just a bit cheeky....Go easy on him!”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack pouring himself a glass of wine in the kitchen. His speech bubble reads: “Christ...I’ll have to sort all this out and what’s the bet I’ll be made to be the bad guy again...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack sitting at his desk on the phone, his speech bubble reads: “I haven’t got time to talk about this for hours...Just tell me is he expelled or not?”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of the principal of the school on the phone, his speech bubble reads: “Mr. Kite I’d really prefer if you came in and discussed the matter....You should talk with Mrs. Stephens too...”

PAGE TWO:

PANEL ONE: Close up of Jack looking irritable, his speech bubble reads: “I’m very busy...I’m trying to run a company here...I can’t just....Is he expelled or not? Because I’m happy to enrol him elsewhere..”

PANEL TWO: Shot of the principal, he looks a bit stressed out now. His speech bubble reads: “Mr. Kite....He....Well...I think his behaviour will need to be modified if...”, there’s a speech bubble coming from the phone “Just tell me if he’s expelled or not....Christ”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack thumbing through his diary....His speech bubble reads “No...That’s no good for me...I’d rather just come in my lunch hour...I don’t see why we can’t just do this over the....”

PANEL FOUR: Larger panel. Jack is sitting in the principal’s office with Mrs. Stephens. Mrs. Stephens looks distraught and she’s holding a handkerchief to her face. Jack is gesturing with his hands, the principal is looking awkward, scratching the back of his head. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “So you’re telling me my son’s a problem when this teacher here is reduced to tears....Seems like she’s the one with a problem to me!”

PAGE THREE:

PANEL ONE: Tight shot of Jack’s pissed off face. His speech bubble reads: “Christ....Being this affected by a ten year old boy....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Mrs. Stephens, still looking distraught, her speech bubble reads: “I...I...can see where he gets his acid tongue from...”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack looking smug, his speech bubble reads: “Christ....I haven’t got time to pander to weak bloody people....Listen....I know my son’s an intelligent boy....If I have to enrol him elsewhere....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of the principal waving his hands in the air, his speech bubble reads: “Mr. Kite...I think...Well...Donnie should just be placed in another class...”, speech bubble off screen reads: “Well...I agree....He needs a male teacher...Not some bloody flake...”

PANEL FIVE: The three of them. Jack is now shaking hands with the principal, his speech bubble reads: “Right...That’s sorted....Thanks for your time....”

PAGE FOUR:

PANEL ONE: Jack is sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, he has a superior facial expression, Dorothy is on the couch opposite him she looks irritated with Jack. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “And it could have all been done over the phone...Christ you should have seen her....I’m glad she kicked him out....”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “You’re such a bloody bully....Donnie’s made me cry before you know...”

PANEL TWO: Similar shot. Dorothy now has her arms folded. Jack is leaning forward to make his point. His speech bubble reads: “Christ....She’s a paid bloody educator she should be able to handle these things...”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “There’s no need to bloody terrorise them though!”

PANEL THREE: Tight shot of Jack with a smug facial expression. His speech bubble reads: “Of course the whole thing was a bloody joke....They’d never expel him....”

PANEL FOUR: The two of them....Dorothy pouring herself a glass of wine, she still looks annoyed. Her speech bubble reads: “And why not! Donnie’s no angel you know! He draws offensive cartoons of all the teachers you know!”

PANEL FIVE: The two of them again, Jack looks very pleased with himself. Dorothy is rolling her eyes. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I did my homework didn’t I....The bloody school’s struggling to get enrolments as it is...They can’t afford to lose more students....So I knew I’d won the battle before it even began...”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “Bloody hell...Not everything’s a bloody competition!”

PANEL SIX: Tight shot of Jack’s smug face. His speech bubble reads: “Well if it were a competition I’d win....Every time....”

Kite Family: "Cool Kenny's Movie Madness"

2011-06-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY: SHORT COMIC BOOK SCRIPT

EPISODE: "COOL KENNY'S MOVIE MADNESS"

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Donnie is lying on the couch on the phone to Jack. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “It’ll be under A obviously....In the comedy section...”

PANEL TWO: Jack, on the phone, at the video store browsing the DVDs his speech bubble reads: “Well I can’t bloody see it!”, Donnie’s speech bubble coming from the phone reads “Man...They’ll have it...I bet you’ve barely looked”

PANEL THREE: Jack, walking towards the line of the video store, there’s three people ahead of him, an old lady is talking to the counter person. Her speech bubble reads: “Could you just get it for me dear...My eyesight’s not what it used to be!”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Christ....I was going to get them to find it but there’s a bloody line...”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie lying on the couch he has a can of coke in his free hand now. Dorothy is in the background doing the using the vacuuming the floors. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “I bet there’s like two people in the line....Man you’re impatient!”, speech bubble coming from the phone reads: “I’m not spending all night in the stinkin’ video store!”

PANEL FIVE: Jack back at the comedy section again he’s holding up a DVD that says “American Pie”, his speech bubble reads: “They’ve got American Pie....What’s that like?”, Donnie’s speech bubble, coming from the phone, reads: “Man....Just keep looking they’ll have American Splendour”

PAGE TWO:

PANEL ONE: Jack’s hands holding the DVD of “American Ninja”, his speech bubble reads: “What about American Ninja?”, another speech bubble (Donnie) reads: “Just keep looking or line up....Man”

PANEL TWO: Donnie now eating out of a bag of potato chips, still lying on the couch, Dorothy is placing a bowl (for the chips) and a container of dip on the table for Donnie. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Seriously stop reading them all out....Just wait in line for like five minutes...You’ll like this movie.”, speech bubble from off the screen reads: “There’s no one at the bloody counter anyway...”

PANEL THREE: Shot of an old lady with the store clerk. The old lady is holding up the DVD cover up close to her face. Her speech bubble reads: “I don’t think this is the one dear”, speech bubble at corner of screen (Jack) reads: “He’s helping some bloody old lady....Christ...I’ll just get American Ninja”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie is now sitting up he has a chip in one hand which he’s scooping into the dip. Dorothy (now with dishwashing gloves on and an apron) is picking up Happy (family dog). Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man...Don’t get that it’s shit....Just look properly...It’ll be there...Last time I was there they had like five copies...”

PANEL FIVE: Jack is holding up the copy of “American Ninja” and he’s walking towards the counter, his speech bubble reads: “Cool Kenny’s Movie Madness Website said it’s an action tour de force”, speech bubble off screen reads “They put those quotes on all the movies....Seriously it’s crap....”

PAGE THREE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Happy sniffing around her bowl.....Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “Bloody Happy’s damn near blind now.....She’s reduced to relying on her sense of smell”, speech bubble off screen reads: “You’re getting on in years too....Soon you’ll have to rely on your sense of smell...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack with his hand over his head, he’s now in line. His speech bubble reads: “Christ....I heard that.....Don’t take the piss out of your Mother....Show some bloody respect!”

PANEL THREE: Dorothy standing over Donnie with her arms folded, she looks pissed off (her speech bubble reads: “Don’t talk to me like that buster!”, Donnie, still on the phone, his speech bubble reads: “Are you seriously going to rent that....Man...”, speech bubble off screen reads: “What’s that American Splendour about anyway.....Doesn’t sound like action...”

PANEL FOUR: Tighter shot... Jack rolling his eyes and his free hand on his hip, his speech bubble reads: “Jesus.....Why would I want to watch a movie about some loser who works in a mail room and can’t even draw his own comics....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie on the couch he now has Happy on the couch with him, she’s licking his hand. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Trust me you’ll like it....It’s funny and poignant and....”, speech bubble off screen reads: “Christ....Cool Kenny probably didn’t even review it....”

PAGE FOUR:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack, now getting into his car. His speech bubble reads: “Come to think of it....The character sounds a bit like you....I mean you can’t even draw your own comics....But at least he’s got a bloody day job....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack behind the wheel, his speech bubble reads: “I bet this American Ninja guy does his own fighting....And I bet he doesn’t have some loser day job.....Christ if I wanted to watch losers I’d go down to the bloody unemployment office”

PANEL THREE: Tight of Donnie rolling his eyes, his speech bubble reads: “Man you don’t understand....Heaps of comics aren’t written by the guy who does the art...”

PANEL FOUR: Tight shot of Jack laughing, his speech bubble reads: “Christ....You could get a job at KFC...But you don’t make the burgers you just tell someone how to make the burgers....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie handing Dorothy the empty bag of chips, she looks pissed off. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Here we go again.....Man....I’m applying for stuff!!”, speech bubble off screen reads: “Yeah...Yeah....I’m going to watch my tour-de-force....See ya”

PANEL SIX: Shot of Jack lying fast asleep on the couch snoring, “American Ninja” is playing in the background.

"The Adventures Of The Kite Family" (SHORT 3)

2011-06-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

"The Adventures Of The Kite Family" (SHORT 2)

2011-06-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

Adventures Of The Kite Family (Issue Four Script)

2011-06-11T03:38:00.000-07:00

(Art by Csaba Mester)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE KITE FAMILY

ISSUE FOUR SCRIPT

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: Dorothy vacuuming the floors. Caption below acting as Donnie’s voice-over reads: “Whenever Jack’s on his way home Dorothy cleans every damn inch of the house...”

PANEL TWO: Dorothy putting all the washing in the washing machine. Caption reads: “Not that Jack really says anything about it....”

PANEL THREE: Dorothy taking the dishes out of the dishwasher. Caption reads: “I suppose I can’t talk though....I hate cleaning and I’m usually busy in the mornings anyway...”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie lying in his bed with the lap-top. There’s a speech bubble coming from the lap-top that reads “Give it to me baby....Pound that tight pussy!”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie’s hand throwing a big wad of tissues into the toilet bowl.

PAGE TWO:

PANEL ONE: Jack driving along in the car, we can see he’s on a windy mountain road, there’s a sign that says “Extreme Conditions: Road Closed”, Jack’s speech bubble reads “That’s for bloody amateurs...”

PANEL TWO: Dorothy on the couch, she has sweat coming from her forehead, she has an apron on and rubber cleaning gloves. She looks exhausted. A caption acting as her voice-over reads: “There.....Cleaned the whole bloody place....I bet Jack won’t even say anything....All he ever talks about is what he does for the family...”

PANEL THREE: Donnie washing his hands in the sink. A caption as his voice over reads: “As much as I hate a lot of the loud music and poseurs you get at nightclubs....I really do like the dirty girls I can pick up....I really should go out one night...”

PANEL FOUR: Jack behind the wheel, he has a cocky facial expression. A caption acting as his voiceover reads: “Bloody Dorothy and Donnie couldn’t handle this but I know I’m in complete control....I’ve driven this road so many times I could shut my eyes and still get across it....I should do that one time....Just for the hell of
it..”

PANEL FIVE: Similar shot of Jack driving. Caption acting as voiceover reads “No that’s bloody stupid....Of course I could if I wanted to though....”

PAGE THREE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack going around a corner quite fast, there’s dust and rocks coming off the road by the wheels. His caption reads: “Christ I hope I can talk some sense into Dorothy and Donnie....I buy the business...They work for me....If only I didn’t have to look after everyone...Christ”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack in his car, the car is skidding on a corner, going off the road slightly. His caption reads: “Why can’t they be like me.....Rational, level headed....Totally in control....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack’s car getting itself slowly back onto the road. His caption reads: “See...Even thinking about their emotional and irrational ways cause me to lose control....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie looking very animated with his hands in the air gesturing and a cheeky facial expression. Dorothy is lying on the couch, still in the same outfit as before. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “C’mon Dorothy get off the couch Jack will be home soon and he’ll want to go to the supermarket straight away! Let’s go! Let’s go!”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Dorothy’s pissed off face. Her speech bubble reads: “Piss off buster....Thanks a lot for help with me the cleaning too....I cleaned the whole house by myself while you lay in bed all bloody day!”

PAGE FOUR:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie trying to look innocent, his speech bubble reads: “Why didn’t you tell me you were cleaning? I would have helped you.” Speech bubble from off screen reads “Yeah right....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Dorothy with a cheeky facial expression her speech bubble reads “You were too busy watching ‘movies’ anyway....Must have been a good movie I heard you flush the toilet twice”

PANEL THREE: Donnie looking cheeky, his speech bubble reads: “It was bit too intellectual for you but I enjoyed it....”

PANEL FOUR: Dorothy with her arms folded looking disapprovingly at Donnie (also in shot), her speech bubble reads: “I know you’re an adult now but if you’re going to watch that filth put your bloody headphones on!”

PANEL FIVE: Jack on the phone whilst driving. His speech bubble reads: “So I’m home in five minutes....Am I going to the supermarket alone like a bloody errand boy or are you coming with me?”

PAGE FIVE:

PANEL ONE: Dorothy,on the phone, looking pissed off. Her speech bubble reads: “Oh piss off...I’ve just spent the last two hours cleaning!! I don’t want to go to the ruddy supermarket and I shouldn’t have too!!”

PANEL TWO: Tight shot of Jack, on the phone, looking pissed off. His speech bubble reads: “Well I’ve just spent the last four hours driving here! Like I do every bloody weekend!”

PANEL THREE: Dorothy, on the phone, rolling her eyes at Jack’s comment. Her speech bubble reads: “It’s not a bloody competition!”

PANEL FOUR: Jack, on the phone, with a cheeky smile. His speech bubble reads: “Yeah well if it was I’d be winning....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Dorothy handing Donnie the phone as she walks off....Speech bubble from the phone reads: “Did you hear that one? I said I’d be winning!”

PAGE SIX:

PANEL ONE: Jack on the phone, whilst driving, looking pissed off. His speech bubble reads: “Your Mother’s all pissed off with me and I bet that’s because you haven’t helped her with the cleaning!”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie rolling his eyes, his speech bubble reads: “Yeah well I was watching a movie and besides it was you who....”

PANEL THREE: Jack on the phone, whilst driving again, he’s turning the wheel with his free hand, his speech bubble reads: “We all know what kind of movies you watch in the afternoon....I’ll never forget that time I walked in on you with Monty Smith from accounts....Christ...”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie trying to explain himself, with a slight annoyed facial expression, his speech bubble reads: “Man....I was a teenager....Get over it”

PANEL FIVE: Larger panel, Jack is pulling into the driveway of the supermarket, he has a dismissive facial expression and his speech bubble reads: “Well....Take pride in the fact you’ve embarrassed me more in your twenties ....Christ....I can only wait to see what bloody embarrassments your thirties will bring....Jesus...”

PAGE SEVEN:

PANEL ONE: Jack walking in the door with a couple of supermarket bags and another bag filled with comic books.

PANEL TWO: Jack throwing the bag of comic books on the couch beside Donnie. Jack’s speech bubble reads “Here’s your stinkin’ comic books...”

PANEL THREE: Donnie sorting through the comic books, there’s about twenty of them. His speech bubble reads: “Thanks....But man you got heaps....You didn’t need to get all these...”

PANEL FOUR: Jack going over to pick up the comic books, his speech bubble reads: “I got you the whole series of Hellblazer and Preacher....I thought I was being good to ya but I’ll take the bloody things back if....”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie waving Jack away. His speech bubble reads: “Man....Calm down...Thanks...I just meant you didn’t have to get them all at once that was all...”

PAGE EIGHT:

PANEL ONE: Larger panel, the three of them in the panel. Donnie is now lying on the couch browsing through a “Preacher” comic. Dorothy has her arms folded and looks annoyed at Jack. Jack has his hands in the air feigning innocence. Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “Oh bloody hell leave him alone! He always says how much he appreciates you bringing those books!”,Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Christ....So now I’m the bad guy am I? I’ll hop in the bloody car and drive off then....”

PANEL TWO: Donnie is unpacking the grocery bags in the kitchen, his speech bubble reads: “Calm down....Let me put the stuff away.....You need to sit down....You’ve been driving for hours....Probably had like five meetings and been up since six am too.....Fuck.....”

PANEL THREE: Jack with a proud, superior looking facial expression, Dorothy in the background looking unimpressed. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Actually I’ve been up since five am....And I’ve had two meetings to be precise....I don’t need to sit down though...I’ll start on the dinner once you’ve put things away...”

PANEL FOUR: Dorothy with her arms folded, Jack with a quizzical facial expression. Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “Bloody hell....That can wait.....Just sit down....You’ve been reading bloody Donnie’s comic books!”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “What the hell does that mean?”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack dressed in a Superman outfit. A speech bubble from the corner of the screen (Dorothy’s) reads: “You’re trying to be bloody Superman!”

PAGE NINE

PANEL ONE: Jack and Dorothy are sitting in a table of a crowded bar. We can see a couple of tables beside them. One has another older couple and another has a couple with two young boys with them. Jack looks distracted as he’s looking at the table with the family. Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “Well....I’m getting used to it I guess....But I will feel better about if you decide to buy it and rename the shop Dorothy’s...I guess that’s...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of the family with the two young boys. We can see there’s two empty coke bottles beside the two kids and fresh one each Beside them as well. Speech bubble off screen (Dorothy) reads: “I know it’s a bit pretentious of me but I just don’t like being thought of as just a store clerk and....”

PANEL THREE: Tighter shot of Jack who is looking thoughtfully into the distance. Speech bubble off screen (Dorothy) reads: “ It was such a nice thought naming it after me too....You really did perk up my day when you said that you know? Jack?”

PANEL FOUR: Dorothy tapping Jack’s arm, Jack is slightly startled, moving his eyes back to Dorothy. Her speech bubble reads: “Bloody hell you’re not even listening!”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Sorry...Jesus....You realise those kids have had three bottles of coke each!”

PANEL FIVE: Dorothy looking incredulous, her speech bubble reads “So bloody what?”, Jack using his hands to explain his point, his speech bubble reads: “The cokes are four dollars each here....It’s just wasteful....They’d be better off living the kids at home with a one point five litre bottle of Coke from the supermarket....Some people are...”, Dorothy’s Speech bubble reads: “Oh bloody hell....Don’t be so cheap...”

PAGE TEN:

PANEL ONE: Donnie is on the computer, there’ a speech bubble coming from the screen that reads “Oh fuck yes baby....Fuck yes”. There’s a caption below, acting as his voiceover. “I’m getting over this....I really need to go into town and find a girl.....It’ll be good to get away from the parents nightly argument too...”

PANEL TWO: Donnie has his top off and is checking himself out in the mirror. His caption reads: “I’m looking good now....All this good food at home and time at the gym....I’m gunna give it a crack...I don’t know anyone in town but you have to start
somewhere....”

PANEL THREE: Donnie putting his T-shirt back on, we can see the house phone is ringing in the background.

PANEL FOUR: Jack at the bar on the phone, Dorothy in the background waving her hands at him to get off the phone. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Dorothy just said I was cheap....Now I want your opinion am I cheap?”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie lying on the bed, looking confused by Jack’s call, his speech bubble reads: “Eh? What the hell?”, speech bubble coming from the phone reads “Just answer the bloody question!”

PAGE ELEVEN:

PANEL ONE: Larger panel, in the background we can see the other two tables as well, the Father of the family is in returning with two extra bottles of Coke. Jack with his arms folded looking somewhat smug, Dorothy rolling her eyes at him. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “See.....Donnie says I’m not cheap.....So I win....End of discussion....Unless you want me to ring Mum? Or bloody anybody from work they’ll all vouch for me....Let’s go!”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: ‘ Oh bloody hell.....Get me another wine would ya please...”

PANEL TWO: Donnie putting the phone back on the receiver. His caption reads: “Man....They’re insane...I so need to go out tonight....”

PANEL THREE: Jack and Dorothy again. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I thought we were only having one glass? We always come for just the one drink....”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “I thought you weren’t cheap?”

PANEL FOUR: Jack reaching for his wallet out of his pocket, his speech bubble reads: “I’ll get you another glass then....You know there’s a difference between being cheap and being extravagant....We’ve got wine at home and.....Jesus”

PAGE TWELVE:

PANEL ONE: Dorothy and Jack in the car. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I know you’ve only been there a couple of weeks but it just doesn’t seem very safe to me...”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “Oh bloody hell....They’ve had the shop for over twenty years! They’re only selling because they’re retiring!”

PANEL TWO: Tighter shot of Jack’s face, his hands are turning the wheel. His speech bubble reads: “Well...I’m the one who’s going to buy the place and I’m just saying I’m not convinced yet...They say they want to sell because they’re retiring but....”

PANEL THREE: Tighter shot of Dorothy who has her hands up in the air and is rolling her eyes. Her speech bubble reads: “You’ll never buy a bloody business....You won’t take any bloody risks....Nothing’s going to be fool proof!”

PANEL FOUR: Larger panel. Both of them, getting out of the car now, Donnie is outside with Happy in his arms, he looks bemused by their arguing. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I’ve been the CEO of one of the largest companies in the country and I’ve been able to keep us in profit for the last ten years and...”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads “That’s completely different and you know it....I didn’t take that job so I could wind up being a bloody clerk!”

PAGE THIRTEEN:

PANEL ONE: Dorothy looking pissed off in the kitchen as she pours a glass of wine, Donnie is beside her and he has a sympathetic facial expression. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “ Are you alright?”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “No I’m not....Bloody Jack’s driving me nuts...”

PANEL TWO: Dorothy gulping down the wine.

PANEL THREE: Dorothy pouring another glass of wine.

PANEL FOUR: Donnie sitting on the couch next to Jack. Jack is making a speech and is gesturing with his hands. His speech bubble reads: “That Dorothy just wants to make rash, impulsive business decisions but I on the other hand like to think things through and...”, Donnie looks less than interested in Jack’s speech.

PANEL FIVE: Jack with his hand on Donnie’s shoulder as he speaks. His speech bubble reads: “I don’t want to be condescending but the fact of the matter is you and Dorothy aren’t cut out for business....You’re better suited to the arts which is fine....So I think...”, Donnie still looking mildly interested.

PAGE FOURTEEN:

PANEL ONE: Donnie returning to sit next to Jack he has a beer in his hand now. Jack has a wine glass in his hand. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “You’re having a beer? That’s not like you...”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “I thought I might go into town later on so...”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack looking pleased. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I think that’s a good idea...You can’t just stay at home all day....You need to get out there and meet people.”

PANEL THREE: Donnie scratching the back of his head, his speech bubble reads: “I might have to get a few dollars off you...”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “What have you been doing with your benefit money?”

PANEL FOUR: A shot of large stack of comic books on the floor of Donnie’s room. Speech bubbles below acting as Jack and Donnie read: “Well...I’ve bought some comic books and....”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Christ....You should be saving that money....You’re living rent free for fuck’s sake!”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Jack getting a twenty dollar note out of his wallet. His speech bubble reads: “Will this be enough?”, Donnie scratching his head, looking awkward and his speech bubble reads: “Ahh....I might need a bit more...If that’s okay...”

PAGE FIFTEEN:

PANEL ONE: The two of them on the couch Jack is flicking through the channels, Donnie is reading a comic book.

PANEL TWO: Jack facing Donnie gesturing with his hands to make a point. His speech bubble reads: “While you’re in town you should ask people what sort of work is going....In these small towns that’s the best way to find work....”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “I don’t wanna do that....I was thinking I might try and pick a girl or something...”

PANEL THREE: Tight shot of Jack looking slightly annoyed, his speech bubble reads: “I understand that but it doesn’t preclude you from getting a feel for the job market....You don’t intend to stay on the benefit forever do you?”

PANEL FOUR: Donnie looking a bit stressed, peeling the label of his beer bottle. His speech bubble reads: “One minute you talk about me working for you and now....”

PANEL FIVE: The two of them Donnie swigging from his beer, Jack about to sip from his wine. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Christ....Well for starters I don’t know if I’ll find a viable business here and Dorothy’s been telling me you don’t want to stay here for long anyway....”

PAGE SIXTEEN:

PANEL ONE: Tight shot of Donnie talking. His speech bubble reads: “Well there’s not much here for me...I can’t do stand-up comedy here and it’s a really small town and no offense but I don’t want to live with you guys forever.”

PANEL TWO: Jack looking slightly defensive, his speech bubble reads: “I don’t want you to live here forever either but...I thought you’d come to your senses with the comedy?”

PANEL THREE: Donnie looking a bit miffed by Jack’s dismissive comment. His speech bubble reads: “Man....I never said I’d given up....It was just a bad time towards the end overseas with my break-up and everything....I might start gigging here soon...”

PANEL FOUR: Jack with his hand over his head, looking worn out, his speech bubble reads: “So since you’ve been home...Christ....You’ve started a comic book about your parents and now you’re thinking of doing comedy again....”

PANEL FIVE: Jack walking off with the glass of wine in his hand, his speech bubble reads: “I’m not trying to discourage your artistic side Donnie....But Christ you’re 28....You should be trying to find real work as your first priority....”

PAGE SEVENTEEN:

PANEL ONE: Jack in the kitchen pouring himself a glass of wine. His speech bubble reads: “I’m happy to buy a business and for you to do that and write your comic books and do your comedy when you’re not working at the shop but...”

PANEL TWO: Jack handing Donnie a beer as he sits down on the couch again. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I just think....Well....I know you’re capable of looking after yourself....”

PANEL THREE: Donnie looking somewhat awkward still, his speech bubble reads: “Man...I don’t know what I want....I’ve been home just a month or so....I know I always want to write and perform but I know I need money too but....”

PANEL FOUR: Jack about to take a sip of wine, his speech bubble reads: “Look I don’t want to pressure you.....But try and find something part time maybe? If I do find a business well you can work for me and it doesn’t have to be permanent okay....”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie taking a swig from his beer, Jack in the background looking amused. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Listen if you do get lucky tonight....Make sure you take her to the spare bedroom downstairs alright....”

PAGE EIGHTEEN:

PANEL ONE: Donnie about to enter his bedroom, there’s a speech bubble coming from Dorothy’s bedroom...It reads “Donnie....Donnie”

PANEL TWO: Donnie sitting on the edge of Dorothy’s bed. Dorothy has a glass of wine in one hand a cigarette in the other, there’s a paperback lying open beside her. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “I thought you were asleep?”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “I just said that....I’m just a bit over Jack at the moment....One minute we’re buying the business and the next....”

PANEL THREE: Tight shot of Donnie. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah....I know....He wasn’t so positive about it and he was even saying if he bought it I don’t have to work there permanently...”

PANEL FOUR: Dorothy putting her hand on Donnie’s knee. Her speech bubble reads: “I think he’s starting to realise you don’t want to be here forever...”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah, well I don’t mind working there for a bit but you know....”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie now standing by the door frame, his speech bubble reads: “I’m going to go out tonight....Man he’s classic he said I should ask people about jobs while I’m out....”

PAGE NINETEEN:

PANEL ONE: Tight shot of Dorothy rolling her eyes. Her speech bubble reads: “Oh bloody hell....He’s got no clue....Do you need any money?”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie pocketing a couple of twenty dollar notes.

PANEL THREE: Donnie sitting on his bed drinking a beer. His lap top is on the bed playing music.

PANEL FOUR: Jack entering the bedroom to see Dorothy reading in bed. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I thought you were sleeping? Just wanted to get away from me then did you? Christ...”, Dorothy’s speech bubble reads: “I’m allowed some me-time aren’t I!”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie sitting on the bed, beer in one hand, his other hand plays with the lap-top. There’s speech bubbles coming from outside the door (indicating Jack and Dorothy). The speech bubbles read: “WELL I’LL BUY THE BLOODY PLACE THEN...IT’LL GO BANKRUPT AND THEN WHAT DOROTHY!”, “YOU’RE SO BLOODY NEGATIVE!!”

PAGE TWENTY

PANEL ONE: Donnie is walking along, he has a jacket on and it’s obvious it’s very cold out, we can see mountains in the background alongside the expensive looking houses. Donnie’s caption reads: “Man....I haven’t been with a girl since my ex.....Not that I ever enjoyed that much...”

PANEL TWO: (Flashback) Donnie looking unkempt lying on the sofa in a small apartment, his facial expression shows he’s completely worn out. His girlfriend a medium height/build Asian girl is gesturing wildly with her hands and looking pissed off...Her speech bubble reads: “When will you get a job! You never clean this place and it’s not like we have sex anymore either! I hate this! I hate this!”

PANEL THREE: (Flashback) Donnie lying in bed with his girlfriend who looks happier now she is cuddled up close to him. Her speech bubble reads: “I’m sorry...I just had a bad day...You still love me right? Baby?”, Donnie is still looking bored and his speech bubble reads: “Yeah....Yeah of course...”. Caption below reads: God what an awful relationship....I wasn’t very attracted to her but she had money and I didn’t and well I was trapped I guess...

PANEL FOUR: (Flashback) Donnie staring out the window of a plane. Caption below reads: “So the only solution was to come back home....But I’m still trapped now aren’t I?”

PANEL FIVE: Donnie at the bar handing over a twenty dollar note to the bartender, there’s a beer at the bar for him. Caption below reads: “I should really start saving money but I have no plans at the moment so....Argghh....Fuck it....Just have a drink and have some fun Donnie....”

PAGE TWENTY ONE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of a couple of young sexy looking girls with short skirts, heels and breasts bulging out of tight tops. Caption below reads: “God....I know I’m better than this...I swear it’s pornography that’s warped my mind and makes me think I need to fuck these trashy girls....”

PANEL TWO: Tight shot of the girl’s legs. Caption below reads: “But man it is so damn good....And besides the last thing I need now is a serious relationship....Some casual sex....That’s what I need...”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie sitting down on the couch near the dance floor looking bored, he has a beer in his hand. Caption below reads: “I’m a decent looking guy and I can be good with this shit but man...I so don’t feel like talking to these girls....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie’s hands, he has a small jar of pills, we can see “CODEINE: PAIN KILLERS. JACK KITE” is written on them.

PANEL FIVE: Donnie is sitting at a table with a young girl, he has a glazed over facial expression, there’s a couple of empty beer bottles beside him. Her speech bubble reads: “I just love cocktails they’re like the best....It’s like you’re not even drinking eh!”

PAGE TWENTY TWO:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Donnie’s hand there’s two little pills in it, there’s a speech bubble that reads “Yeah they’re good they just relax you....Have one....I’m doing another...” and the girl’s speech bubble reads: “Yeah sure what the hell!”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie and the girl at the bar doing shots.

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie and the girl stumbling along the side of the road on their way home....The girl has her heels in one hand and a hip flask in the other

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Donnie with the hip flask in his hand....His speech bubble reads: “God....I’m fucked....I have no idea how to get home from here....Can we sit down for a bit?”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie and the girl collapsed asleep by the side of the road.

PAGE TWENTY THREE:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Jack lying wide awake in his bed, Dorothy asleep beside him. Jack’s caption reads “Jesus....It’s Five Am now.....I hope he’s alright....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie and the girl, Donnie is running his hands through his hair, the girl looks really drunk, there’s a vomit stain on her dress. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man I’m totally lost....I’m gunna have to get my parents to pick me up....”, her speech bubble reads: “No way that’ll be totally awkward....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Donnie and the young girl, he is holding her by the hand, they are walking into an outside public toilet....Donnie is looking around hoping nobody is looking.

PANEL FOUR: Shot of the young girl adjusting her dress, her hair all over the place. Donnie is zipping himself up.

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Donnie with his phone, he’s about to dial. His caption reads: “God...I’ll have to pretend I’m all emotional and shit coz I’m lost and I lost my wallet and......Man....This is such a scummy thing to do....”

PAGE TWENTY FOUR:

PANEL ONE: Jack and Dorothy and Donnie in the car. Donnie is looking really upset in the back seat. Jack and Dorothy looking real tired and they have their robes on. Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “Man....I feel....Like such a loser....I’m living with my parents.....I can’t even find my way home and....I’m sorry....”

PANEL TWO: Tight shot of Jack’s face, his speech bubble reads: “Don’t worry about it....It’s not like I have work tomorrow and besides it’s very dark outside it’d be easy to get lost....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack’s hand touching Donnie’s hand. There’s two speech bubbles, one reads: “Man...I’m so useless...I don’t have any money left and...”, “Don’t worry....You’re safe now Donnie...”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack and Dorothy in the bedroom, they are climbing back into bed. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “I know he’s drunk but Christ....I didn’t realise he was that vulnerable....”, Dorothy’s speech bubble “I told you....He still needs to looking after!”

PANEL FIVE: Tighter shot of Jack who looks sympathetic, his speech bubble reads: “All I want to do is take care of him...You know that.....He’ll change his tune in the morning but I think if he worked with me for a while it’d do wonders for his confidence”

PAGE TWENTY FIVE:

PANEL ONE: Donnie looking at the palm of his hand, written in pen we can see “STACEY 021324435”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Donnie’s relaxed, contented face as he closes his eyes.

PANEL THREE: Shot of Jack in the kitchen using the frying pan. Dorothy’s is opening a packet of Smoked Salmon. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “This’ll be a nice treat for him....Breakfast in bed....His favourite scrambled eggs and smoked salmon...”

PANEL FOUR: Jack entering the bedroom with the tray with the breakfast on it, Donnie is propped up in the bed reading a comic, he looks pleased to see Jack.

PANEL FIVE: Donnie with the breakfast on his lap, Jack sitting on the side of the bed. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Listen....I don’t want to embarrass you but last night I realised how vulnerable you are...”

PAGE TWENTY SIX:

PANEL ONE: Tight shot of Jack’s sympathetic face, his speech bubble reads: “I can see that you’re not ready yet for real world pressures....Which is fine....Listen....I’ll make an offer on The Art Store...”

PANEL TWO: Similar shot of Jack, he’s now gesturing with his hands, his speech bubble reads: “You can just work a few hours here and there to begin with....Get your confidence back....Save some money....”

PANEL THREE: Shot of the two of them, Donnie looks like he’s about to say something, gesturing with his hand, we can see the writing on his hand faintly....Jack’s speech bubble reads: “You need to take things slow and I don’t want to pressure you.....I think this’ll be good for you and....”

PANEL FOUR: Shot of Jack holding Donnie’s hand by the wrist, he’s looking at the girl’s message on it. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “What’s this! You met a girl! Last night you told me that all the people frightened you and....”

PANEL FIVE: Jack is now standing up with his arms folded. Donnie has the breakfast tray to one side and he’s trying to explain with his gesturing hands. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “You said....All those people in one place made you feel self conscious and you’d lost your confidence and...”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads: “It’s not like that let me explain I...”

PAGE TWENTY SEVEN:

PANEL ONE: Jack with the breakfast tray in his hand looking pissed off still, Donnie still trying to explain. Jack’s speech bubble reads: “Don’t bother....You haven’t changed at all...Feigning a lack of confidence so you could excuse spending all my money on booze for bloody tarts! Probably couldn’t be bothered walking home! Jesus!”

PANEL TWO: Shot of Jack in the kitchen, he’s putting down the half eaten breakfast tray, Dorothy beside him. Her speech bubble reads: “What happened? Wasn’t he angry?”, Jack’s speech bubble reads: “He bloody got off with some bird! That’s were all his money went....He’s a bloody liar!”

PANEL THREE: Jack with his hand on his back in pain, his speech bubble reads: “Christ....He’s got me so wild....I’ve hurt my back again....Can you get me my pills...”

PANEL FOUR: Dorothy looking in the cupboard. Her speech bubble reads: “They’re not in the cupboard...”, there’s a speech bubble off screen that reads “They’re there! I had one last night!”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Dorothy in Donnie’s room, her speech bubble reads: “You haven’t seen Jack’s pills have you?”, Donnie’s speech bubble reads “Nah...Has he lost them?”

PAGE TWENTY EIGHT:

PANEL ONE: Shot of Dorothy bending down on the floor, she’s picking up Donnie’s jeans, her speech bubble reads: “Bloody hell these need a good wash....”

PANEL TWO: Shot of the painkiller bottle falling to the ground

PANEL THREE: Dorothy with the bottle in her hand, her speech bubble reads: “Bloody hell! Did you take these! There’s none left either!”

PANEL FOUR: Tighter shot of Donnie’s face, pleading with Dorothy, his speech bubble reads: “Man...Please don’t tell Jack...He’s already angry with me and....”

PANEL FIVE: Shot of Dorothy with her arms folded her speech bubble reads: “And so he bloody should be! Saying you lost your wallet when you really just spent all that money on drinks for some bloody tart!”

(MORE TO COME...)

Can I Borrow A Flea?

2011-06-11T03:34:00.001-07:00

I’m covered in fleas the man said to the other man. I’m covered in shit said the other man to the other man.

Well well....Looks like I’m doin’ alright said the first man to the second man.

I guess you are.

Hey can I have some of your fleas.

You get your own fleas I ain’t sharing.

You can have some of my shit?

I don’t want any of your shit.

Nobody wants any of your shit.

C’mon I only want one flea. I’ll pay you back.

Where you gunna get the money to pay me back from? All you got is shit.

I know a guy who knows a guy who buys shit.

Why would anybody buy shit?

There’s a market for it.

I guess there’s a market for everything.

So give us a flea and I’ll pay you back.

Okay then, but you gotta pay me back.

Another guy covered in shit wandered over to them.

Hey look at this loser said the guy covered in shit with one borrowed flea.

Hey I ain’t a loser, cut it out buddy!

Ya look like a loser all covered in shit.

You’re all covered in shit too buddy!

No I ain’t, I gotta a flea on me as well!

You both losers, he don’t even own that flea it’s a borrowed flea, I own all my fleas!

I don’t wanna hang out with you jerks no more I came over thinking I could make some new friends but I ain’t gunna bother now!

Okay suit yourself.

Time passed.

Hey can I borrow another flea. You ain’t borrowing another flea, you ain’t paid me back for the last one!

C’mon I’m good for it, lend me another flea.

Okay but you’re paying me back tomorrow.

Yeah yeah just give me the flea. I got two fleas now things ain’t so bad, I reckon I could go into town now I’m feelin’ alright.

Yeah you go into town, leave me all alone when I be good enough to lend you two fleas!

I didn’t say you couldn’t come along.

They went into town and came back five minutes later.

I hate that place. Why did we ever go there?

It was your idea.

Damn it we were the ugliest sons of bitches there. The whole place has changed. I remember when it was full of people covered in fleas and shit but now you walk the whole place you be lucky if you see even one fella with a flea on ‘em.

Yeah but there’s dogs I guess. They covered in fleas. We should hang out at the pound.

They go to the pound.

This is nuts.

They’re dogs they don’t speak English.

You gotta make an effort to fit in. Why don’t you try and bark and yelp.

I’m too old for that, why can’t they learn to speak English.

Well I’m gunna try.

Good you do that then, I’m going somewhere else, you reckon this cocker spaniel will mind if I take one or two of his fleas?

I don’t know I’ll ask him.

Woof Woof. Bark Bark.

I don’t know what that means. Take it and see what happens.

Ouch he bit me. I guess that means no. I’m going.

Where you going?

To the sewers.

What’s down there?

Shit and piss and water.

I’ll come too.

It’s gross down here.

It’s the sewer what did you expect?

I don’t know.

Hello how are you? Who said that?

I did.

Look at this, it’s a talking pile of piss. What a loser.

Hey don’t call me a loser at least I’m not covered in shit.

Yeah well at least I’m not a talking pile of piss.

Screw you buddy I got turds and vomit I can talk too!

Why did you do that?

Do what?

Scare him away!

He’s a loser who needs him. A talking pile of piss what a loser. Say can I borrow another flea?

Oh I’m sick of this you ain’t borrowing another flea!

Just one more I know a guy who buys shit.

You been telling me about this guy who buys shit all day now, why don’t you ring him.

I don’t have a phone.

Well go visit him.

Okay maybe I will, maybe I’ll sell all my shit and buy more fleas than you’ll ever have.

You do that. See if I care.

Maybe I will.

They go off in different directions.

Ahh...Why did I lie...I don’t know nobody who wants to buy shit....

You always do this!

What? Who said that? I did! Who said that?

I did on I’m on your shoulder dummy!

What the hell I didn’t know you could talk, you’re a piece of shit!

You been talking to talking piss so what’s the difference?

I guess. I just figured I should act surprised. Anyway, what do you want.

No need to be rude. I could use a friend. You could use a friend. Let’s be friends.

I don’t wanna be friends with no stinking piece of shit!

Fine have it your way, I’m leaving then and I’m taking my friends with me.

Good riddance I got my fleas anyway.

FLEAS: We’re coming with the shit.

What? No you ain’t come back here.

Aw geez I ain’t go no fleas or no shit. I ain’t go nobody.

290000000 AD BC

2011-06-11T03:30:00.000-07:00

She had the whole place blowing. The whole place was literally blowing. It was in dire need of some kind of extra strength roofing; had her hands up in the air the whole time that’s why she missed all your calls it was a party in the USA.

Someone yelled out whose that girl? I think I am in love and it would appear that somehow I have found myself at da club and I have never fallen in love in a club before. At the library yes. At the corner dairy yes. I once fell in love at pet store. Not with a pet of course. Once in....

I think I have named enough examples but the fact of the matter is I have never once ever in my life fallen in love in the club.

She told me she was born this way but I found the sentiment confusing. Surely this cannot have been so. Born a five foot four, fully formed women? Surely not, but it was da club and I cannot stress this enough I was in love with dat girl with dat girl. Something about da club and da love made me start talking this way. I wanted to walk this way but it was different era in which people no longer walked this way or any way for that matter.

The clock, I am told, was tick tocking but it was digital clock which made no sound, which again struck me as an illogical sentiment. But then she said something.... She told me baby I am a firework , baby I am firework she repeated again and again in voice which sounded like a robot drowning in its own tears.

My memory shot back to the fireworks displays my Father put on for me as a child and never once do I remember him lighting the wick of a Katy Perry....But I realise memories fade and blur with age and....But then I realised that she be talking that blah blah blah blah. Undeniably she was a California girl of this I am certain for it said so on her driver’s license. This is the only thing I can ever be sure of.

DAN'S ADVICE COLUMN....PART ONE

2011-05-11T15:53:00.000-07:00

Stressing out constantly in your quest to find "the one"? Going on a series of dates only to be dissapointed again and again....

Don't give up......BUT....Remember this.....

The chances of finding "the one" are rare as shit and the bulk of the time people settle for some average match and delude themselves into thinking their choice is correct whilst finger waving at looser people like me who take such a task with less seriousness and embark largely on one-off sexual escapades--why do they do this? To make themselves feel morally superior and justify their "correct" choice of course!

Do you really want to be one of those people with a partner you find mildly attractive and deep down would like to leave but you're now in so deep short of shooting her/him in the head and heading out on the lam in a stolen sports car becoming some kinda outlaw who robs convenience stores and lives in motels.....You have no choice but to stay?

I am not trying to be an arch cynic and suggest people give up on this quest for "the one" but what I'm saying is a few fucks in the handicap toilet at 3am on a Saturday night never hurt anyone and certainly takes the edge of the insanely super serious and depressing task of finding a life partner.

Wash your hands aftewards (there's a basin right there!).....Use a condom and don't tell your prudish friends and your immediate family....And you'll be fine....First time around you'll need to be shit faced but within time you'll be doing it....

After just one glass of beer!

Sure you might hate yourself from time to time and realise you're permanently damaged goods and have not a flicker of innocence left but hey that's why alcohol and drugs were invented.....Do enough of them and not only will you have erased some of those memories but you'll have created new ones that didn't even happen!

Now tell me that's not WINNING :p

Gigs at The Classic, Auckland

2011-03-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a week of shows at The Classic Comedy Club in Auckland which has now become one of my all-time favourite venues.

new stand-up material

2010-12-22T18:00:00.000-08:00

Tragedy=Profit!!

2010-12-16T23:17:00.000-08:00

The entire nation mourned, and is still mourning for that matter, the dead from the horrific tragedy at the Pike River Mines.

So when the workers at Silver Fern Farms stopped the chain for two minutes silence as a tribute to the fallen from the Pike River Mines, the last thing on their mind would have been their weekly pay cheque.

I mean what can anyone really achieve in two minutes anyway?

Well if you're working on the chain you're never idle, these workers can process two cattle beasts in that amount of time. Which amounts to between 98 cents and a $1.60 per worker. A measely amount of money right? Surely not something a huge company like Silver Fern Farms would be concerned about forking over?

I mean surely no company would be ruthless enough to dock their workers for this right?

Silver Fern Farms did.

Isn't it great to know that not only has New Zealand suffered a terrible tragedy with the Pike River Mining disaster but now Silver Fern Farms have found a way to also profit from it? I mean that's some seriously good business thinking there right? I mean giving them their two minutes worth of pay that'd be something those crazy communists would do!

I say we get together and create some other national tragedy so Silver Fern Farms can profit some more?

So how about a school shooting a la Columbine? How about we fly a couple of planes into the Sky Tower? C'mon people a giant corporation needs a few extra bucks.

Have a little heart.

They're just dogs after all....

2010-12-16T16:56:00.000-08:00

The US killed a death row prisoner with this today....Guess cut backs need to be made somehow right??

Maybe next they'll start feeding the prisoners dog food....Then we find out several politicians have shares in the dog food company....

"The Adventures Of The Kite Family" (SHORT)

2010-12-16T01:13:00.000-08:00

One off four pager "The Adventures Of The Kite Family", art by Yi Lang Chen, script by Dan Brader as featured in "Dunedin Comic Collective" and "Pink Noise".

drowning in the eagles greatest hits

2010-12-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

Tried to get by soley on charm and looks.

Went out every night and only drank waters and somehow befriended damn near the whole bar with his crazy stories and devilish grin.

Always had a different story but it always resulted in the same thing. Free drinks. Free board. Free food. Free sex. Couldn't go back there again though so friends and lovers become one night deals. Promises of repayment were never made. Just I'll see ya around, one quick story to make 'em laugh and then he was off.

It's a big enough city, big enough world wouldn't run into them again if he kept moving. Moving. Always moving. From city to city. State to state. Country to country. He saw it as a kinda a fair deal though, I mean, hell he was fun to be around so it wasn't like they didn't get something for their dollar, it was a show alright he just didn't have no stage. Still it kinda left a shitty feeling inside that he couldn't form normal friendships now coz he was all take and no give.

Still.... Better than the feeling he got when working forty hours a week and taking it in the arse from some shitty boss on some fucking power trip determined to make him hate life as well. Better than the feeling of getting tied down to a little group of people who were gunna judge his actions and lecture him on morality and shit. Sure.... The mooch made you riddled with guilt but at least you had some kind of freedom.

How long could this last for though? Forever if he played it right. Round and around the world over and over doing the same thing. Getting by on the skin of your teeth... No wait it wasn't even his skin or his teeth, he'd borrowed those as well.

Run out of cities and countries but the optimist in him says hey man there's always the solar system. Hitch a ride to the moon, to Mars...Neptune...Wherever you can take me man okay...

Or would he just get too old for this shit? Wind up a pathetic old man hanging out at a bar in Neptune trying to hustle aliens...Finding himself fucked coz they could read all this thoughts before he even had them. The universe wise to every trick he had. The ultimate revenge for a life of taking and trickery.

Stuck on Neptune an old man with a shitty forty hour a week gig cleaning out toilets and collecting glasses at some bar. Now he was the one cleaning up the mess others had left behind. All stories noone wants to hear anymore/yelling at him to stop thinking. Until his head become some bland kinda entertainment system for the masses constantly playing easy listening music instead of thoughts, brain drowning in The Eagles greatest hits, his stories sweating out of his skin along with the dregs of booze he'd swipe from the empties at the end of the night.

Dunedin Xmas show gig

2010-12-02T13:29:00.000-08:00

MCNightClub

2010-11-19T02:02:00.000-08:00

1)I'd kill myself. I think I would. There and then. I'd grab like ten cheeseburgers stick them all in my mouth so I couldn't breath. Stick as many french fries as I could up my nose. That's how I'd do it.

2)I bet it happens. It's not something they'd wanna make a big deal out of and McDonalds being the big huge corporate monster that it is would cover it up somehow but I bet it does happen.

1)It would have to happen. Maybe it was small news story once in like the odd spot or something. But yeah I am sure of it. It would happen. We live in a city of what 100 thou? And it's fucking insane there at 4am from Thursday to Sunday. Yeah, I know it's like the only one in the CBD but even in a big ass city with Maccas scattered all over the place it'd still be fucking mental at 4am on a Friday in like the city centre.

2)What's insane to me about the whole customer service industry is the whole 'customer-is-always-right' type crap. I mean that extends to this. You get this kids who are way beyond fucking drunk, they are off their fucking faces. They can't even walk or talk properely. But they still know they have the power in this situation and they ram it in the faces of those poor bastards working there. I've seen kids throw cheeseburgers over the counter because they forgot to take out the pickle or something and the kid was so drunk he probably didn't even mention the pickle when he ordered it. Sometimes, like the staff, they say that but more often than not they just comply and get him a new cheeseburger. It's insane. And it's endless too...I mean there's just customer after customer whose just impossible to serve. Yet it would never ever occur to management to say "I'm sorry sir you're too drunk you'll have to leave". God forbid them missing out on making two dollars. Fuck. I think if someone spewed up on the floor, they'd just clean it up and then let him order and then clean that up when he spewed that out. Put the spew in a milkshake or something too, like anyone would know the fucking difference.

2)Yeah, it's nuts I mean the whole thing turns into a nightclub by the end of the night anyway...I've seen half naked girls randomly dancing on the tabletops whilst some guy in the corner uses a pile of french fries for a pillow...Get it over with...Just....Make it like a night club, with a cover charge...You pay like $20 to get in and you can get all the food you want, throw a bunch of hamburgers on a table like a buffet or some shit...Hell...Why not set up a fucking dancefloor...Get that purple cunt Grimace or the Hamburgler or something to spin tunes.....People get shit faced eat cheeseburgers, dance, throw up, have sex...Then like 12 months later you take your Maccas-spawned baby into the Maccas kids playground...It's the circle of fucking life....

Pic from Dunedin gig

2010-11-15T00:09:00.000-08:00

Paper-Cock-Scissors

2010-10-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

“Paper-Cock-Scissors”

Due to overpopulation China has gone one step beyond the one child policy.

From now on whenever a child reaches the age of five years old they will have to compete in a paper-rock-scissors competition with the rest of the children from their area. The winners will go on to compete with children from the other areas, until an eventual Chinese champion is crowned. The winner will be allowed to have up to ten children should they wish and will also receive a limited edition drinking mug with pictures of great Chinese rulers of the past on it. The runner-up will be allowed two children. The winners from each city in China will be allowed to have one child each.

Everyone else will be required to become gay for the rest of their natural life. Regular government inspection of their homes will be made to ensure their compliance.

Chinese researchers have found that not only do gays not reproduce but due to their still begrudging acceptance in mainstream culture they often live shorter lives due to stress, anxiety, depression and in many cases die victims of brutal hate crimes.

All members of the government agreed to enter any of their own children under five years old into this nationwide paper-rock-scissors competition.

Criticism of this policy has already erupted but Chinese government officials ask citizens to look to the research of the world-famous Chinese psychologist Yung Li-Chen who is known for his ground breaking research into gay culture—on paper-rock-scissors-which has produced remarkable statistics.

“My research indicates that 92% of gay males pick “rock” with alarming consistency and I would say this is due to the fact that their unconscious mind knows that rock rhymes with cock”, Li-Chen said at a press conference in Beijing today.

Brooks Brothers

2010-10-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

I have always contributed to the world economically speaking and I have always associated with respectable people and I have always avoided partaking in troublesome activities which could be construed as morally dubious, hedonistic and self serving.

I have never once in my life been socially disruptive, self centred or dependent on others.

Financial and emotional dependence are traits which should be abandoned beyond childhood. In my opinion this is a period of life which is so disruptive to the economic fabric, not to mention the lives of hard working citizens, that one should do as I did and find a way to skip childhood altogether. I recommend The Brooks Brothers Childhood Be-Gone Device, which the mother inserts into her stomach during the first month of pregnancy.

I have never once in my life engaged in sexual activities purely for the sake of hedonistic pleasure. I have never ever drunk alcohol in large portions with the express intention to get intoxicated. These are base temptations and those who are led astray morally usually have undeveloped minds like that of a teenager.

I saw the whole teenage period of life as once again superfluous, contributing minimally to the corporate landscape and thus contributing very little to life itself.

Whilst one is supposedly learning as a teenager and possibly working in some sort of part time capacity one is still taking more from society than one is giving back. So I decided to skip my teenage years as well. I recommend The Brooks Brothers Juvenility removal cream which can be inserted into the Mother's vagina during the third trimester.

In fact due to these excellent products from the fine people at Brooks Brothers I arrived into the world a fully formed, functional and contributing member to the economic fabric. My Mother gave birth to a six foot tall blandly handsome man in a pin striped Brookrs Brothers business suit in the middle of a conference call on a Bluetooth device (also made by Brooks Brothers), and once the doctor removed the gelatinous liquids that had stuck to my person I went straight to the office to conduct further business for the fine gentlemen at Brooks Brothers.

the fucking Windabbaballo Herald mate!

2010-09-28T18:09:00.001-07:00

Fucking fucking fucking....Yeah...Guess I better tell yaz all me story and shit...Can't believe the fucking Windabbaballo Herald wants to do a story on me and that...Fucking wrapped...

So me and the fucking lads was liking drinking piss and that on Aussie Day and fucking that fucking Katie Perry fucking came on the fucking radio and that singing that fucking fucking song ya know the fucking one..."I kissed a girl and I liked it"...Fucking kiss me cock and I'll fucking like it said Bazzo...Good call...Fucking lost it at that...Then fucking had a few in me and fucking got out the guitar and that...Fucking just hit me...Fucking started strumming and I sang and I played that song but I changed the fucking fucking words to "I kissed a boy and I didn't like it much, I was bloody drunk looked like a shelia, hope me mates at the pub don't give me shit about it" Fucking all the blokes lost their fucking minds...Fucking spat piss everywhere they was laughin so hard...

So I fucking added more words and shit to it over the next few days coz da boys said it was a pearler and that...Next thing I know the fucking cunts are saying I should audition for Australia's Got Talent or some shit...So I fucking drive over to the fucking Brizzo auditions and fucking wind up getting on the telly and that...Cunts only put me on for like two seconds and it's all fucking bleeped out coz of the kiddies and all that wathcing it earlier on and that....But fucking all the boys see it and then the fucking The Windabbaballo Herald does a story on me...

Fuck eyeball deep in fucking puss and that too down at the pub...Fucking bitches and that all the time now, fucking celeb and shit...Rekcon mightr record an album of parodies and that eh...Emaild Rodney Rude with me artcile too see if the cunt will let me go on the rfucking fucking road wif me and that.

Chuck is art Chuck is life

2010-09-27T21:39:00.001-07:00

It's like Mum and Dad are always like giving me a bad time and that and totally crushing what mad vibe I have going...Man, it's like I have told them...I am an artist...This is what I do....They are always saying I need to work and finish my fucking economics degree but this will only interfer with the artistic process which is a 24/7 kind of a deal you know...

Got these pals who are all like in bands and doing acting and writing and shit and they're like making money and connections and things and they're like 'Chuck why aren't you putting your art out there? Chuck are you even creating art?' And I'm like....You don't understand.....The way I dress...The way I am...Is art...I am a mobile performance art piece....

Which is like way beyond what they could even comprehend....

Besides it's all about the ideas....I have so many....I think they just can't relate because they come from lower soci-economic backgrounds...I think it is a fact that art in the future will be made by workers but the ideas will be generated by the upper class...I am told MGMT were from a wealthy background so yeah....I don't have the time to be creating...I live a very busy social life and with my 24/7 mobile performance art too yeah...So I am seeking artists/workers to turn my ideas into art...Email me at Chuckisartartislifelifeischuck@hotmail.com

economics of dog care

2010-09-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

I have been involved with many networking opportunities and I have created a residual income and become financially secure. Yes I have achieved admirable success much to the delight of my family members and romantic partner and my pets also, who benefit from this through the conduit of high quality dog food and first rate animal care.

See below a portrait I had commissioned by a local artist (paid for said portrait with my aforemenioned investments) of me and one of my pets. You will notice I am not wearing socks. I was at home and I wished to relax, such is my whim. Please also notice the contentment and shiny coat of the animal.

Business Is My Pleasure!

2010-09-21T05:18:00.000-07:00

Oh Golly...Such a great weekend! Such variety! Promotion! Work drinks! Friend's birthday party (from work)....BBQ (friends from work).....Can't wait to tell people at work...(Chuckles heartily)...I type that then I realise they were all there! Bloody heck....Workmates truly are mates :)

No work needed there! Business or pleasure? Business is my pleasure!

Baby on the way. Money in the bank. House paid off. Twenty different ties now too... Actually a lot of them from rather large companies from all around the world we deal with on a day to day basis. Multi million dollar accounts.

Oh and more productivity on Sunday...Which I spent with the wife culling from my Facebook anybody who would reflect a negative influence in my life in order to keep with the correct image a high level executive such as myself should present... In fact it's now just work friends, people from companies we deal with (have posted pics with me wearing all the ties of course and tagged them! Have to say this was Shirley's idea...Where would I be without Shirley?), family (not brother Tim though, the black sheep....bloody cynical, anti-social "artist" I hear he's still bludging off poor old Dad) and my wife and two boys of course! Get off facebook Sean you're supposed to be studying mate!!(Chuckles heartily)

Oh golly life is going swell.

But I did see a commericial for those poor children in Africa. Really is quite sad. Still as Shirley says it's not our fault.

Alright, ahhh...Work never ends... Better get back to these reports...But I love it work is truly my mate. And all my work mates are my mates!!

Yours sincerely,

Rex J Smith

Senior Sales Executive At Majesto Enterprises
Level 22, 225 Hay Street, Perth, Australia.
RexJSmith@majestoenterprises.com.au

Charles F Highbopper

2010-09-11T16:27:00.001-07:00

I want you, I actually NO... YOU WANT TO, come see my latest solo comedy show at this year's off the fringe festival in Sydney's under underground scene (transport provided to dig you into the centre of the earth, it's like those machines shredder and the gang had in TMNT)...Anyway the show, so you know who I am of course you've seen me at The Dungeon (backpackers in Sydney CBD)....I'm Charles F Highbopper....Writer, poet, alternative fashion photographer comedian, sexual adventurer and undergound, alternative, too bad for authority, folk hero to the mins and masses (fuck the masses but they keep wanting to see the bad arse shit that spills from my pen and mouth). This year's show is called TOO BAD FOR THE MIKE: YOU FEAR ME BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BUT YOU WANT TO BE ME OR BE WITH ME.

Okay so techincally it's my first show but to be honest I'm a massive underground STAR and even though I've only done like TWENTY gigs and yeah they've all become legendary in fact I once had three people in one night come up to me and say good gig. Nuff said. Already fucked three girls from shows too so yeah. Legend born and living forever. See the show. Tickets online at www.toobadforthemike.com

Gig in Dunedin, NZ

2010-09-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

Big In Japan

2010-06-29T21:11:00.001-07:00

What the hell is going on. I was looking at my blog the other day and was stoked to see I had something crazy like 45 comments altogether on various different articles/stories etc I had written.

Maybe all this blogging is paying off, I thought Maybe it's not just my delusional, drug-addled mind that thinks these new stories have some merit. Maybe I have found a new calling.

Maybe it's writing I should devote my life to and not the constant approval of drunk, random strangers (as a stand-up comedian) in bars but the constant approval of invisible strangers on the internet whose disapproving faces I can't see when they read my scribblings.

But then I look at the comments I’ve been getting and see that 98% of them are written in what appears to be Japanese (I could be wrong here but definitely some sort of Asian language).

Now it's nice to be appreciated by people from Japan or wherever they maybe from (and I'm fully aware some out of control PC do-gooders now think I'm being racist but they can all get fucked. I'm not ). But the point is I can't read whatever language they are posting in.

So I have no idea if they're even commenting on my stuff, if they're trying to sell me viagra or, worse yet, they're writing to tell me I have a recently-deceased relative somewhere I've never met before and has some multiply-foreign-sounding name, who wants to leave me 12 million dollars in their will and could they please have my credit card details because they can't do a bank transfer.
But the point is, if they are genuinely trying to communicate with me, why don't they write it in English, given what I've written on my blog is in English?

Am I right here? Or have I just been indoctrinated with that arrogant Western mentality that assumes everybody in the world must communicate in English?

I doubt very much they are commenting anyway. I think they're just trying to sell me stuff I don't want. But at the same time who knows?

Maybe I do genuinely have a massive fan base somewhere in Asia. I will never know if I'm big in Japan … or if someone in Japan just wants me to be "big" or, worse still, if poor old uncle Fritz Yamashita III just passed away.

Wanaka, New Zealand

2010-06-27T03:56:00.000-07:00

Death Star Canteen Radio Feature!

2010-06-22T00:54:00.000-07:00

Hey,
check the link below for a radio feature on my comedy room The Death Star Canteen!

http://soundcloud.com/danielbrader/death-star-canteen-radio-feature-feat-dan-brader-dean-eizenberg-charles-barrington-and-more

The Story Of Bob And Pete

2010-06-20T02:33:00.001-07:00

(art by Nat Litras)

THE STORY OF BOB AND PETE
(1ST DRAFT)
BY DAN BRADER

CHAPTER ONE

This is a story about a couple of brothers called Bob and Pete. Bob and Pete are the poorest men in the town of Dirt. They are so poor they live in a little shack together. They share the same bed. They have no TV or radio. They only have one book which they have to share.They only have one toilet which they have to share. Bob and Pete aren’t twins but they’re bladders must be twins because they always need to go to the toilet at the same time.

Bob and Pete are the poorest men in town but it doesn’t stop them looking for love. But because they are so used to doing everything together Bob and Pete always go on double dates. But because they can only afford to go on one double date a year they have to be picky. But it’s hard to be picky when you’re the poorest men town.

One day they counted up the coins they had found on the ground and realised they had just enough to take some girls on a double date. They only had enough money to go out for a meat pie and a coke. They had to chop the meat pies in quarters though so each of them could have a bit. They put four straws in the can of coke. The girls offered to help pay but they wouldn’t hear of it. Bob and Pete might be the poorest men in town but they’re also gentlemen.

The date went well. The girls came back to Bob and Pete’s shack. Bob and Pete started kissing their girls. One thing lead to another and then Bob and Pete realized they only had one condom. They had an awkward, hushed conversation about this matter. What could they do? Would only one of them use it? Would one use it and then the other one use it after? They came inside and told the girls the options. The girls again said they would be happy to buy another condom. Bob and Pete turned them down, even though they are the poorest men in town they’re gentlemen. The girls said unless they got another condom they would have to go. Bob and Pete said the girls would have to go home then.

Bob and Pete desperately wanted to find love. So they decided to throw caution to the wind and spend what little money they could find on double dates and nothing else. But the same thing happened every time. All these pies and cokes had made Bob and Pete even poorer than before, they had to sell their only book .So they decided to give up on dating for a while and to keep themselves entertained they counted cracks on the ceiling. One of the cracks looked a bit like a girl which got them through many a lonely night.

Then one day Bob went to go the toilet, of course Pete followed. Then Bob decided to lie down for a bit and then of course Pete wanted to lie down as well. Normally this didn’t bother Bob, he was used to it but today it was getting on his nerves. Why did have to share everything and do everything with his brother? It would be nice to have his own bed. It would be nice to use the toilet alone. It seemed like he had to do everything with Pete. It seemed like he never got a minute alone.

Bob thought to himself, I’ll go for a walk that is something I can do alone. He told Pete he was going for a walk. I’ll join you said Pete. No, no I’d like to walk alone Bob said. But I felt like going for a walk too said Pete. No I’d really like to be alone if that’s okay. Well I’d like to go for a walk so I’ll just walk a bit behind you and if you get lonely just sing out and I’ll catch up with you said Pete. No! I just want to walk by myself! We don’t have to do everything together do we! Pete was shaken it wasn’t like Bob to yell at him, okay he said you go for a walk then I’ll just stay here and read said Pete. Bob didn’t even answer he just stormed out the door.

Bob had angry thoughts on his walk. He is driving me crazy! Why do we have to do everything together? I know we are poor and must share our belongings but it’s like he wants to do everything together, I can’t even go for a simple little walk without him wanting to tag along. Bob had arrived at the playground of an old abandoned school. He often came here with Pete and played on the swings. Bob swang himself angrily back and forth and thought to himself someday I will have enough money to live alone or maybe I will be lucky and met a nice girl and live with her. Money that is all that is stopping me, I love my brother but I don’t want to share everything I want my own things and my own life and someday I will have my own life.

What was wrong with Bob thought Pete. He seemed irritable all day; it was like every time they went to do something together he didn’t want me there. Pete didn’t know why Bob got angry. Pete loved to share and to do things with his brother. No matter how poor they were at least they had each other, this was the thought that got Pete through the most difficult days.

One night Pete was counting cracks in the ceiling when he got bored and started looking at their mop in the corner. All of a sudden he had an idea. He told Bob his idea, Bob didn’t like it at first but after much convincing he decided this was, if nothing else, an economically sound idea.

Pete used the mop as a wig and smeared his lips with a red crayon. He was to be the girl tonight. Bob still found the scenario quite unconvincing but Pete did do a good impression of a girl and he kept reminding himself how all those pies and cokes had cost him a book.

Bob thought alcohol would have made this easier but they couldn’t afford alcohol so he spent most of their night together with his eyes closed stroking Pete’s hair.

This soon became part of their nightly routine. Bob didn’t think this was the best of situations and he didn’t much like pretending to be a girl. Then Pete said he was happy to be the girl every night and as time wore on he did make a more and more convincing girl. But this didn’t assuage Bob. Sure they were saving money but this wasn’t quite right and required more imagination than he possessed. All this over a pie and coke, things certainly were tough being the poorest men in town.

CHAPTER TWO

One day Bob was walking to the bakery. He was thinking to himself how he was sick of all this. Sick of sharing everything with Pete and sick of this bizarre nightly routine they were stuck in. There had to be a way out. He walked into the bakery. Sometimes when he was lucky the baker would give him a day old loaf of bread to eat. He was waiting in line when he noticed the old lady in front of him had her handbag . Bob had never stolen before but his mind kept thinking of how desperate his situation was. She was old, he was still young. He needed the money more than she did. It was a one off deal. He’d never do it again he reasoned. Bob looked around the bakery and slowly put his hand into the old lady’s handbag and grabbed the wallet out and walked out of the shop. He walked slowly until he was a couple of shops past the bakery and then he ran as fast as he could. He ran and ran until he ran out of breath. He stopped and opened up the wallet and counted the money. There was $50 inside!

Bob worked out that now he would have $25 to spend and Pete would have $25 to spend. Then Bob started thinking again about how he hated sharing everything with Pete. He had to share the toilet, the bed, the food and now Pete was pretending to be a woman in order to save money. This had to end.

Bob didn’t want to lie completely though. He hated to tell lies. So he told Pete that he had found $10 and he bought another mop with the $10. At first Pete thought that Bob shouldn’t have bought another mop as they could have used that money on food and other things but then he realised that having a second mop to use soley as a wig was a good idea as he knew he would feel more feminine without having flies buzzing around his dirty hair.

Little did Pete know that his brother still had $40 left. Bob had never told a lie to Pete and had always done everything with his brother. But he knew this had to change. He had to start thinking about himself. $40 would buy many a pie and coke. But how could he see girls behind Pete’s back? He would have to sneak out at nights when Pete was asleep.

Bob went out on several dates and Pete never knew. Every night he would go through their nightly routine in the knowledge he would be going out on dates afterwards. He hated their nightly routine, particularly now that he knew he had options. Every night Pete seemed to get more and more into it though. Bob tried to reassure himself that this was just because of their desperate poverty.

Bob was having fun on his dates but they never went very far. Once the girl found out how poor he was they wouldn’t want to see him again. He thought about lying but he wanted a girl who would love him for who he truly was. He was hurt at how much these girls were concerned by money. One girl even had the cheek to ask for her own coke! Why couldn’t they just see he was a good person who had love in his heart?

Meanwhile Pete had taken to wearing the mop and red crayon lipstick all the time, he had even fashioned his own dress from a pair of shorts. Pete tried to claim he thought it was easier to just stay “in character” all the time but Bob was getting worried.

Bob opened up his wallet one night whilst sneaking out for a date and realized this would have to be his last date. He hoped it would go well. He had met this girl at a Soup Kitchen, they had a delightful chat. They had a lot in common. They were both poor and they both had a sibling. In fact there was a possibility she was poorer than he was, she was so poor she couldn’t even afford to have a name.
He met the poor girl without a name at the pie shop. She was so poor she had only ever once been out for a pie and a coke but that was a long time ago. She had been living on a diet of soup made from tears. The sight of the pie and coke made her so happy Bob decided to let her have the whole pie and coke to herself! She was a very nice girl, she insisted Bob have some too. Bob wouldn’t hear of it. But she insisted and insisted but Bob wouldn’t budge. She ended up leaving half of her pie. They sat there in silence pushing the pie back and forth across the table. Then she pushed the pie too hard and it landed on the ground, gravy and meat splashed all over the one shoe that Bob was wearing. They looked at Bob’s messy shoe and started to laugh and laugh. The poor girl without a name put her hand on Bob’s hand and looked deeply into his eyes.

CHAPTER THREE

Bob managed to sneak out every night for weeks on end to meet with the poor girl without a name. They couldn’t afford to go out for pie and coke again but they had so much fun anyway. All they needed was each other.

Pete knew something was wrong. He was feeling more and more like a woman every day and was happy with this. But Bob wasn’t a very convincing lover he kept staring into space and his kisses lacked passion. Sometimes he would try and come up with reasons for not going through their nightly routine. Then one night Pete had a horrible nightmare and woke up in the middle of the night to tell Bob about it and to his surprise he realized Bob wasn’t there! Where could he be? Pete left the house and went looking for Bob, he looked all over the neighbourhood but couldn’t find him anywhere. He was just about to give up when he thought I'll look in the old abandoned school, maybe he's playing on the swings.

Meanwhile, Bob and the poor girl without a name had found a bottle half a bottle of Johnny Walker on a street corner and the booze had made them so happy they decided to get married then and there. They asked all the bums in the neighborhood if they knew a priest. Eventually they were pointed in the direction of a priest who was happy to marry them for free . Bob wasn’t even sure if he was a priest he just looked like a drunk old man with his shirt on backwards.

They were just beginning the ceremony when Bob saw Pete walking towards them. Now now he thought. Not now. I wanted to tell him in my own way the last thing I want is a scene. But Pete certainly made a scene as he stormed up to the wedding party wearing his mop for a wig, his mouth smeared with red crayon lip stick and his shorts fashioned into a skirt. He yelled at Bob! What is this all about he said! Bob said I am getting married what does it look like! Pete said how could you get married and not tell me about it! I didn’t even know you had a girlfriend! We don’t have any money for pies and cokes, how did this happen!” Bob sat Pete down and told him the whole story, about the money and the dates and everything.Pete listened to the story and started crying and crying. Bob apologized again and again but asked Pete why wasn’t he happy for him? Sure he had told a few lies but he had found love. Pete turned to Bob and said “I have found love too”. Bob hugged his brother and said “that’s great, I am so happy for you, tell me all about her and please take off that stupid wig!” Pete reached into his pocket and put something into Bob’s hand, Bob looked down and said what is this? Pete told him they were a couple of old onion rings he had found in a bin. Bob said what are they for? Pete told him they are our wedding rings. Bob said that is so thoughtful of you but I don’t understand I thought you didn’t know about me and the girl? Who told you about us?. Pete looked his brother hard in the eye and said “they were meant for us. I was going to ask you to marry me tomorrow but now you’ve gone and ruined it all!”

Bob tried to console Pete, “Pete you’ve lost your mind, you’re not a woman! We’re brothers, this has gone on for too long. This is what poverty does to a man it makes him think he’s a woman and it makes him want to marry his brother, well actually that’s what poverty’s done to you it just makes most people sad and desperate.” Pete said to Bob “ Yes I know it’s not ideal but at least it’s honest. I thought we could be happy but you’ve gone out and found a real girl. I only wish you’d have given me half that money then we could have found a girl each but you were selfish. Why were you selfish? I was willing to be a girl for you and to marry you to make us happy but you on the other hand…”. “I know Pete, I know how you must feel but listen to yourself! You’re not living in reality Pete! You’re not a woman! You’re my brother and I can’t marry my brother. I think this is all for the best Pete. I will live my life and you will live your life. This is how it is meant to be. I hope that you find love and I hope you forgive me for keeping the money a secret and I hope that you will find help Pete, you need help..” Pete began to cry “I don’t forgive you Bob! I don’t know if I ever will! Look at what money has done to you! First you stole to get it, then you deceived your brother and now you are talking of us being apart! You have forgotten about family and about love. You are the one who needs help. I have accepted my lot in life without stealing and without lying. I was happy being a woman and I’m still happy being a woman. Poverty has made me realise this. One day hopefully I will have enough money for an operation but if I never do this mop and crayon will have to do. I hope you have a happy life with your wife. I will say goodbye now and it will be forever. I am going off to live somewhere far far away from you”. "Don’t go Pete, don’t go! Yelled Bob! But Pete ran off into the distance.

Bob tossed and turned that night in bed with his wife. Sure he had met the love of his life and was married but he had hurt his poor brother and things would never be the same again. Was the poor girl with no name really worth it all? Bob wasn’t sure if he could live without his brother.

He told his wife all about his brother and how he had deceived him and how he had reacted. She was very understanding. She was disappointed that he had lied and stole but she understood his desperation and she knew that had he not done what he had done they would never have met. He told her that he would pay the old lady back someday. She believed him and knew he was a good man but in a way she felt it tarnished their relationship. They had become man and wife through dishonest means, from stolen money and lies.

Meanwhile Pete had taken what few belongings he had and left their shack. He planned to walk and walk until he couldn’t walk anymore and wherever he wound up that would be his home. He didn’t care where it was just as long as it was far far away from his brother.

CHAPTER FOUR:

The girl with no name held Bob in her arms. Bob was crying. “I can’t believe what I have done! What have I done!” Bob was saying over and over. The girl with no name stroked Bob’s hair and said “There....There Bob....There...There....Don’t let him ruin our first night together as man and wife...” Bob looked his wife deep in the eyes and said “Will you love me until the end of time?” and the girl with no name looked him deep in the eyes and said “I will love you like no other.”

Bob tried to bring up the topic of his brother Pete again and again at the dinner table but the girl with no name didn’t want to hear it. “Your brother is a crazy man! He thinks he is a woman and he wanted to marry you! He wanted to marry his own brother! He is not right in the head. You need to be far far away from him.” She said. “I know, I know but I can’t help but thinking he’s my brother....I have done him wrong...” Bob said. The girl with no name slammed her fist down on the dining table. “You always bring up your stupid brother and every time we have the same argument! If you had followed after your brother where would you be? Trapped inside some crazy inhuman relationship or best case scenario spending your entire life trying to talk sense into his crazy head! You didn’t see the way he looked at me that day. I swear on my life I was scared. He looked crazy. He looked as if he would kill me given have a chance!” she said. “You don’t know him! He went a little bit loony there is no doubt of that but he is a good man. He wouldn’t kill a fly. He’s just a little different. Can’t you see that?” Bob said. “Fine then....Go off and live with your crazy brother....See if I care....I hope you are both happy....” the girl with no name said as she stormed out of the dining room, slamming the door behind her. Bob stared at his bowl of beans and rice and began to cry. He didn’t want to leave his loving wife but he missed his brother, oh how he missed Pete.

Pete had been walking now for four whole days , never stopping for longer than twenty minutes to rest. The walk was a horrible ordeal .It had rained and hailed along the way and he had been freezing cold. He was so cold he took off his mop-wig and used it as a scarf. He found himself rubbing off the crayon-lipstick into the face of the old mattress he had carried with him. The old mattress he and Bob had spent many a night together on. So many nights they had spent together. But it had all been a lie, one big lie.

He found his legs giving way as he entered a new town. There was a big yellow sign with the paint peeling off on it. The sign said “You’re here...At the town of “Hate”...I hope you die here”. Pete looked at the sign and thought yes this is where I belong, in a town called hate. He looked at the sign and he yelled at the top of his lungs “Yes I am here town of Hate and yes, yes I will die here!” and he began to laugh and laugh until eventually the laughter turned into tears.

Pete fell asleep by the town sign but woke to the piercing sound of a dog barking like crazy. He looked up and saw a giant black dog baring its teeth at him. The dog was on a leash held by a giant man who must have been seven foot high and had a gigantic ginger beard and only one big black eye which was perched on the end of his long, red nose. “Welcome to the town of Hate” the man said and then he laughed and walked off, kicking dirt into Pete’s face as he left.

Pete spent the day gathering things for a new home. He used old newspapers and sticks to build his house. He used an old cardboard box for a toilet. He threw the old mattress down on the ground and threw his overcoat on it for a blanket.

That first night in his new home he found himself sitting on the toilet alone. It was weird being on the toilet alone . He had more room which was nice but he liked it when his brother was next to him, sometimes they would play paper, rock, scissors to pass the time if their bowels were acting up.

He couldn’t seem to get off the toilet. It wasn’t that his bowels were playing up it was just that he didn’t want to lie on the mattress. The mattress he had shared with his brother. He kept replaying and replaying memories of his brother. He kept telling his mind to stop but it wouldn’t. He just kept staring at the mattress and thinking about the past.

The next morning he took the mattress and threw it in an old alleyway, thinking some poor tramp would find it. He’d never sleep with that mattress in his house. It was time to start a new life with new possessions and with nothing that would remind him of his horrible, deceitful brother who had chosen a stranger over his own flesh and blood to spend his life with.

Pete found himself adjusting to this new life slowly but surely. The nights were the worst. He just couldn’t sleep. But during the day he would keep himself occupied by wandering the streets. The town of “Hate” was filled with ugly, disgusting people who would stare at him but he found if he looked at the ground or avoided eye contact with the people he would be okay.

One day he was looking through a garbage bin when he found an old children’s book. A lot of the pages were missing but you could still follow the story and most importantly the book was filled with bright and colourful pictures which reminded Pete of better times. Pete found himself reading the children’s book again and again and again.

He searched the bins hoping to find another but he never did. Still, I have one book that is all I really need he thought. Two books is just greedy. I like this story and I can read it again and again he thought to himself. I must never be greedy like my brother Bob he thought to himself.

(MORE TO COME...)

Film Review "The Last Picture Show" (review written 2004)

2010-06-18T20:45:00.001-07:00

Idea for short cartoon about "Flyering"

2010-06-16T19:11:00.000-07:00

Idea for short cartoon.......

A nerdy, skinny comedian with thick, retro black glasses, longish black hair and a T-shirt with "The Cure" written on it is outside the Melbourne town hall flyering....A couple of lads come up to him, they're drinking out of VB cans and eating hot chips....

NC: (wavering voice, obviously using language he doesn't use/pandering) Hey...uhhh....Bros....You should totez come and see my comedy show....Here's a flyer...I think you'd get some belly laughs out of it eh!

Lad 1 (inspecting flyer): Fucken....There's a lot of cunts doing shows in here eh?

NC: Uhh, yes that's true....Good point bro....

Lad 2: Doesn't even look like a funny cunt....Just looks weird...Fucking Buddy Holly glasses like a fag and shit...

Lad 1: Well why should me and the boys spend our coin seeing a cunt like you then when there's blokes of the telly and that on?

Lad 2: Yeah make us laugh cunt....

NC: Umm, well good point...But you see it doesn't really work like that you see umm...But if you read my...uhh...Flyer you'll see I got some very good reviews....You can see here The Age compared me to, umm, ahh, Eddie Izzard.....

Lad 1: (grabs flyer) also says here..."The Herald Sun" compared you to....(squints) a fucken cunt!!

Lads high five each other and take a swing of their VBS....

NC: Umm...Yes....Amusing....Good one...(laughs awkwardly)...But I think you would...Umm....Like my show....I do a lot of...Umm...Impersonations of people on the TV...Umm....You watch TV don't you? We all like the TV don't we lads?

Lad 1: Fucken yak yak....Course we watch TV, are you saying we dumb or something? Ya know what your problem is mate? No funny mate....Yak....Yak...Yak....Where's the funny mate?

Lad 2: Where's the funny?

Lad 1 (lifting up NC's T-shirt): Doesn't look like it's under here!

Lad 2 (pulling down NC's pants): Doesn't look like it's under here either!!

NC is now shirtless and standing in boxers with pants down...Tries to put pants back up but Lad 1 pushes his foot down on the pants so he can't get them up....Lad 2 grab his T-shirt and wipes his nose with it and throws it back at him....NC fyers have all fallen on the ground now....

NC: Ummm....Can you just....I don't think my show would appeal to you anyway....Umm....I better talk to those people over there (goes to walk off--lads stand in his way)

Lad 1: Aw fucken why's that? Coz it's unfunny shit?

Lad 2: Or is it coz you're gay cunt?

Lad 1: Fucken probably both.... (grabs flyer again) Look here...Quote from "The Scotsman" here says "a fucken unfunny cunt"....(throws flyer on the ground and stamps on it)

Lad 2: Good one mate....(High fives) Hey comedian cunt...You know before you asked if we watch the telly and that? Well...You know what my favourite show is?

NC: Umm...Let me guess...The Footy Show (groans)....

Lad 2: Fucken getting smart cunt....Standing there in ya boxers getting lippy are ya?

Lad 1: Know what my favourite show is? Do you? Do you? Well it's....Hey...(punches NC in the guys) Hey....(punches him again) It's a Punch In The Guts!

Lads high five...

NC is holding his stomach and wheezing, collapses on the ground in a heap....His flyers have fallen all around him....

Lad 1: Fucken that's a good one mate....That's fucken comedy gold!

NC is collapsed in heap crying....

Lads walk off laughing.....

NC: Wait come back.....

Lad 1: Fucken ballsy cunt what you want now? (unzips fly and starts pissing on him)

NC: (whilst being pissed on) Take this (hands him a flyer)....Take this and say the password "Robert Smith" and you'll get a two for one deal.....Pass...(wheezing) it on (wheezing) to some mates if you don't want to go....

THE END....

Don't Piss On Buskers

2010-06-06T00:32:00.000-07:00

"Don't Piss On Buskers"

I rang some big arse soulless corporation the other day and as per usual had to go through a series of questions with a pre-recorded voice--it surely won't be long until fully automated robots are working in call centres. Hopefully we'll get maids too like Rosie in “The Jetsons” . Anyway, then I had to listen to some crappy piped-in music, that's supposedly soothing but in actuality sounds errie, like you're stuck inside some sort of telephone based mental institute.

You see all these buskers in the street making next to nothing standing for hours on end in the cold and heartless centre of the city. How cool would it be if one of these companies paid these buskers to provide the on-hold music? They could pay them something crappy like $9 an hour too but with free coffee maybe? It'd probably work out better for the buskers in the long run and they'd be working in a nice air conditioned environment rather than a shabby street corner. Probably wind up being more expensive for the corporations but c'mon they make heaps of cash surely they could help the little guy out by providing him with a slightly less soul destroying job than normal?

Or better still ditch the whole machine system at the start (call centre part) and get the buskers to do that as well. That way it's not all just “art” and they're doing actual "work" too. The corporations could pick the music too. So obviously it'd be mainstream dribble but again at least you're playing music and getting paid. Maybe if you did the late shift and you got someone cool on the other end you could play a My Morning Jacket song?

Then again the corporate pricks would probably record all the calls, but then again they'd never have time to listen to them all.... It'd be worth a shot....Plus you could argue if that's what the customer wanted then you were just doing your job.

Because it's a live format the person on the other end could provide applause/abuse/random punching of buttons to pierce the busker's ears, which is no worse than the usual grief they'd cop on the street corner.

At least nobody on the phone can drunkenly throw a half eaten cheeseburger at you, spill beer all over you and then top it off by taking a piss on you.

So I guess the moral of the story is: don’t piss on buskers.

Toowoomba and Australian comedy.

2009-11-01T05:12:00.000-08:00

(In pic above) TOOWOOMBA GANG: GARRET MCKEEN, NICK JONES, ME, RICHY PRICE!

Good times, good times....(As a hack comedian would say when struggling onstage as a way of alievating the tension through the use of mock confidence)...Yes, good times were had in Toowoomba! I just got back from this Queensland town after a couple of sweet gigs and thought I'd write a few words about this small but vibrant comedy scene and how it relates to comedy in Australia...

First off....Two words...Richard Price!

This young chap (eighteen or nineteen years old!) is making Toowoomba comedy happen through sheer passion and determination!

Pricey organises ALL the gigs in the area. He has an insane knowledge of comedy and basically lives and breathes and smokes and eats comedy 24/7. He's already got in some big name Brisbane acts to play his venues and recently had John Robertson (one of Perth's best acts) in and then I came over from Melbourne and did my thing and had a lot of fun. The local comics were all a lively, friendly bunch, a joy to work with and the crowds were up for it too. Couldn't have asked for more.

Toowoomba's local talent is strong...

Pricey has got together a group of young comedians who are passionate and talented...

I talked to young comics who carry around notebooks constantly jotting down new ideas. I talked to a young comic who told me how he's gunna make it no matter what, with a strong look in his eye and a firm handshake, I have no doubt he will.

And they're doing it tough....

In a small place like Toowoomba, these guys are only able to put on gigs once a month or so. With a lot of the same punters coming to watch them too they have to come up with new material fast. They don't have the luxury we have in Melbourne and the bigger centres that have a variety of rooms and bigger populations, which allow you to repeat the same material for longer stretches.

So as a result most of these dudes have only done a handful of gigs but impressively they have already built up some solid material and stage confidence and an abillity to deal with hecklers.

Impressive stuff!

It looks like Pricey and this gang are gunna keep rockin' too with more gigs planned in Toowoomba and now some gigs in the Red Cliff region as well...Fucken great to see...

It just proves to me that it's all about passion and deterimination (yes, back to that old chestnut again!), if you want something badly enough you'll get it (if you wanted cliches badly well you just got a couple from me right here too!).

Anyway writing deconstruction aside...What I'm saying is that Richard Price and the gang in Toowoomba want comedy to happen and it's happening there.

I did just the two gigs (one MC, one headline) there but both gigs drew solid crowds and most of the punters I talked to had been to other Pricey gigs, so these cats are developing a cult following.

This is what I want to see!!!

If every every town in Australia could develop this kind of thing how great would that be??

Imagine if comedians could tour the whole of the country in clubs not just theatres!

Sure you can tour everywhere if you're a big name act like Arj Barker or Will Anderson who can sell out a theatre but if you're not at that level short of the major centres you're not gunna be able to get that many gigs really. Certainly nowhere near as much as you could in say England or America where there are comedy clubs everywhere.

If more cats like Pricey and the Toowoomba gang start popping up then Australian comedy is only going to be better for it. If you wanna make a living from comedy and if you wanna get really good at this game you gotta gig gig gig gig as much as you can in as many different environments as you can.

We are a massive country filled with enterprising, confident, lively people who make great comedy.

If more people living in small towns say to themselves "fuck this I'm gunna make comedy happen here!" and follow Pricey's lead then I can't see any reason to leave this fine country. I love it here and I don't want to leave but I want to be a stand-up comedian who makes his living from stand-up and gigs all the time.

So let's make it happen and then Aussies and Kiwis who are super serious about gigging round the clock and making a life and a career out of stand-up comedy will have no reason to leave to the U.K or the States.

Nick Sun once said "doing comedy in Australia is like wanking over a retarded child, it's a fun hobby but you can't make a living from it!". Through this incredibly vulgar and dark piece of comedy Nick is telling some kind of dark truth (Nick is one of the few comedians who consistently tells the brave, honest, naked truth in this country and in this world).

It is unfortunately very, very difficult to make a living from it in Australia unless you dabble in TV, Radio and other media or run several comedy rooms as well as constant gigging.

It's not like Britain or the US where you can make a living just from being a working stand-up.

But I believe it can be done though.

It just requires a lot of people who are willing to fight the good fight and bring on the revolution.

Let's hope more Priceys start popping up around the country eh?

"The Nut"

2009-10-25T22:51:00.000-07:00

(Drawing by Trav Nash)
"The Nut"

Here's an idea for a TV show...Sort of a crazy, short (5-10 min episodes) animated sitcom in the Adult Swim vein of absurdist comedy...

The show is all about a young slacker dude plays the tambourine in a band but most of the time misses his gigs and stays at home getting stoned watching movies and eating cereal at odd hours. The first episode would follow him on a typical day, waking up around twelve, missing band pratice, eating cereal, watching music videos, falling asleep and then receiving a call from his band-mates saying he missed not only rehearsal but their big gig tonight and he's now out of the band.

We then follow him as he gets even more lazy. He is constantly scratching his left nut and during these lazy days he begins to experience a slight pain. Then one day he goes to the bathroom and looks down and notices his left nut has grown a small mouth, a moustache, smoking a pipe, and is talking away at him, telling him to get his life in order and if he won't the nut will take matters into his own hands so to speak. The nut speaks in a pompous and educated tone and takes life very seriously. He wears a bathrobe and slippers and reading glasses at night when studying his notes.

He ignores the nut but it keeps pestering him while he's watching TV etc. Then one day he wakes up and finds himself in a court room with the nut hanging out of his pants now practicing law!

From then on the show is about the struggle between the lazy body and the motivated, studious left nut who has become a highly successful lawyer in a very prestigious law firm. Whilst the body wants to bum around all day, go to parties and concerts at night, the left nut wants to study law cases at night, go to work during the day etc...Whenever they are at a party or something the body wants to do the nut pops out and says "can you please keep it down to a low roar! Some of us have the Morris case to attend to in the morning!". The nut always seems to be working on the Morris case, a very important case, which appears to have no end in sight.

The nut gets a wife and kids, a house and rises and rises in his law firm, all the while fighting the body to get up in the morning etc, the body is constantly falling asleep in court cases, eating cereal, playing the tambourine etc much to the chagrin of the studious nut. Whilst the body is always wanting to go to parties late at night and on the weekend whilst the nut is always complaining and telling the body off and the other people the body hangs out with and prattling on and on about the importance of the Morris case which is always happening the next morning.

In case you are wondering 'well what about the left nut?' I'll let you know he becomes a character in latter seasons. The right nut rebels against being part of a such a wacky, absurdist and completely uncommericial TV show and becomes a detective on a lame CSI style spin off show. The show then cuts back and forth between this cheesy CSI cop show and the wacky, absurdist show about the lawyer testicle. The cock also becomes a character and begins hosting his own "The View" style chat show discussing important women's issues and such.

New video

2009-10-14T06:37:00.000-07:00

New video below of me performing two new bits and one oldie....

ArtsHub Review

2009-10-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

Me and Travis Nash!

He's Some Sort of Bloody Social Commentator

By Bernadette Burke ArtsHub | Friday, October 09, 2009

In a comedy world that can be a bit ‘same-y’, Dan Brader dares to be different. Of course, like Baby in Dirty Dancing before him, being different can get you into trouble sometimes; so let’s be honest here, no one puts Brader in a corner, but this show will be met with mixed responses.

What the man definitely has talent for is, unashamedly brutal character impersonations. There’s no mistaking the stereotypical sound of a drunk, beefy man trying to be articulate, but cover your eyes and you wouldn’t guess that voice was coming from a skinny white guy wearing a Faith No More T-shirt. (Apparently he’s one twenty-seventh Maori, so he’s allowed to do this one.) There’s nothing more annoying than the high pitched voice of a teenage girl telling you why she loves a magic show, or a Bogan on a train, but Brader does them so well, it’s a little bit worrying at times. When these characters start talking to each other, it’s really scary.

Not to say that it’s just the Bogans or young ‘uns getting a bashing. A medical scientist, Richie Benaud and even Bert Newton get a run for their money. Brader at least labels himself correctly; he is an observant social commentator. He seems witty enough that these antics could sustain him all the way; although as he freely admitted to us, he’s new to the game, so maybe there just simply isn’t enough material in his suitcase yet.

Rather than being a one-man show, several other comedians are invited to make appearances, sometimes posing as audience members. Though a stand out with his dirty dreads and extremely obscure accent, European Man was just weird. Apparently the joke was the fact that he doesn’t ‘get’ Australian humour. Well, the joke was on us, as we sure didn’t ‘get’ him at all. The show also took a bit of a cabaret turn, with a song from Pierre Vanderbee; most likely the result of playing Nintendo while very stoned. A lot of technical hitches added to the escalating awkwardness, but in a way fitted in with the whole wacky style of the show.

Perhaps it’s fair to mention one thing that may have made this particular night’s gig a tad more challenging than usual: the presence of a front-row 8 year old audience member. It was all good and well asking her how much she liked Bob the Builder at the beginning; but after that it became increasingly inconvenient, to say the least, for the performers to tone down their jokes to accommodate her. There were still a few F’s and C’s let fly, but generally there was a hindrance to the graphic detail we may have otherwise been treated to. But hell, maybe they should have thrown the kid in the deep end; after all she should be rewarded for attending, like everyone else, in true Fringe Festival spirit. No one’s expecting a lesson on manners at any of these shows. Come on, there’s a swear word in the title, that’s enough of a warning isn’t it?

During his routine, Brader referred to a couple of ‘weird gigs’ he’d played in the past. Looks like Bloody Commentator is going to join that list. This show will probably go down well with fans of bizarre shows like The Mighty Boosh; but if you like something old fashioned and traditional, give this one a miss.

Dan Brader: He’s some sort of social bloody commentator: Melbourne Fringe Festival
Venue: Caz Reitops Dirty Secrets - The Vault
80 Smith St Collingwood

Interview on "The Comedian Talks"

2009-10-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

http://thecomediantalks.blogspot.com/
for an interview with me about comedy and so forth!

2009 Melbourne Fringe Festival details!

2009-10-03T06:30:00.000-07:00

"He's Some Sort Of Bloody Social Commentator" is Dan Brader's 2009 Melb Fringe Show.

Dan Brader is a unique voice in the Australian comedy scene!

In this show Dan presents a mix of sharp observational comedy, quirky character sketches, improv and some crazy cameos from Melbourne cult comedians like Dean Eizenberg, Charles Barrington, Pierre Vanderbee, European Man and more!

Tony Besselink is the supporting act!

An offbeat and original addition to the fringe festival's comedy line-up! It's already generating great buzz and the audiences are loving it!

There's different cameos every night so you'll never know what to expect!

"He walks his own line and drags the laughs out of it with a sharp shake" ---Gagging For It

"Brader is friendly, easy to watch and shows a lot of potential!"---Buzzcuts

"A petulant upstart" --- The Groggy Squirrel

"Elitist"--- Arts Hub

The show takes places on the following dates at 8:30pm!

Shows remaining...

4th, 7th, 8th, 11th October

( every Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday during the fringe!)

Link to Buzzcuts audio review: http://emedia.rmit.edu.au/smpl/sites/emedia.rmit.edu.au.smpl/files/media/braderbounced.mp3

Video attached below which some nice person has awarded one star! Great....

Rough Around The Edges

2009-10-03T02:51:00.000-07:00

I like art that's rough around the edges. Like “The Pixies”. Like “Brian Jonestown Massacre”. Like Daniel Johnston. Like Charles Bukowski. Like John Fante. Like Mitch Hedberg. Like Daniel Kitson. I could go on and on.

To me there's something very human and beautiful about mistakes and art that acknowledges its artists’ fuck-ups; their lovable little quirks.

I say this, but then sometimes I think maybe this is just me justifying my comedy act.

After performing comedy for nearly three years now I still write my jokes on my hand, take awkward sips of water in between jokes (I somehow never learn how to place my glass somewhere easily accessible; it always seems to be in the most difficult-to-reach spot!) and frequently analyse my set as I perform. But this is who I am. And these little quirks whilst frustrating to tightly wound audience members also endear me to others. They make me seem more human. I might be funny but I also make mistakes, just like everybody else.

Although I am sure I will fix some of these little mistakes as I improve as a comedian, I hope I don't eradicate all of them because I truly believe it's these little quirks that help show the audience “the real me” behind the gags. I want to be as funny as I can possibly be but I want to be me up there and Dan Brader is rough around the edges.

That said, I do adore a number of comedians who are incredibly slick. Jerry Seinfeld, for one. He's a hero of mine and a major artistic influence. But I never think for a second when I watch Seinfeld that he's putting it on. Jerry Seinfeld strikes me as an incredibly organised and meticulous man,so it's only natural that his comedy would be this way too. There's nothing fake about Jerry Seinfeld and I guess that's what I'm getting at. What I'm interested in is the “real experience”. I want a comedian to be as real as they can be, while being as funny as they can possibly be.

You walk away from a Jerry Seinfeld performance feeling as though you know this man. Like you know how his mind works. He's not pretending to be anyone other than Jerry Seinfeld. Sure, he's super-slick, but that's Jerry Seinfeld. That's what I want to see and what I want to be. A comedian who’s not afraid to be one hundred percent totally themselves up there.

In Jerry Seinfeld’s case that's a suit-wearing, polished performer whose material is honed to perfection and who rarely misses a beat.

In Dan Brader’s case that's a material-written-on-his-hand, reaching awkwardly for his glass of water, comedian. But he also tries as hard as he can to be himself up there, and let you into his scrappy, hopefully-fun little world.

Find Your Natural Funny

2009-10-03T02:49:00.000-07:00

I'm originally from New Zealand. Sometimes when I'm on stage I don't mention that. It doesn't seem especially important to me and in no real way informs my material.

One comedy club owner however thought this was a huge mistake. He rang me up to have a chat one time and this is what he told me: "Listen mate, you've got to tell them you're from New Zealand right, because when you don't it's like the elephant in the room mate, everyone's whispering to each other about you're accent mate, trying to work out where you're from and it detracts from your act. You need to acknowledge it mate, and then maybe do some jokes about it. Mate, you've got an angle there, a hook, but you don't use it. You should be up there talking about the differences between Australians and New Zealanders mate. You've got a whole act right there mate, use it."

I chose to ignore this piece of advice because in my everyday life I've rarely made a joke about coming from New Zealand, for me personally it's not particularly funny or interesting. I'm not too proud to mock my country or anything it's just that my comic mind doesn't wander down that particular avenue. My natural sense of humour instead comes from my abillity to do character sketches of people I find amusing in the media and in real life. So when I'm on stage I do character sketches. Maybe there is something funny about coming from New Zealand but it's not my "natural funny".

Of course there are many comedians whose entire acts are about their nationality/ethnic background. Some of them are hilarious and are able to make sharp, social commentary about how we see people from their corner of the world. The most popular/mainstream examples being the late Richard Pryor and Dave Chappelle. But sadly there are countless more who desperately seek acceptance from the crowd by trading off on negative racial stereotypes, pandering to the more racist segments of the crowd.

Comedy is like any other art and should be about self-expression. A great comic should present to the crowd their skewed vision of the world. To simply mirror back a bunch of racial stereotypes not only smacks of a lack of inspiration but shows that the comic has no real point of view, nothing personal to express.

I've seen an Asian-born comic rattle off unique, quirky one-liners and leave the audience in stitches. I've seen a Kenyan-born comedian do twenty minutes sets purely by talking to the audience and using their answers to go off on inspired, improvised flights of fancy. These are just a couple of examples, I've seen countless more. The point is these comics chose not to use nationality as the basis of their act because their natural funny comes from somewhere else.

There's nothing wrong with routines that acknowledge one's nationality, if you naturally find the funny in being say an Italian in Australia and have always viewed the world seeing the humour in this experience then that's a legtimate comedic viewpoint. But to ignore a "natural funny" rooted in something else because you feel you won't gain acceptance from the crowd unless you indulge in ethnic stereotypes is a sign that you lack faith not only in yourself but in your audience. Sure there will always be morons in the crowd who whisper to each other borderline racist comments if you choose not to pander to them with gags about racial stereotypes but the great comic has an inner voice so loud and strong it drowns out the whispers of the ill-informed few.